Sunday, August 6, 2017

Take a deep breath, it's only the rest of your life

Maria took this picture of me and my boys and It's one my greatest treasures in life. I will cherish it forever. Looking at this picture it might seem like I have everything together, but I totally don't. Not all the time at least. Welcoming a new member of the family was really hard on me when Sammy came onto the scene. I had some form of Postpartum depression I'm sure of it. With Charlie it's been a night and day difference, being in Utah for the first month made all the difference and I'm so incredibly grateful to everyone who helped. Like this picture, it looks perfect, but not pictured are the nine people it took to get Danny and Sammy to sit still and smile. 

Even though I haven't struggled like I did with my last new baby I still have hard days. I finally realized what makes them hard. Failure. On hard days it seems like I have small failures all throughout the day. Eventually making up a draining disappointing day. Some examples of failures include, but are not limited to, failing to read Sammy that book he brought me, not playing "Hungry Hippos with Danny" or the house being a complete wreck when Wyatt gets home (ok this one happens the  most often). Sometimes I'll let two things fail in order to succeed in one area. Like I'll sacrifice book time with Sammy and a clean house to play Candy Land with Danny or I'll sacrifice the house and Danny time to focus on Sammy and sometimes I'll sacrifice time with both my kids to have the house cleaned up. Either way someone always ends up loosing out. I still haven't figured out what to do with this newfound knowledge or whether its normal. But those are my hard days in a nutshell. 

Motherhood is a funny thing. Somedays I feel as if the weight of the world is on my shoulders, other days I feel as light as a feather. Everyday I feel grateful to be able to stay home with my kids. Though somedays I long to have a job where I talk to other adults and have adult conversations. Then I remember adults kind of suck and I'm right back at being happy to stay at home.  

I love my babies more than words can say. The times I've let them down consume me if I let them. I try not to let it. But to my children I'd like to say, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the time you felt abandoned because I had to spend an hour on the phone with customer service paying a bill. I'm sorry for being on my phone while you were trying to show me something. Honestly, I'm just trying to keep it together and unfortunately paying medical bills need to happen and reading dumb articles on celebrity gossip keeps me afloat when I feel like I'm going to pull my hair out. (I will always swear by celebrity gossip as an anxiety alleviating respite). 

I had a sweet moment with Charlie yesterday where at the end of a long draining day. I sat down with him and wanted to cry, feeling like I had let down my crew in some type of way (which I suppose was all in my head because on paper it was a fantastic day) . I held him and he treated me to a  sweet smile and rested his head on my shoulder. To him I hadn't been a complete and utter failure. I fed him, I held him, I loved him, I changed him and snuggled him. As far as he was concerned I was his champion. Thank you Charlie, for that. I needed it. 

Sometimes it scares me how much Danny can remember. Take yesterday, we went to Maggie's birthday party at our old stomping ground La Aldea. He said he remembered our old house here and he remembered when a firetruck showed up right outside his door! I'm happy he remembers the good things, very happy. 

On the other hand he randomly came up to me and said "Mom I'm sorry I peed on the rocks" and I was like "What?! What rocks? When?" and he said "I'm sorry I peed on the rocks at the park" and I remembered MONTHS ago when we had had a really hard day. I bought chick filet and took it to the park with the kids. I thought I'd let them play at the park while we ate it. After being harassed by a group of what I can best describe as barbie moms Danny peed on some rocks at the park, very much in public. Worse still, was the elderly couple watching with disgust (honestly, do older folk forget how hard it was to have little kids or are they just judgy about everything?) My sheer mortification must have shown obviously on my face, because it seems to have left a lasting impact on him. Sadly!

Its memories like that that worry me!! He has such a good memory, he STILL talks about his second birthday!! Who remembers that? I'm so worried he'll remember me as being a horrible mom! Ok not horrible, but I'm worried he'll just remember the times I let him down! 

My hope for him and my other babies is that they'll remember the good times. Sure they'll probably remember some of the bad times too, but I'm trying. I want them to know I'm really really trying. These little failures in life is what truly makes some of my days hard. Luckily, not all of my days are like this, some are filled by golden moments!



On one struggling day the rain and puddles from monsoon season gave me and my babies so much happiness. I loved watching them play in the rain. It was a much needed! 

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