Thursday, February 2, 2017

Dear Danny


Dear Danny, I love you. So much! You are kind, patient and a much better person than I am! You are smart, imaginative and giving. Thank you for being you and for being my son! Thank you for forgiving my mistakes, which are many. Thank you for waking up everyday and loving me despite my shortcomings. 

Today, we had a wonderful day! We had a picnic by the park, tried to hunt down the ice cream truck and shared mini donuts at the Farmers Market. But there was one moment from today that really has me troubled. After finishing off our mini donuts you announced you wanted to buy a waffle "to share". I being concerned with our spending habits decided it best we not buy the waffle (they're $7!!). You being the wonderful, loving kid you are excitedly declared that you had money! You pulled out a handful of pennies from your back pocket and said something along the lines of "I can buy a waffle for us to share!!". I explained that pennies were not enough money to buy the waffle and that I was sorry. With confusion and sadness you pocketed your fortune and sat back down in the bike carriage. I applauded myself for having the self control to say no and took you home. You said nothing more about the matter and seemed pretty happy the rest of the night. 

I told dad about this whole scenario and he said it was heartbreaking! I agreed it was sad, but that we had done so many fun things I thought it would be ok! However, now, as I sit here awake and unable to go back to sleep (pregnancy) I realize how much I wish I would have let you believe that pennies were enough for a waffle (or at least that we could find a suitable substitute at half the cost).

You see, I made the mistake of reading through the news while laying here awake. The world is a confused, sad place. I read about people trying to find new homes after theirs were destroyed by war and violence. I read about people who have homes but have nothing to eat. I read about people who have done terrible things to each other. In every one of these scenarios I thought of you and Sammy. I thought of how difficult and scary it would be to have to flee our home. I thought about how horrific it would be to have to go without food, and how someday it would be you reading the news of someones tragic passing at the hands of another. It breaks my heart to think that this is the world you are going to grow up in. Not that the world was perfect when I was growing up... but I feel like it was less confused. It was simpler times where Denim on denim was a fashions top mark and Recess was one of the best shows on TV. There was political unrest but less confusion about gender roles/sexual orientation (I know, I know, I said the S word *cringe*). 

Having all this in mind, I am crazy to want to "help you grow up". Why would I want to inform you that pennies can't buy waffles? Why would I want to shorten your childhood at all?! This is your time to believe in the power of pennies and saying "please". By educating you on how little value your money held I also chipped away at your childhood and it breaks my heart into a million pieces. I'm not saying that I should have bought you the waffle, (because $7!) but maybe offered a different solution, making cookies? Forgive me, I was tired and pregnant. Eager to get home and lay down. I am sorry.

 I am sorry for pushing you onto the bus that first time, despite your terrified face. I am sorry for making you go to play-school when you were 2.5 and expecting you to like it! I am sorry for pushing you into little sports classes assuming you'd enjoy them, when really you were happy and content to stay home. My mistake, all my mistakes for trying to get you to act older. I won't even go into potty training! (Oh the guilt!). I love you more than I can express and want you to be happy. Please realize all these mistakes seemed right at the time. It all worked out fine. You love school now, and the bus! I haven't attempted sports class again because I know better, and now understand that you are most happy and content at home with me.

I am certain I will have many more mistakes along the road, forgive me in advanced for those. But I promise that I will try harder to, as the cliched term says, "let you be little". I will try harder to maintain your childhood and your beliefs that pennies can buy waffles. At some point you will grow up, that bubble will burst and you will step into the bleak reality all adults live in (it's really not as bad as I make it sound! But I sometimes I miss the days when all I had to worry about was eating my dinner!) . But I now know that the world will help break reality to you, I don't need to. I get to be the fun one who showers you with dollar store gifts and  allows you "help" me make cookies. For just a little longer you get to stay home with me and I get to hang onto the days we have together at home for  a little longer. Before I lose you to school, homework and extracurriculars. 

When we were coming home from the Farmers Market I had to get off my bike and push it up the hill because I couldn't make it up biking. You asked why I got off my bike and I explained I couldn't make it up the hill biking, I wasn't strong enough. Without skipping a beat you said "You're great mommy! You are doing your best!". You are the sweetest boy. I'd like to think that you have the same sentiment when it comes to my parenting. Because I am, doing my best. 

Con todo mi cariƱo,

Mom

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