Monday, July 17, 2017

HELLO!

The Good, The Bad and The Hideous



I had a growing experience yesterday. My morning was kind of crazy, I was trying to get Danny ready to go to the cabin with the family, wash our clothes, and keep an eye on Sammy (both eyes!). All while juggling a fussy Charlie. It was stressful!  Plus I couldn't find Sammy's orange and white hoodie and it was killing me. I felt like I couldn't move on with my life until I found that thing, I never found it, I still don't know where it is! (update, Linda found it! YAS! Finally)

What I see on my phone when Wyatt calls, cutie.

In the middle of it all Wyatt called, I looked at the phone and screened his call. He called again, again I let it go to voicemail. I was certain that he was calling to tell me something to stress me out. Our lack of money a medical bill, or asking about pediatrician appointments. Whatever it was I didn't want to hear it! I didn't answer any of his calls until after five. I wasn't prepared to talk to him, the straw that would break the camels back would surely be whatever he had to tell me. I wondered if it was sad that I was avoiding talking to my husband because I secretly felt that whenever I talked to him anything he had to say would stress me.

I finally called him and, as I suspected, the phone call was overwhelming and mentally taxing. I tried to get off the phone as fast as possible. Afterwards I sat and cried, finally feeling defeated over the course of the day. our conversation ranged from lack of money to an appointment he had made to shut our baby making factory down forever. It isn't that his reasoning is wrong. It's logical and it makes sense. I've prayed about it and I haven't felt an answer of yes or no. More like a shrug of shoulders... it's up to you type of thing. However, the thought of never giving birth or holding a newborn baby of mine made the tears flow freely. I decided that I would accept that we are closing this chapter in our lives and move on. Be grateful for the babies that we have and our health and move on to the new chapters we have yet to open.

I confessed to my mom that I don't love talking on the phone to Wyatt as of lately because our conversations have been stressful. She shook her head and said "Well, who do you expect him to talk to?". "You don't want him talking to anyone about his stresses but you" "you are his wife". I realized then that what she was saying was true. I don't want him stressing anyone else out. Because that would mean that he has an emotionally intimate relationship with someone who's not me!

We're married, we're a team. We have to face the good, the bad and the ugly together. When I got married people told me how hard marriage was and how much work went into it. I can vouch for every word. But I've been surprised at every turn how easily it is to slack off in a marriage. By avoiding Wyatt's calls and stressful conversations I was failing to be an emotionally supportive spouse. Sometimes it's hard, though, to look at the brutal facts.

 Which brings me to my favorite podcast, the last episode was titled "The Brutal Facts" and it could not have been more relevant to my situation. What Justin had to say really stuck with me...

"Being positive isn't about ignoring the brutal facts, it's about being able to stare them in the face and know you can succeed anyway"

That really resonated with me. So it's time to grow up and look at the brutal facts.

Brutal Fact One: I'm on a tight budget, like really tight.
Brutal Fact Two: I'm not going to be well rested for the next year or so.
Brutal Fact Three: We can't afford a new car.
Brutal Fact Four: Having three kids will absolutely be a challenge!
Brutal Fact Five: I can't have a job. Earlier today I got offered a job, and honestly it made me feel like a million bucks. I've been feeling a little sensitive after someone commented that I've let myself go. ouch. But getting this job offer made me feel excited and valuable. However, after talking it over with Wyatt he said no. Our monthly student loan payment would go up, so unless I was making a substantial amount of money it just isn't worth it. He didn't sound that excited for me either, in fairness I called him at work so He was probably distracted. But all in all it broke my heart.

When I look at the facts though, the brutal facts, it really isn't that bad. If these are the biggest challenges in my life then I will take it! No one has health problems and each one of these has some type of solution.

