Wednesday, August 9, 2017

Somedays

The boys and I baking muffins 

Sometimes I have the most wonderful days. Filled with good feelings, laughter and love. Other days I don't. I imagine that's the normal for most people. Yesterday was one of those days that seemed like a dream. Almost too good to be true even. We played in the backyard all morning and it was the first time I truly felt that I got to enjoy it. We played soccer, we played catch, explored the backyard and loved each other's company. We went inside for Sammy to take a nap and Danny to have quiet time. All these years I've been doing quiet time backwards. Where we watch TV ALL DAY and for quiet time I hoped he'd play with toys quietly in his room. This,  as you might imagine didn't go over very smoothly. I've since then realized it has to be done the other way around.?
One day randomly I decided to break ties with our TV (actually I had heard someone left the TV behind and my competitive spark was lit. Hello competitive Cindy, you've been gone for idk 15 years? welcome back b****) .
 Honestly it felt like breaking an addiction. It's been a very positive thing for the kids and I. We still watch it, but maybe 1-2 hrs a day. We actually play the rest of it! I don't know how I did it. It just sort of clicked. But I've been so happy about it. Yesterday they didn't watch any TV and we all felt like we were walking on air the whole day. We had a one hour dance party before bed. Totally out of the blue. It was so fun. And wow, my energy. I have no idea where all that energy came from. I was up with them at 5:30pm and all day I had the energy to keep up with them and play with them.
I love my boys they are the treasure in my life and am so lucky they love me!

xoxo,

Cindy

PS. I deactivated FB and don't have the IG app either. It's been very freeing. though sometimes I miss keeping up with people I love! So once a month or so I'll drop in on them to see how they're doing. last time I did a friend of mine posted a picture of her with her 2 month baby and toddler and. It was a very casual picture. Nothing special, no makeup or matching clothes or clean house. Her description of the picture really hit home with me. It's pretty much exactly how I feel! See below...

The days are long, the pictures (and reality😂) unflattering and the joy and love unmeasurable. I wouldn't trade these sleepless nights in the trenches for anything, these little humans need so much and sometimes it's overwhelming but I know I will not always be so needed and I know that right now I am their whole world and I'm just going to take a minute and soak it all in whenever I can. ❤️

Sunday, August 6, 2017

Well played Samuel




One picture wasn't enough, ugh Sammy you are so handsome!

In an impressive plot twist. Sammy found a loophole in the system. As I previously mentioned Sammy has started refusing his diaper but also refusing to potty train. All day I told him "you have to pick one or the other. You either have to wear a diaper or use the potty". After an hour or so of him running around totally naked and me taking him to the potty every 15 min hoping to stop an accident before it happens, he brought a diaper to me and asked that I put it on him. I obliged. He came back less then 10 min later took the diaper off and handed me his wet diaper. Touché Samuel

Let's see who's biggest

Danny: whoa dad! You are so much taller than mom

Us: you're right

Danny: whoa mommy you have the biggest tummy

us:....

Danny: Dad you don't have the biggest tummy


Me:... well you're not wrong

It took a village

Right after Charlie was born we flew to Utah, six days after he was born to be precise. Some (irritating) people said "Wow! You are so brave" and not only am I beyond sick of hearing people low key judge my parenting but I always think the truly brave thing would have been for me to stay in Arizona, 113 degree Arizona. All alone, with a new baby and two cooped up kids and no family.  Words do not adequatly describe the amount of love and support we received. I truly enjoyed Charlie's newborn faze and had a wonderful time. Sure, it was still tough sometimes, but I have a newborn, a 19 month old and a 4 year old. Life is going to get hard sometimes! But it wasn't nearly as hard as it would have been had I stayed here in Arizona. Everyday my kids felt love from so many people and played with cousins till the sun went down. I almost want to cry thinking about how depressing it would have been here by ourselves! I'm certain that being in Utah for the first month saved me from postpartum blues. We basically brought a circus to my in laws house and I'm eternally grateful that family not only welcomed it but appreciated and loved it. It took a village to get us through this first month of being a family of five. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. 


Take a deep breath, it's only the rest of your life


Maria took this picture of me and my boys and It's one my greatest treasures in life. I will cherish it forever. Looking at this picture it might seem like I have everything together, but I totally don't. Not all the time at least. Welcoming a new member of the family was really hard on me when Sammy came onto the scene. I had some form of Postpartum depression I'm sure of it. With Charlie it's been a night and day difference, being in Utah for the first month made all the difference and I'm so incredibly grateful to everyone who helped. Like this picture, it looks perfect, but not pictured are the nine people it took to get Danny and Sammy to sit still and smile. 

