Tuesday, June 27, 2017

Our trip to Heaven, by way of Hell

Remember how in my last post I said that in the temple Heaven and Earth touched? Well after I had Charlie I realized that the hospital was another place where heaven and earth met. People coming and going all the time. Giving birth is like nothing I've ever experienced. The euphoria that washes over you when you pop that baby out is out of this world.

Before I get off topic here is the "birth story"...

Not gonna lie this labor kind of sucked.

Yesterday morning from 3am-630am I had regular contractions. We were about to head to the hospital when they fizzled out. I've had on again off again labors all week!

We decided to take a walk around the hospital  (10:00am) and see if they came back. Figuring that I was already at a 4 they'd admit me. We were so done with the stop and go labor.... and pregnancy all together!

Took a long walk, did some flights of stairs. Exhausted and defeated we decided to go to lunch before Wyatt went to work. We ate lunch then drove home. On our way home I had 3 good painful contractions we went back to the hospital to try our luck.

1230pm get to the hospital and to triage. Nurse checks me and I'm 4cm and 70% effaced. Gives us 1.5 hr to walk the hospital then check progress. Come back after walking for literally 1.5hr, so exhausting. Checks again and I'm 4.5cm and 80% effaced,  she decided to "irritate my uterus and see if that shakes things up" omg it felt like getting my membranes stripped it hurt so bad. After an hr of walking again my dr shows up and checks and strips my membranes, yikes! Tells me I have to go home because I didn't make it to 5cm. (4pm)

Go home take a nap then at 8:30pm I have super strong painful contractions. Go back to the hospital and beg for pain meds. I get breaks between my contractions and I was exhausted from walking all day.

Nurse says that if I've progressed in an hr she'll ask the dr. I say, no, now! I explain that I don't progress without pain meds/epidural because I can't relax. Finally 30 min later I get morphine 🙌🏽. She checks me 30 min after and I'm at at a 5 and admits me.

I get admitted (10ish pm) and tell the nurse I need the epidural ASAP. The anesthesiologist says he's just down the hall and walking over. 30 min later he shows up. Lies! He wasn't down the hall!! I get my epidural and it doesn't feel right. But it blocks most of the pain. I still feel little twinges on the right side of my body but figure it will just take time.

Take a nap and wake up to full on contraction pain on my right side. I call the nurse to tell her to call anesthesiologist. She hesitates and Wyatt says "call now, my wife is in pain". 🙌🏽 she calls and thank heavens because the left side wore off too. 20 min of full on labor pains without being able to get up and walk around during contractions.

Anesthesiologist says stronger medicine might help. I say "I think it needs to be placed again. He agrees to do a new epidural. He gives me strong meds and it all kicks in. Hooray! (3:30am ish?) currently dilated to 6cm.

Take a quick nap and at 5am ish nurse checks me and I'm at a 9! Around 20 min later I throw up (never happened in my other labors) 10 min later I throw up again. I push 3 times baby is out! Hand me the baby and I throw up again 😩. He was born at 5:39am 

As you read, this labor was not the easiest. I have never thrown up with any of my other labors and I've never had to get an epidural placed twice. But my three pushes at the end were a piece of cake and I had no significant tearing! I got a stitch for the tiniest of tears, but a stitch, that's it! Wahoo!

My time spent in the hospital with Charlie was so dang special. Literally time stands still when you are in the hospital with your new baby. You don't have to worry about bills, texts, cooking, cleaning, or even other children! Just you and the new baby. I kind of wished I had spent more time there, but in the back of my mind I figured my mom was dying with my kids. So guilt dictated that we come home. Once you leave the hospital that time of soaking in your baby is gone. You have other things to put up with, I remember having my first disagreement with someone after Charlie was born. I was like, what is this?! I literally haven't felt these feelings in ages (ages being a few days) because I was basking in newborn heaven. I'm glad I got some pictures of our time in the hospital. Our trip to heaven to pick up our little nugget.

Seeing as how it was the weekend I was worried I wasn't going to get tea time. But lo and behold Gilbert Mercy delivered! 

A room with a view. Wyatt told me that we could see the temple from our window. Somehow this slipped through the cracks of my mind and i didn't notice the view until right before we were about to leave. 

The two places heaven and earth meet 

My favorite picture

*I GOT TO RING THE BELL! Back when I had Sammy someone else was responsible for ringing the bell. But now, parents ring the bell when they go from Labor and Delivery to Couplet Care. Adorable. 

When I was pretty much at my wits end being pregnant I did a session at the Gilbert Temple. It required a phone call and borrowing a dress from them. The temple workers were so incredibly kind to me, I was surprised honestly.  They stopped the session so I could go to the bathroom and they brought me some small water bottles so I wouldn't get thirsty.
Doing a session 4 days overdue taught me few things...

* You can find peace in the temple. I know this sounds incredibly cliche but I didn't totally have a testimony about it before. But this specific session made me a believer. It was nice not to have a cellphone to keep track of... or babies! It was exactly what I needed to ease my anxieties. I can't tell you why I felt so much peace... maybe it was because nothing I was worried about mattered in the temple. Or the fact that you know, it's the House of the Lord. idk but I'm here to tell you you can find peace at the temple.

