Friday, December 14, 2018

Back to Baker Street

First time I turned on the Christmas lights since Sunday.

Well friends, like an abandoned building who's lights are flickering on I'm slowly moving my way through the day.
I came across an old watch of mine. I always thought an ex had bought it for me but after racking my brain I realized I bought this watch myself. I'm almost certain I bought it with my first paycheck too. It was expensive, but I could afford it. I wasn't paying rent, I wasn't paying for anything. Ah the freedom.
It made me happy to see it and it sparked life back into me. Sometimes I'm ashamed to know that everything I'm wearing I didn't pay for with money I earned on my own. Head to toe I'm wearing  clothes Wyatt paid for. Which I'm grateful to him for.
I put it on and it felt good to know to that something I'm wearing was paid for with my own effort. Back to a time when I had ambition and passions for topics that I found interesting, which admittedly I think I'm a lot more pleasant of a person without them.
While dropping my passions and future plans was good for family life it left me with something missing. I think the hole it left behind has finally become too big to ignore.
Eventually, I hope, I will find new passions. Passions tailored to my new life as a wife and mother.
This watch reminds me that I was a good student, I loved to work and I get offered jobs everywhere I go. It's true, I got offered a job at a car auction the other day. Believe me, I'm coming back to that one.
It reminds me to be true to me. Which, to be honest I'm not exactly sure who ME entails anymore. But I've been working so hard at trying to fit in that I've pushed myself further from the things that make me Cindy. I've been trying to keep up with moms who always look like a million bucks. Moms who watch Bachelor in Paradise and This Is Us. Unpopular opinion- The Greatest Showman is overrated, #sorrynotsorry.
I like anime, I like all things Benedict Cumberbatch and Dr. Who. Can you believe Mowgli has been out on netflix for days and I haven't seen it yet?! That's how far I fell.  I like Rick and Morty, Sunny in Philidelphia, and South Park. Those last few were introduced to me via Wyatt, but I like them. I enjoy watching them with Wyatt,  I like that we have inside jokes and the same sense of humor. Pacific Rim was a cinematic masterpiece and Baby Driver is one of my all time favorites. Mad Max was thrilling and Your Name is one of the best Rom Coms in existence.
I'm done pretending that I watch Bachelor in paradise. I'm done pretending that I haven't had a chance to check out This Is Us but am sure it's amazing. I'm done trying to look the part. I'm done hiding my tv choices so as to not offend other women and further push  me out of the social circle. Push me out. I've accepted my fate as outsider and will work to embrace it.
That's not to say I don't have friends, I have a lot of friends. Good friends, genuine women who are hidden gems. They don't have the name brand clothes, they wear pajamas all day but they are brimming with kindness and talents they are willing to share.

Now, I take my leave. I leave you with these words from Mycroft to Sherlock. Because, duh, it's me.

"Sorry, but the Holiday is over. Brother dear. Back to Baker Street, Sherlock Holmes."

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