Even though I haven't struggled like I did with my last new baby I still have hard days. I finally realized what makes them hard. Failure. On hard days it seems like I have small failures all throughout the day. Eventually making up a draining disappointing day. Some examples of failures include, but are not limited to, failing to read Sammy that book he brought me, not playing "Hungry Hippos with Danny" or the house being a complete wreck when Wyatt gets home (ok this one happens the  most often). Sometimes I'll let two things fail in order to succeed in one area. Like I'll sacrifice book time with Sammy and a clean house to play Candy Land with Danny or I'll sacrifice the house and Danny time to focus on Sammy and sometimes I'll sacrifice time with both my kids to have the house cleaned up. Either way someone always ends up loosing out. I still haven't figured out what to do with this newfound knowledge or whether its normal. But those are my hard days in a nutshell. 

Motherhood is a funny thing. Somedays I feel as if the weight of the world is on my shoulders, other days I feel as light as a feather. Everyday I feel grateful to be able to stay home with my kids. Though somedays I long to have a job where I talk to other adults and have adult conversations. Then I remember adults kind of suck and I'm right back at being happy to stay at home.  

I love my babies more than words can say. The times I've let them down consume me if I let them. I try not to let it. But to my children I'd like to say, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the time you felt abandoned because I had to spend an hour on the phone with customer service paying a bill. I'm sorry for being on my phone while you were trying to show me something. Honestly, I'm just trying to keep it together and unfortunately paying medical bills need to happen and reading dumb articles on celebrity gossip keeps me afloat when I feel like I'm going to pull my hair out. (I will always swear by celebrity gossip as an anxiety alleviating respite). 

I had a sweet moment with Charlie yesterday where at the end of a long draining day. I sat down with him and wanted to cry, feeling like I had let down my crew in some type of way (which I suppose was all in my head because on paper it was a fantastic day) . I held him and he treated me to a  sweet smile and rested his head on my shoulder. To him I hadn't been a complete and utter failure. I fed him, I held him, I loved him, I changed him and snuggled him. As far as he was concerned I was his champion. Thank you Charlie, for that. I needed it. 

Sometimes it scares me how much Danny can remember. Take yesterday, we went to Maggie's birthday party at our old stomping ground La Aldea. He said he remembered our old house here and he remembered when a firetruck showed up right outside his door! I'm happy he remembers the good things, very happy. 

On the other hand he randomly came up to me and said "Mom I'm sorry I peed on the rocks" and I was like "What?! What rocks? When?" and he said "I'm sorry I peed on the rocks at the park" and I remembered MONTHS ago when we had had a really hard day. I bought chick filet and took it to the park with the kids. I thought I'd let them play at the park while we ate it. After being harassed by a group of what I can best describe as barbie moms Danny peed on some rocks at the park, very much in public. Worse still, was the elderly couple watching with disgust (honestly, do older folk forget how hard it was to have little kids or are they just judgy about everything?) My sheer mortification must have shown obviously on my face, because it seems to have left a lasting impact on him. Sadly!

Its memories like that that worry me!! He has such a good memory, he STILL talks about his second birthday!! Who remembers that? I'm so worried he'll remember me as being a horrible mom! Ok not horrible, but I'm worried he'll just remember the times I let him down! 

My hope for him and my other babies is that they'll remember the good times. Sure they'll probably remember some of the bad times too, but I'm trying. I want them to know I'm really really trying. These little failures in life is what truly makes some of my days hard. Luckily, not all of my days are like this, some are filled by golden moments!

xoxo,

Cindy


On one struggling day the rain and puddles from monsoon season gave me and my babies so much happiness. I loved watching them play in the rain. It was a much needed! 

What we love about Charles Month 1!

hat worn by all three of my babies <3



Taken the day after I brought him home

My little love bug

soaking in my sweet baby

ahh! he's grown so much already, love those chubby cheeks




Funny, he won't take a pacifier anymore, like we left the hospital and he wouldn't take it anymore. None of my babies did! 

Penny for your thoughts Charles

Newborn heaven

miracle

watching the rain











How idyllic is this? There is nothing better in the whole world than knowing you have a precious newborn sleeping on your bed. 

When Sammy was a new baby I watched "Call the Midwife" during our days at home (I'm so sorry Danny, I really wish our days hadn't been filled with so much screen time, thank you for still loving me. I was trying to survive!) the series lost its luster after it lost its main character. Weird that she was still narrating it though... Anyways, a quote from that show really stuck with me. It said ...

"Are babies precious because we love them so much? Do we love them so much because they are precious?"

Im leaning towards the latter. There is NOTHING in the world like snuggling your newborn. yeah they are a lot of work. But oh my goodness are they worth it. Everytime I hold Charlie I try to really take in what it feels like to have his little body curled up on my chest. Smell his hair or kiss his cheeks. He is heavenly and he's mine. All mine :) So without further ado here is what we love (most) about Charlie at month 1. Yes, I know I'm nearly a month late, always trying to hang on to my babies a little longer!!

