Friday, December 14, 2018

Back to Baker Street

First time I turned on the Christmas lights since Sunday.

Well friends, like an abandoned building who's lights are flickering on I'm slowly moving my way through the day.
I came across an old watch of mine. I always thought an ex had bought it for me but after racking my brain I realized I bought this watch myself. I'm almost certain I bought it with my first paycheck too. It was expensive, but I could afford it. I wasn't paying rent, I wasn't paying for anything. Ah the freedom.
It made me happy to see it and it sparked life back into me. Sometimes I'm ashamed to know that everything I'm wearing I didn't pay for with money I earned on my own. Head to toe I'm wearing  clothes Wyatt paid for. Which I'm grateful to him for.
I put it on and it felt good to know to that something I'm wearing was paid for with my own effort. Back to a time when I had ambition and passions for topics that I found interesting, which admittedly I think I'm a lot more pleasant of a person without them.
While dropping my passions and future plans was good for family life it left me with something missing. I think the hole it left behind has finally become too big to ignore.
Eventually, I hope, I will find new passions. Passions tailored to my new life as a wife and mother.
This watch reminds me that I was a good student, I loved to work and I get offered jobs everywhere I go. It's true, I got offered a job at a car auction the other day. Believe me, I'm coming back to that one.
It reminds me to be true to me. Which, to be honest I'm not exactly sure who ME entails anymore. But I've been working so hard at trying to fit in that I've pushed myself further from the things that make me Cindy. I've been trying to keep up with moms who always look like a million bucks. Moms who watch Bachelor in Paradise and This Is Us. Unpopular opinion- The Greatest Showman is overrated, #sorrynotsorry.
I like anime, I like all things Benedict Cumberbatch and Dr. Who. Can you believe Mowgli has been out on netflix for days and I haven't seen it yet?! That's how far I fell.  I like Rick and Morty, Sunny in Philidelphia, and South Park. Those last few were introduced to me via Wyatt, but I like them. I enjoy watching them with Wyatt,  I like that we have inside jokes and the same sense of humor. Pacific Rim was a cinematic masterpiece and Baby Driver is one of my all time favorites. Mad Max was thrilling and Your Name is one of the best Rom Coms in existence.
I'm done pretending that I watch Bachelor in paradise. I'm done pretending that I haven't had a chance to check out This Is Us but am sure it's amazing. I'm done trying to look the part. I'm done hiding my tv choices so as to not offend other women and further push  me out of the social circle. Push me out. I've accepted my fate as outsider and will work to embrace it.
That's not to say I don't have friends, I have a lot of friends. Good friends, genuine women who are hidden gems. They don't have the name brand clothes, they wear pajamas all day but they are brimming with kindness and talents they are willing to share.

Now, I take my leave. I leave you with these words from Mycroft to Sherlock. Because, duh, it's me.

"Sorry, but the Holiday is over. Brother dear. Back to Baker Street, Sherlock Holmes."

Canela, what's up with you?

Dear reader-

I have fallen into a slump. Actually, it's more like I rolled into a ditch and refuse to get up out of it. I've only just realized the extent of my steep descent today. The exact moment being when I sat next to Wyatt on the couch... He gave me a hard look and simply asked "How can I help you?". Confused I asked what he meant. "What's wrong with you? It's been weeks since you've been yourself. You need to snap out of whatever you're in, you're not allowed to give up on everything, that's not why I'm working so you can stay home and lay around.  Snap out of it"
Thinking it through I can see when the wheels started coming off, or more, how they came off. At first, I didn't like leaving the house anymore. Going anywhere was just too much of an inconvenience. So I stayed home. When I believe I was more of a get out the door type of person. I say "I believe" because I honestly can't remember what it felt like to be "that" Cindy. The Cindy who took her kids on walks frequently or frequented parks. 
Then came the lack of a desire to cook. I just didn't want to do it anymore. I cooked pretty frequently (I think). Even when I had to battle my kids to do it I still did it! Somewhere over the last few weeks I gave up on it. I think meal planning is easiest when you think "hmm okay what dinners sound good? What am I going to make?" well nothing sounds good! So I don't meal plan! While my time in the kitchen dwindled I knew Wyatt wouldn't mind corn dogs on occasion so long as he came home to a clean house. So clean the house I did. I'd drop Danny off at school, come straight home put a show on for my other two and get to cleaning, folding and whatever else needed to get done. But see, there's something wrong with that picture, I used to never let the kids watch copious amounts of TV. I even went a few weeks without them watching any tv (save it for Friday night movie and Saturday morning cartoons). I let go of that. Watch all the tv kids! 
Lastly, my final slump into the ditch was the house. I let the house completely go. The drive, the motivation, none of it is there. nada. I'm like a car that was running on fumes and is now completely dead. 
looking back I can point out a few things that probably pushed me down the ditch I'm now laying in....

1. keeping up with it all- who knew being a mom was so much work?! For a few weeks I was doing a decent job. I kept a clean house, I cooked meals, took the kids to parks and found time to wake up early and make the kids a hot breakfast (pancakes, eggs, etc). It was exhausting. What's more, is that I never quite made it. I never had it all figured out and together.  Realizing I was giving it my all and was still falling short was a blow I didn't take too well. 

2. Sammy dropped his nap. Yup, my precious nap time where I had both kids sleeping was taken from me! It's not like I used the nap time to do something relaxing... I usually used it to fold laundry or something. But it was a time of day where I could be by myself. I would listen to music or the book of mormon while I worked around the house.