Brutal Solution One: Learn from our mistakes and adapt to a budget. Also, as I was folding my kids clothes and putting them away. I realized how nice my kids' clothes. Seriously you would never know that we are hurting for money, we have nice things. like, really nice things. I am so grateful to my parents, Wyatt's parents and Wyatt for showering me and my babies with amazing things! Plus we took our family to Disneyland earlier this year, like who can afford to do that? Thank you to my tribe for supporting me!!
Brutal Solution Two: What da do, plenty of people are sleep deprived and I've had some of my most memorable days when I've been sleep deprived. I can run off of 5 hrs of sleep and still win at life! I can still succeed!
Brutal Solution Three: Seat belt extender and two new carseats will make it super manageable. At least I have a car!
Brutal Solution Three: It only lasts a minute. Kids grow so freaking past. Babies turn into toddlers and toddlers turn into little boys. In 5 years I'll jump into a new stage of life when my sweet Charlie goes to Kindergarten (cries all the tears) enjoy it. Enjoy this struggle. Because life will always bring new struggles. Such as retirement/menopause, yikes, my troubles are physically and mentally demanding but relatively simple.
Brutal Solution Five: Focus on what I CAN control. Who knows maybe in the future I'll work and wish I could go back to the days when my babies were little and I didn't have to work. If there's one thing I've learned about being a mom to toddlers is that life can change moment from moment. So instead of thinking in my mind "okay what am I going to do to entertain them next" I just need to enjoy the moment because in the next moment they might be tired and want a nap. Or they might throw a tantrum. Just enjoy the moment, and don't worry about rushing off to the next place.

Here's to facing the brutal facts and knowing you can succeed,

Cindy

PS. If anyone reads this and decides they'd like to buy me a new car I'm currently crushing on The Honda Odyssey's. A black one.  I know I said I'd never drive a minivan but by golly, I need one. I dream of it! So spacious. ahhhhh! Someday maybe.

PSS. I recently finished watching Castlevania on Netflix and I really liked it. If you have a penchance for anime and can handle gory battle scenes, this show is awesome. Check it out. Mature Viewers only yo.

PSS. Thanks US Government for crushing my dreams with your crazy loan repayment programs. Ya'll so savage, and greedy.

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

Somewhere Only We Know


I had a sweet moment with Charlie out on the deck today. I sat on the porch swing with him and just rocked with him. I tried so hard to take him all in. Babies grow so fast, they change everyday. I know I'm going to miss the moments when he needed me to hold him and snuggle him. I listened to the song "Somewhere only we know" on Youtube because I'm too broke to buy the song, ha. exhausted and poor. It made me want to have that moment with him everyday and I think I will, it'll be my special moment with Charlie. Sitting somewhere only we know.

So far I've had a song special to each one of my kids and I love this one for Charlie. Danny and I used to sing Do Re Mi together (sound of music) before we went to bed. I rediscovered the song Reverie Sound Revue with Sammy.  I remember I used to listen to Reverie Sound Revue before Wyatt came home, trying to hold on!  I also remember that I used to go on walks everyday with Danny and Sammy, trying to kill time. It was sooo stressful for me, I was worried Sammy would fuss or that I'd have to feed him while I was out and about. But on the bright side it was always beautiful weather, cool crips air and watching the sun go down. I saw some of the prettiest skies and sunsets. I also saw birds fly over us, a lot, and somehow they always felt like a reminder of how beautiful my life was...  or if it was a bad day that I would get through it! Memories!

 I'm happy to say I don't worry  about breastfeeding in public anymore with Charlie. I feed him anywhere and anytime. I guess third time is the charm right?

Well, Charlie is still awake and possibly requires a little more effort on my part then just using my foot to rock his crib.

xo

Cindy

Monday, July 10, 2017

Don't forget!

* Everyday Danny says "Charlie looks born" idk what that means... maybe he's saying that he's been born, finally!

* Sammy says "Thank you", "Mom", "Mama", "Dada", "Nanny (Danny)", "Hello", "Shoe", "Show", "Frie", "Off/On". 

