Friday, December 14, 2018

Canela, what's up with you?




Dear reader-

I have fallen into a slump. Actually, it's more like I rolled into a ditch and refuse to get up out of it. I've only just realized the extent of my steep descent today. The exact moment being when I sat next to Wyatt on the couch... He gave me a hard look and simply asked "How can I help you?". Confused I asked what he meant. "What's wrong with you? It's been weeks since you've been yourself. You need to snap out of whatever you're in, you're not allowed to give up on everything, that's not why I'm working so you can stay home and lay around.  Snap out of it"
oh. 
Thinking it through I can see when the wheels started coming off, or more, how they came off. At first, I didn't like leaving the house anymore. Going anywhere was just too much of an inconvenience. So I stayed home. When I believe I was more of a get out the door type of person. I say "I believe" because I honestly can't remember what it felt like to be "that" Cindy. The Cindy who took her kids on walks frequently or frequented parks. 
Then came the lack of a desire to cook. I just didn't want to do it anymore. I cooked pretty frequently (I think). Even when I had to battle my kids to do it I still did it! Somewhere over the last few weeks I gave up on it. I think meal planning is easiest when you think "hmm okay what dinners sound good? What am I going to make?" well nothing sounds good! So I don't meal plan! While my time in the kitchen dwindled I knew Wyatt wouldn't mind corn dogs on occasion so long as he came home to a clean house. So clean the house I did. I'd drop Danny off at school, come straight home put a show on for my other two and get to cleaning, folding and whatever else needed to get done. But see, there's something wrong with that picture, I used to never let the kids watch copious amounts of TV. I even went a few weeks without them watching any tv (save it for Friday night movie and Saturday morning cartoons). I let go of that. Watch all the tv kids! 
Lastly, my final slump into the ditch was the house. I let the house completely go. The drive, the motivation, none of it is there. nada. I'm like a car that was running on fumes and is now completely dead. 
looking back I can point out a few things that probably pushed me down the ditch I'm now laying in....

1. keeping up with it all- who knew being a mom was so much work?! For a few weeks I was doing a decent job. I kept a clean house, I cooked meals, took the kids to parks and found time to wake up early and make the kids a hot breakfast (pancakes, eggs, etc). It was exhausting. What's more, is that I never quite made it. I never had it all figured out and together.  Realizing I was giving it my all and was still falling short was a blow I didn't take too well. 

2. Sammy dropped his nap. Yup, my precious nap time where I had both kids sleeping was taken from me! It's not like I used the nap time to do something relaxing... I usually used it to fold laundry or something. But it was a time of day where I could be by myself. I would listen to music or the book of mormon while I worked around the house.

3. Charlie wakes up multiple times a night to nurse, I'm so exhausted I usually give in and let him nurse off and on all night, which means, he sleeps in our bed. 

4. The kids have been sick. Have you taken care of sick kids at night?! It's wild. Even as I'm typing this Charlie's crying and Sammy's coughing. When will people sleep the whole night through around here?! The smart thing would be go to sleep as soon as my kids go to sleep so that I can get a few hours in before the night nursing and the up with a coughing kid won't suck so much. 

But see, that's the thing! There in lies the problem. I don't want to! I don't want to wake up at night multiple times with a baby, be woken up in the morning by another kid and go to sleep as soon as they all are down. I can't have my day start and end with kids crying/shouting/asking. It either needs to start or end without anyone needing anything from me! Currently it's not doing that! Currently, it's sun up to sun down AND without a nap time in between. 

Ah yes, it's all becoming clearer now. I'm not in a depressive ditch, I'm in the trenches of motherhood. 

I don't want to cook because when I try to feed it to my kids they cry and wail as if I'm asking them to eat swill. 

I don't want to clean because the minute I've cleaned up one mess, my kids make another. 

I don't want to leave the house because I have to find four pairs of socks and shoes, help put on said socks and shoes then repeat it all over when one of them decides to take their socks and shoes off before they leave the house! Then there's the matter of jackets and diapers. 

I let them watch so much tv because I don't have a designated "Ok this ones at school and the other two are sleeping" time. So Instead of recharging during nap time I'm having to spread out my energy more evenly during the day which means more tv. 

As far as the other things... I don't know. Maybe I am a little blue. Someone asked me the other day "What are your hobbies? What do you like to do?" and I honestly didn't know! I don't know, I don't have time to have hobbies, or energy. 

I got a call from one of my old jobs asking if I was interested in coming back to work for them. I was so happy to get the call from them. It made my day. Yet, it also made me a little sad. Somedays I look around and feel like I have nothing to show for what I do all day. I make no money! When was the last time I had an income? over six years ago! I don't have a career and honestly, that's been really eating at me lately. What do I have to show for my life?! Sheesh, bachelors is the new high school degree. 

I have no plan nor solution for my ascent back to being a productive member of society. Only a few thoughts...

1. It's not depression, I don't think, and that's a good thing. All things considered it's not surprising I'm moping about. 

2. Charlie's gotta cry it out. Sorry son. So so sad to do that to you, but I'm slowly loosing my mind. 

3. I need to set aside TV time for sam during Charlie's nap. That way it'll somewhat feel like a break. 

4. I'm not going to have a career. It's not in cards for me. As sad as that is to admit to myself, it's the truth. I have no time nor money to go back to school. Even when my kids are older they'll still need me and I want to be there for them. Since a career isn't in my future the best I can do is throw all my efforts into helping my kids do well in school. Support them, inspire them and push them to live up to their potential. Here's to the hustle!

And so dear reader, I leave you now. If you find yourself in a depressive state know that you're not alone and that perhaps writing it all down will make things clearer for you as it has for me. 

Beam me up Scotty!
Cindy


PS. The title of this post is brought to you by Brother Nature who makes a living off of filming deer that live near his house. In this video he's scolding his favorite one for running out into on coming traffic. I thought it was fitting for my time spent wallowing in self pity. "Cindy, What's up with you? I almost caught a frigging heart attack!".


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