WHAT WE LOVE ABOUT CHARLES MONTH 1

*everything, omg everything, we are smitten
*He is so sweet. Wyatt and I were saying that he is our sweetest baby thus far. His little spirit, his love of snuggling
*He is a cuddler! He loves to be snuggled and he'll rest his head on your shoulder and stay there for hours
* He's starting coo'ing and I melt like a popsicle on the fourth of July every time I hear him
*He laughed two nights ago! His first laugh. Friday August 4th! Yes he was sleeping but i'm still counting it! 
*He said hi to me yesterday. I swear he did. I leaned over his crib and said "HI!" and he said "hi" back to me
*he loves his brothers, I can already tell he just loves them!I keep getting the impression or feeling that he's just happy to be here! He's so content. yes he has fussy moments and yes they can be exhaustive but the good far outweighs the bad with this sweet boy
*He is so happy, I really do feel like he just wanted to be part of the family so badly. He had to make the jump. He jumped and hoped we would love him as much as he loved us and we are so in love! 
*his sweet newborn smell. nothing better in the world
*His strength. this baby is so strong!! the minute he was born he lifted his head around and took a look at the world (at his dad actually). He does tummy time and doesn't even fuss. 
*His love, he is so full of love and smiles. He already shares love with everyone and we are so lucky to call him our #5
*most nights he gives me 5-6 HOUR STRETCHES (maybe my favorite thing on this list ;) 

Time is going by too quickly!!!! Slow down because my baby won't be a baby forever, they grow so fast!!! 

Friday, August 4, 2017

Send help... and maybe Chris Hemsworth with a dozen donuts



The day has come to begin potty training Samuel. Ugh. He takes his diaper off (all of his clothing actually, he's running around in his birthday suit) constantly and putting it back on him is a straight up nightmare. So far this has been a train wreck. He's incredibly angry. all. the .time. and wants to go to the bathroom every 3 minutes. But not to pee, no, just to throw toilet paper int he toilet or to, you know, take a swim. He lets himself into the bathroom (I'm soooo happy he can open doors on his own now) and proceeds to try and get as much water outside the toilet as possible. 

Sammy, you're killing me. I have a 7 week old that needs me and a  4 year old following me around begging for ice cream and candy (and when I refuse to give it to him he yells "You're so mean!"). Cant you be ok with your diaper for a little longer? 


Tuesday, August 1, 2017

Seize the fat one!

Yesterday was really hard. Not gonna lie. I woke up at two am because I was hot and couldn't go back to sleep afterwards. All day I was tired, Charlie was fussy, and Sammy is teething. Honestly, I thought I'd loose my mind. I was frustrated that I couldn't take them anywhere. While Dany and Sammy are a good age for playing in splash pads or pools, Charlie isn't. I can't take him out in 100 degree heat! 
These are hard days, which is sad because it's when my babies are babies and soo adorable. I could kiss them all day. But that's life I guess. When they finally get to an age where we can run around together and do adventures it'll last like two years, then they'll be teenagers and hate me. uuggghhh why? Why does right now have to feel like a runaway train ride? Why instead couldn't' it be a leisure bike ride? You know, so you can "stop and smell the roses" and enjoy this time because "it goes so fast". I guess you just have to embrace the"Flying umbrella" and learn to let other things go like being well rested, eating a meal without someone pulling on your hair, or you know, your sanity. 


Nice thing is that for every two hours of wanting to pull your hair out you get golden moments. Like when your 4 year old says "Mom I just love you SO MUCH" or when your 20 month old tries to breastfeed his stuffed animal. 


Ah, life is wonderful.

PS Robin Hood and Maid Marian, babes on babes on babes. Why does Disney make their animated animal characters so attractive?!
What we love about the kids rn

The way Danny asks for a Striaffe (pronounced like giraffe but with an s in the front)
Charlie coos and is such a happy baby he smiles all the time!
Sammy signing "all done" is so adorable he's really starting to communicate more!
Danny and Sammy are starting to play together and it makes me so happy


What we didn't love so much... using an entire package of wipes to "clean" our window. smh, parent struggle 


I Spy

On a particularly overwhelming day in Utah I emerged from the basement at my in laws house looking to get a bottle for Sammy and put him down for a nap ASAP. Sammy and Charlie had both drained me for the day and I was SO ready for nap time. When I got to the kitchen I saw Danny and Linda looking through an I Spy book. My heart melted, when did he become old enough to enjoy I Spy? I didn't grow with those books so it was new to me. He looked so grown up and cute I was jealous that it wasn't me playing I Spy with him. I just love Danny so much. He's sweet, kind, intelligent and fun. Anytime he see's someone sitting out of a game or looking lonely at all he'll say "Hi! I'm Danny, come sit next to me". One time at a store he told a girl she looked "Beautiful in her pretty flower dress" heart eyes for days.

While looking through his backpack for school I found his "treasures" a bag of rocks Linda bought him while they were at the cabin, a set of keys, batman action figure and ziplock bag full of nickels and dimes. I thought my heart would explode, I think i've waited my whole life to have a little boy who liked spiderman, the flash, ninja turtles (angry turtles, as he used to call them) and ironman (we're not super keen to superman yet). I'm so lucky to be his mom and I'm trying so hard to be a good mom to him. It's hard having two other babies to take care of but Danny is very patient with me. Thanks Danny, You're the best boy!