*The temple is important. When I was in the process of getting my recommend renewed the stake president said he felt impressed to tell me that my husband and I should make temple attendance a priority while our kids were young. Between that and the feelings I felt at the temple I believe that God wants us to come worship at his house often. I think I'm going to shoot for every other month. Does Thomas' and Laura's sealing count? I think so.

*Our ancestors got our back. I've been thinking about ancestors a lot lately. Due largely in part of this podcast. It's my favorite and I listen to it almost daily.  Having a new baby means a lot of self reflection. Which I wish I could write down more, but please believe me when I say I have no time! It's been crazy. You literally never know how the next thirty minutes are going to go. Anyways, while I was at the temple I felt so strongly that my ancestors were supporting me. I had the mental image of them standing on either side of me with their hands on my shoulders, don't make fun of me. It made me think of the time Aang (avatar the last airbender) became familiar with all the avatars before him. Goosebumps. I couldn't find the exact clip I want but this clip will have to do.

* Genealogy is needed. When I got my patriarchal blessing I was disappointed it said very little about me. It talks about how I will influence people but says little about my actual character and person. I'm not disappointed about that anymore, I figured it means I can do much good. It discusses how I will help my ancestors with their temple work.

I've often thought I wouldn't survive in any other time period (giving birth without epidurals? no thank you) and give thanks all the time that I was born when I was. Maybe my ancestors sacrificed what they could to get me to this point in time. Somewhere down their line they knew that one of their descendants would be a stay at home mom and would have the ability to carve out time to seek them and their stories out. Here I am, here is your big duty! May not be the glamorous humanitarian work in third world countries I dream of, but somehow seeking my ancestors out has a bad a** feel to it.

This brings me back to the podcast I mentioned earlier. Episode 422 is called Whakapapa, which roughly translates into "to stack rocks on one another reaching heaven ward". The idea behind it is that we need to be taking care of our descendants and feeling gratitude towards our ancestors. What can we do to improve the lives of our descendants? Being a good ancestor. Nowhere is this idea more prevalent than in the temple. For example sealing's, they are full of good feelings and are so dang cute. Anybody who's gone to a sealing knows that you will always have that cheesy moment in the sealing where the sealer asks you to hold hands and look at the mirror. When you do this you see your reflection reflected for eternity, it's supposed to signify the eternity of your sealing. But also the ancestors who came before you and the descendants that are coming after you. Sometimes during the sealing's I've gone to I've mused about big time celebrities doing this with their spouses and I actually feel kind of bad for them, that they don't get to have this experience. Or people who have to save up money to get married in a church and PAY a pastor to marry them, what?  The temple is hands down one of the prettiest buildings and it doesn't cost a penny for anyone to get married there. Just a pure heart and an eternal promise. Ok I'm off topic, had to share that thought though.

Now that I have three sons I feel a sense of "what am I doing in my life?' I suppose I have a mild existential crisis every time I have a new baby, but this one feels different. I have three sons, that sounds so adult. What am I doing to better my genealogical chain? How am I going to avoid being the weak link. Being a mom is mundane, and repetitive. It doesn't hold the type of glory that the peace corp does. I could go on and on with this. But perhaps, for right now anyways, my calling in life is to raise good men and help my ancestors out. How very underwhelming that sounds. But this is the stone I bring to the stack of my ancestral line. It sounds underwhelming to me but Whakapapa isn't about me is it? It's about being a good ancestor. Maybe my influence will have lasting influences that I can't foresee right now.

*In the temple heaven touches earth. Who was it that said that if you go to the temple with the right attitude you will always leave a better person? (the adorable sealer at Thomas' and Laura's wedding quoted this). I believe this wholeheartedly. I came to the temple anxious, irritated and midly depressed and left feeling hope. I'm not saying that I've been perfectly zen since then... but I have noticed a calmer feeling to my life... despite my slow decent into madness.

Sorry this was sort of slapped together... I'm doing my best!



Sunday, June 18, 2017

Happy Father's Day Wyatt!

Happy Father's Day Wyatt! 

Thanks for being such an amazing, dad to our kids! 

Friday, June 16, 2017

5:39 AM
8lb 8oz
20.5" long

Sunday, June 11, 2017

Dear Charlie

Where you at son?

Due date has come and gone little dude. I just want you to know that we're a pretty chill family, in case you had reservations about coming. Wyatt is the bomb, he's fun, kind, loving and selfless. Danny is sweet and he's very excited to meet you. He complains about how long you've taken in getting here. Sammy is kind of a loose cannon at this point ... but you'll have a lot of fun with him. I have no doubt you two will be besties. Me, well I can tell you in all honesty that I try my best. I love my babies and will love you. I'm kind of a hot mess lately but I'm working on it! I may not look like I have it all together all the time, but I will love you forever and for always.