Monday, December 18, 2017

Today has been a rough one here. Wyatt's canker soars have him all sorts of miserable, Danny has canker soars AND he had a fever. As if we weren't already drowning I got a migraine. In case you aren't in the loop about migraines, they are incapacitating. I would rather give birth ten times over than have migraine. I'm afraid of them. I was trying to get dinner together for someone moving to another house when I noticed I couldn't see my right hand and panic swooped in. I started crying uncontrollably and bracing myself for the pain. Sounds dramatic, but I have never had a worse pain then a migraine. I live in fear of them. 

Luckliy Wyatt was home and took over the kids AND delivering dinner to the family. I felt so bad for him, struggling to take care of the kids knowing that his mouth was in so much pain. Charlie was sleeping for the majority of my migraine so that saved us. 

This migraine was different than the rest I've had. Maybe it was because it hit as it was starting to get dark so I didn't have to worry about bright lights, maybe taking excedrin early on helped, or maybe it just wasn't as severe. So long as I stayed in the room, in complete darkness my pain was manageable. If I saw even a crack of light my head felt like it was being attacked by a brick. It kind of spooked me actually.  It was like putting your hand into a fire and not being burned, but if you move your hand slightly to one side or the other you would be. 

Sometimes if I closed my eyes the room would spin and it would intensify the strong nausea I already felt. So i had to keep my eyes open for most of the time I sat there. That was weird. When was the last time you sat in a dark room, awake, without your phone or television or anything? The electronics weren't missed. I felt a sense of peace, it was kind of nice actually. Yes my head hurt but it was nothing like the migraines I've had before. I was so much more aware of myself, it was a new feeling. 

Charlie woke up and I kept him with me in the room for a while until he had enough of being trapped in the dark. So I sent him outside to Wyatt and Danny came inside the room with me. He laid down on the bed facing me and we held hands. He said he wasn't feeling well and wanted to lie down in the dark too. I was shocked when he genuinely enjoyed laying in the dark in silence. Without the distractions of everyday life I was able to truly bask in the moment with Danny. He is special. He is wonderful on so many levels. When I finally broke the silence we shared a long conversation. Without being able to see each other it was almost as if we could communicate more clearly. I'll hold this little time close to my heart. At one point he discussed how sad he was that Charlie was getting so big because he was growing so fast. Another time he expressed the difficulties of having two babies and not just one. I talked to him as an adult (choosing words/phrases that would make sense to him) I was surprised to see that he understood clearly everything I was saying and the sentiments behind them at times saying "that makes sense". We had a deep conversation which hasn't happened before. Without being able to see each others faces was almost like removing the huge age gap and for a moment felt like I was in the presence of adult Danny. His ideas, his opinions. There was something very much alive humming between us, the meeting of two souls. A bond between mother and child. What a sacred bond that is, I'm so honored to be his mother. I laid there in awe listening to what he had to say and since there were no other babies around demanding my attention (or places to go or things to get done, literally the only thing I was able to do in that comment was lay down in a dark room)  I was able to sit there and let him work through what he was trying to say or emotions he was trying to communicate. I am almost grateful I had this migraine. It forced me to sit in a quiet dark room for a few hours and listen to my spirit, listen to my son free of distractions and discover what an amazing kid he is. Someday he'll be an incredible man, I just know it. I'm so lucky to call him mine, he is such a wonderful considerate son. I wish I had time everyday to sit with him for an hour or so and just listen to him. Without anyone needing my attention. Or anything, no laundry, no dishes. I couldn't do anything. I tried leaving the room to help Wyatt out and I raced back to the room with my head pounding and crying. 

The quiet time I spent in the dark room was interesting. There's a movie called Your Name and in one part of the movie the main characters cross over into the "hear after" really it's a field on top of a mountain. The grandmother says "What lies before us is the hear after, anything can happen" and I know it sounds wild but I felt that exact same way. I was more self aware and the time I spent with Danny was as if time stood still. 

Wyatt was the real MVP of the night. He was barely speaking because his mouth was in so much pain. I felt so guilty and I felt sorry for him getting Sammy to bed and taking care of Charlie. He is more considerate of a husband than I could have ever hoped for. He is so hands on and steps up to the plate whenever he is needed. He's extremely hands on and today he was my hero. He is a fantastic husband and father. the best. 

This experience made me want to step away from electronics. Maybe bring more of the peace I felt trapped in my dark room to my home in general. 

I survived another migraine, with the Lord's help I was not left alone to battle my incapacitating headache and my kids. Wyatt was here. The Lord always looks out for his own. He's got your back. 

PS. Today was Danny's last day at Sossaman. It's the end of that little chapter in our lives. I will forever be grateful for everything they did for Danny there. All the love he received. It was a blessing. Time to move on to a class that will challenge him. 

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