*Sammy is such a mover and shaker!!! I have to watch him 24/7! He jumps the stairs when he gets to the bottom two steps and I'm constantly paranoid he's going to break something. 

*Charlie is the most adorable baby, I'm smitten.

*I'm exhausted! But happy, I have had a lot better post partum experience this baby than I did with last. I'm pretty certain it's because I'm getting so much help!

Saturday, July 8, 2017

Yesterday I almost had a long crying session! While I'm doing really well mentally and emotionally this time around post baby I still have hard days. I have a lot of help, which I am so grateful for, but sometimes when I sit and think about it I get overwhelmed thinking that I now have three little people depending on me. To love them, teach them and take care of them. When I do have these moments I feel like throwing up! Somehow throwing up seems as though it would alleviate the pressure I feel. I've never actually thrown up because of it, but I have that thought every time I'm overwhelmed!

Yesterday I had an emotional break, I decided it would be best to stay back while the rest of the family went to Thomas and Laura's cabin for pizza. I had just been at my parents house with my mom and trying to keep Sammy from touching things he wasn't supposed to and Charlie happy did me in. As I was driving back to my in laws house tears pricked at my eyes thinking about watching an 19 month old at a cabin AND a newborn. I knew that plenty of people would have helped but I didn't want to burden everyone. Holding back tears I called Linda and told her that Sammy, Charlie and I wouldn't be coming to the cabin.

I was parked in front of a beautiful house, seriously it was gorgeous. It was a new build and no one was living in it. I thought it would be the perfect place to have a cry. I tried telling Linda I wasn't coming, but she wasn't having it. She tried to convince me to come saying that everyone was there to help. Thank you Linda. I needed that boost.

I had spoken to Wyatt earlier on the phone and he said that he definitely wouldn't go. He admonished me not to go, that it would be stressful. So I had decided to take his advice, but when I was driving back I thought "Well, Wyatt wouldn't have driven to Boston in the middle of the night either!" (or explored Boston ALL DAY, or track down Benedict throughout the city or spend his birthday in New York with baby on his own with his friends) (you get the idea!). This is me, I'm adventurous, I don't mind struggling with babies somewhere new and exciting (within reason)!

Somewhere along the Menieres Disease and second baby I lost a sense of who I am. I lost my sense of adventure and became afraid of the world. Always afraid to venture out of my house for fear of a migraine. Well no more! I want to be a fun adventurous mom, like Becky! I feel like if I wait around to have fun until my babies are grown I might resent them a little, don't you think?  So from here on out I'm going to take adventures and opportunities when they arise! Do my best with my three boys.

Thank you Linda, for helping convince me to go to the cabin. I am so happy I went and I did receive a lot of help. It took a village :)

xo

Cindy
Good grief, In case anyone was wondering I am beyond exhausted. I think hands down this is the most tired I've been in the past two weeks. Potentially the nights that sammy wasn't sleeping too rival tonight. I don't even know why I'm so tired! I got a decent amount of sleep last night (decent considering I just had a baby and I have three kids). But wow, I'm so tired.

I went to Target with my mom and all three kids and it was insanely draining!! I think it's safe to say I won't be going to Target with all my kids again anytime soon. Oh well, Like I have the money to blow there anyways!!

Charlie, it's midnight and you still haven't gone to sleep. Sammy I'm worried about checking on you because if you wake up I might loose my mind. Danny, I consider myself the luckiest girl in the world to be your mom! I get to see your smile and enjoy your sweet spirit everyday! I love all my babies, but I'm not going to lie, this is hard!

I write this down so that someday when I'm pinning to have another baby I remember the hard times! Because honestly whenever I have a sweet moment with Charlie I feel like I could have five more babies.  But this is me reminding you how hard and tired you are!!



