Monday, July 17, 2017

The Good, The Bad and The Hideous

I had a growing experience yesterday. My morning was kind of crazy, I was trying to get Danny ready to go to the cabin with the family, wash our clothes, and keep an eye on Sammy (both eyes!). All while juggling a fussy Charlie. It was stressful!  Plus I couldn't find Sammy's orange and white hoodie and it was killing me. I felt like I couldn't move on with my life until I found that thing, I never found it, I still don't know where it is! (update, Linda found it! YAS! Finally)

What I see on my phone when Wyatt calls, cutie.

In the middle of it all Wyatt called, I looked at the phone and screened his call. He called again, again I let it go to voicemail. I was certain that he was calling to tell me something to stress me out. Our lack of money a medical bill, or asking about pediatrician appointments. Whatever it was I didn't want to hear it! I didn't answer any of his calls until after five. I wasn't prepared to talk to him, the straw that would break the camels back would surely be whatever he had to tell me. I wondered if it was sad that I was avoiding talking to my husband because I secretly felt that whenever I talked to him anything he had to say would stress me.

I finally called him and, as I suspected, the phone call was overwhelming and mentally taxing. I tried to get off the phone as fast as possible. Afterwards I sat and cried, finally feeling defeated over the course of the day. our conversation ranged from lack of money to an appointment he had made to shut our baby making factory down forever. It isn't that his reasoning is wrong. It's logical and it makes sense. I've prayed about it and I haven't felt an answer of yes or no. More like a shrug of shoulders... it's up to you type of thing. However, the thought of never giving birth or holding a newborn baby of mine made the tears flow freely. I decided that I would accept that we are closing this chapter in our lives and move on. Be grateful for the babies that we have and our health and move on to the new chapters we have yet to open.

I confessed to my mom that I don't love talking on the phone to Wyatt as of lately because our conversations have been stressful. She shook her head and said "Well, who do you expect him to talk to?". "You don't want him talking to anyone about his stresses but you" "you are his wife". I realized then that what she was saying was true. I don't want him stressing anyone else out. Because that would mean that he has an emotionally intimate relationship with someone who's not me!

We're married, we're a team. We have to face the good, the bad and the ugly together. When I got married people told me how hard marriage was and how much work went into it. I can vouch for every word. But I've been surprised at every turn how easily it is to slack off in a marriage. By avoiding Wyatt's calls and stressful conversations I was failing to be an emotionally supportive spouse. Sometimes it's hard, though, to look at the brutal facts.

 Which brings me to my favorite podcast, the last episode was titled "The Brutal Facts" and it could not have been more relevant to my situation. What Justin had to say really stuck with me...

"Being positive isn't about ignoring the brutal facts, it's about being able to stare them in the face and know you can succeed anyway"

That really resonated with me. So it's time to grow up and look at the brutal facts.

Brutal Fact One: I'm on a tight budget, like really tight.
Brutal Fact Two: I'm not going to be well rested for the next year or so.
Brutal Fact Three: We can't afford a new car.
Brutal Fact Four: Having three kids will absolutely be a challenge!
Brutal Fact Five: I can't have a job. Earlier today I got offered a job, and honestly it made me feel like a million bucks. I've been feeling a little sensitive after someone commented that I've let myself go. ouch. But getting this job offer made me feel excited and valuable. However, after talking it over with Wyatt he said no. Our monthly student loan payment would go up, so unless I was making a substantial amount of money it just isn't worth it. He didn't sound that excited for me either, in fairness I called him at work so He was probably distracted. But all in all it broke my heart.

When I look at the facts though, the brutal facts, it really isn't that bad. If these are the biggest challenges in my life then I will take it! No one has health problems and each one of these has some type of solution.

Brutal Solution One: Learn from our mistakes and adapt to a budget. Also, as I was folding my kids clothes and putting them away. I realized how nice my kids' clothes. Seriously you would never know that we are hurting for money, we have nice things. like, really nice things. I am so grateful to my parents, Wyatt's parents and Wyatt for showering me and my babies with amazing things! Plus we took our family to Disneyland earlier this year, like who can afford to do that? Thank you to my tribe for supporting me!!
Brutal Solution Two: What da do, plenty of people are sleep deprived and I've had some of my most memorable days when I've been sleep deprived. I can run off of 5 hrs of sleep and still win at life! I can still succeed!
Brutal Solution Three: Seat belt extender and two new carseats will make it super manageable. At least I have a car!
Brutal Solution Three: It only lasts a minute. Kids grow so freaking past. Babies turn into toddlers and toddlers turn into little boys. In 5 years I'll jump into a new stage of life when my sweet Charlie goes to Kindergarten (cries all the tears) enjoy it. Enjoy this struggle. Because life will always bring new struggles. Such as retirement/menopause, yikes, my troubles are physically and mentally demanding but relatively simple.
Brutal Solution Five: Focus on what I CAN control. Who knows maybe in the future I'll work and wish I could go back to the days when my babies were little and I didn't have to work. If there's one thing I've learned about being a mom to toddlers is that life can change moment from moment. So instead of thinking in my mind "okay what am I going to do to entertain them next" I just need to enjoy the moment because in the next moment they might be tired and want a nap. Or they might throw a tantrum. Just enjoy the moment, and don't worry about rushing off to the next place.

Here's to facing the brutal facts and knowing you can succeed,


PS. If anyone reads this and decides they'd like to buy me a new car I'm currently crushing on The Honda Odyssey's. A black one.  I know I said I'd never drive a minivan but by golly, I need one. I dream of it! So spacious. ahhhhh! Someday maybe.

PSS. I recently finished watching Castlevania on Netflix and I really liked it. If you have a penchance for anime and can handle gory battle scenes, this show is awesome. Check it out. Mature Viewers only yo.

PSS. Thanks US Government for crushing my dreams with your crazy loan repayment programs. Ya'll so savage, and greedy.

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