3. Charlie wakes up multiple times a night to nurse, I'm so exhausted I usually give in and let him nurse off and on all night, which means, he sleeps in our bed. 

4. The kids have been sick. Have you taken care of sick kids at night?! It's wild. Even as I'm typing this Charlie's crying and Sammy's coughing. When will people sleep the whole night through around here?! The smart thing would be go to sleep as soon as my kids go to sleep so that I can get a few hours in before the night nursing and the up with a coughing kid won't suck so much. 

But see, that's the thing! There in lies the problem. I don't want to! I don't want to wake up at night multiple times with a baby, be woken up in the morning by another kid and go to sleep as soon as they all are down. I can't have my day start and end with kids crying/shouting/asking. It either needs to start or end without anyone needing anything from me! Currently it's not doing that! Currently, it's sun up to sun down AND without a nap time in between. 

Ah yes, it's all becoming clearer now. I'm not in a depressive ditch, I'm in the trenches of motherhood. 

I don't want to cook because when I try to feed it to my kids they cry and wail as if I'm asking them to eat swill. 

I don't want to clean because the minute I've cleaned up one mess, my kids make another. 

I don't want to leave the house because I have to find four pairs of socks and shoes, help put on said socks and shoes then repeat it all over when one of them decides to take their socks and shoes off before they leave the house! Then there's the matter of jackets and diapers. 

I let them watch so much tv because I don't have a designated "Ok this ones at school and the other two are sleeping" time. So Instead of recharging during nap time I'm having to spread out my energy more evenly during the day which means more tv. 

As far as the other things... I don't know. Maybe I am a little blue. Someone asked me the other day "What are your hobbies? What do you like to do?" and I honestly didn't know! I don't know, I don't have time to have hobbies, or energy. 

I got a call from one of my old jobs asking if I was interested in coming back to work for them. I was so happy to get the call from them. It made my day. Yet, it also made me a little sad. Somedays I look around and feel like I have nothing to show for what I do all day. I make no money! When was the last time I had an income? over six years ago! I don't have a career and honestly, that's been really eating at me lately. What do I have to show for my life?! Sheesh, bachelors is the new high school degree. 

I have no plan nor solution for my ascent back to being a productive member of society. Only a few thoughts...

1. It's not depression, I don't think, and that's a good thing. All things considered it's not surprising I'm moping about. 

2. Charlie's gotta cry it out. Sorry son. So so sad to do that to you, but I'm slowly loosing my mind. 

3. I need to set aside TV time for sam during Charlie's nap. That way it'll somewhat feel like a break. 

4. I'm not going to have a career. It's not in cards for me. As sad as that is to admit to myself, it's the truth. I have no time nor money to go back to school. Even when my kids are older they'll still need me and I want to be there for them. Since a career isn't in my future the best I can do is throw all my efforts into helping my kids do well in school. Support them, inspire them and push them to live up to their potential. Here's to the hustle!

And so dear reader, I leave you now. If you find yourself in a depressive state know that you're not alone and that perhaps writing it all down will make things clearer for you as it has for me. 

Beam me up Scotty!

PS. The title of this post is brought to you by Brother Nature who makes a living off of filming deer that live near his house. In this video he's scolding his favorite one for running out into on coming traffic. I thought it was fitting for my time spent wallowing in self pity. "Cindy, What's up with you? I almost caught a frigging heart attack!".

Thursday, December 6, 2018

Sometimes all it takes for me to make a good video is a good song. I heard this song at noodles and company yesterday and instantly loved it. So since my kids were up late being sick I figured "why not?'. They watched little baby bum and I edited this video.
This song spoke to me on another level. Listen to the lyrics, they're very fitting for the people in the video. Those we wish we could have close but for one reason or another we just can't. What a blessing it is to have so much family!
There are sooo many pictures/videos that I couldn't fit into the video. So many. It was hard to whittle it down to what's in the video. I'll post a few underneath the video. 
I haven't been on here for a long while, everyday at the end of the day when I would have time to do this I'm just too tired. Hopefully I can pop in more regularly with these little videos. My kids love them. There are already so many videos I wished I had made but didn't! Life keeps moving and you gotta hustle through it. Maybe someday when I'm old I'll go back and makes lots more.
Thanks for a wonderful family vacation Wydo. Can't believe we've built this life together and the tiny people in this video are our genetic makeup! Can't believe you have a job that makes enough money to support a family of five AND take them on family vacations. Thanks for all your hard work, we love you so much. I love that picture of you in the black towards the end. so handsome. 

My moms happy place, loves those crab legs! 

The reason this video exists! THE OG THE ORIGINAL OTP!

Oh he's so handsome, he's getting so big. 

Tinder profile pic right? swipe right ladies!

Marco gave Danny this neat little coin, I was worried he would loose it but he held onto it. It's on our playroom wall now... I keep a close watch on it. 

Fancy Time!

Watching Danny have the time of his life. 

Watching Danny have the time of his life. Like father like son. I love these two pictures. What wonderful fathers! 

Nanny+Danny two peas in a pod. 

Seeing an entire corner of pixar dedicated to coco was huge for me! Seeing the Mexican culture integrated into Disney is amazing. Who knew twenty years ago everyone and their grandmas would love a movie called Coco. While it's all the knowledge some people have of Mexican culture it's still better than nothing. Thanks Disney, representation matters! You made my heart happy. BTW the coco part of Disney was packed with hispanics. love it.