Friday, July 7, 2017

Remember when it rained

On a particularly rough evening with my kids seeing my in laws and Alex and Maddison come home was like rain after a drought. When Alex and Maddison came through the door they said it was raining. I quickly asked Mads if she'd hold Charlie and I ran outside. I held my arms out and let the rain come down on me. I felt like it was washing away the bad feelings of the day and cleaning me,so I could be a clean slate. It was exactly what I needed. Remember when I couldn't enjoy the rain because of Menieres? I remembered that too, my heart swelled with happiness and gratitude. 

I let the rain wash me clean and decided that from here on out I would enjoy every minute with my babies because someday I'd miss their days of being little and the problems we would face would be more complicated... affording college, school, homework, soccer, piano, problems with friends etc.  For now I'll try to just enjoy the simplicity of just taking care of my little people. It's physically hard, because I'm surviving off of 35 seconds of sleep and holding babies all day. But someday I'll be getting full nights sleep and my babies will be older and won't need (or want) to be held. 

So this is me from here on out trying to enjoy this stage of life so that when this chapter closes I'll know I loved it to the fullest extent. 

xo

Cindy 

Tuesday, July 4, 2017

HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY












She was standing like this candidly!!! She wasn't posing! 

God bless America. I am so grateful for those who have laid down their lives so that my babies and I could have a wonderful life in the land we love.  We celebrated fourth of July twice, once with the Anthony's and once with the Almaraz's. As would be expected, we had a blast!

One my way back from my parents house I took a small detour and drove past my old stomping grounds. I always do when I visit UT. I want so desperately for my kids to play on the playground across the street from the Orem Rec Center. Where I used to play. I want to take a walk around the walk way there. I want them to go swimming at the rec center with me. I want them to walk home form "school" with me. A home which isn't my families anymore, sad. Coming back to Utah always brings on the nostalgia, but tonight in particular was special.

As I was driving around there were fireworks going off, it was magical. Danny and Sammy squealed whenever they spotted the colorful explosions. Everytime we saw what we thought was "The best ones" I debated stopping and admiring the view, but ultimately kept driving. I got to my old neighborhood and remembered that the Gallegars always had the best firework show, the best. I didn't think they'd mind if I showed up with my crew. However the road was blocked, construction and a plethora of cars. The literal way to my old neighborhood was shut. It was almost symbolic to me "Stop, there is no going backwards, you must continue forward". So I drove back to my in laws house. Again, seeing fireworks left and right. Danny begged to stop but I thought it best to get to our final destination, where we were supposed to be. It wasn't easy, we saw some pretty amazing ones. Finally we made it and I quickly got everyone out of the car and shuffled my little people to the backyard where I could sit and nurse Charlie without worrying about someone running off to the road.

We never expected our own private showing of Lindon's finest firework show. My in laws have a clearing of trees in their backyard and someone, somewhere, was lighting fireworks so that they were positioned perfectly in that clearing. We sat on the porch and watched them. Danny sat to my left and Sammy to my right. Their little faces, I wish I could have taken a picture. Sammy was so excited he looked at me with an excited smile when he saw one go off as if to say "did you see that ma?!". It was bliss. A spellbinding moment that I would never relive. I tried my best to soak it all in, knowing someday I'd miss seeing their cute baby faces, once they had been replaced by adolescent or adult faces. My babies, I love them.

As I sat watching the fireworks I realized that life had taught me an important lesson. I am right where I need to be.

I struggle to find self worth and purpose after I've had a baby. It hasn't consumed me this time around, but still it lingers on the outskirts of my mind. The doubts that I chose the right road to take, the feelings of failure at living the "best life" and settling for the mundanity of everyday living with babies.

Our firework experience was best enjoyed when we were where we were meant to be. Not trying to live someone else's magic moment. Life had a better one waiting for us, where we wouldn't have to crane our neck to see or take a detour from our course.

Here's to enjoying our own magic moments in life,

xo,

Cindy

PS Tragically both Sammy and Danny's cute 4th of July shirts are stained beyond repair :( breaks my heart. I seriously loved those shirts... glad I got a good picture of them wearing them!