Friday, September 15, 2017

What we love about Charlie Month Two!

Awe my coat of many colors baby ;). What's not to love about Charles? To know him is to love him. Newborn heaven is real people. It's not a myth! But anyways, I GUESS I'll try to narrow it all down to a few things...


  • He's so sweet, Wyatt and I think he's the sweetest baby we've had. 
  • He loves to cuddle, and he holds on to you!
  • His big gummy smiles, he will smile at just about anyone and everyone. 
  • His sweet baby coo's. Oh my heart! One of my favorite stages of babies is when they babble/coo I think literally anyone, ANYONE, would melt when hearing him coo. 
  • Patience, this baby knows he's the third and is trying hard to make our life easier. His crying isn't even a real cry, it's more of a whine "Oh gosh you guys I said I was hungry forever ago!" 
  • low maintenance, Maddison said he's such a good baby you might even forget he's there!! He's so quiet and patient, he doesn't even make a peep. 
  • He loves his bath, I keep saying I want to give him a bath more often (rather than once a week, sorry Charles). He loves it! I remember when i had Sammy I gave him a bath and he had this look on his face that to me said "Thank you, the warm water feels so good to my little body". I get the totally same vibe from Charlie. He never cries! He loves it .
  • He's just happy to be here. Since day one I told Wyatt that it seems to me that Charlie's just happy to be here. He just has the happiest sweetest disposition. I think he really just wanted to be one of the brothers.  



Sunday, September 10, 2017

Hold him a little longer

Every day I try so hard to take in all the beautiful moments life with three little boys has to offer me. It's not always easy, and sometimes it's really overwhelming but at the end of the day I love them so much I think my heart might burst. 
I can't believe how fast they are growing. I keep having these moments where I pause and look around and think "these cute boys are mine? pinch me!". We had dinner at Costco on friday, and I couldn't stop looking at them and thinking "I bet people are thinking I'm so lucky to have these cute munchkins". Honestly, they looked so handsome and were so sweet. 
When I'm home with the kids I listen to the radio a lot. This song in particular has been played sooo much, so now when I hear it I think of my babies and the sweet moments I have with them. 

Con todo mi cariño,

Hold him a little longer,
Rock him a little more.
Tell him another story
(You've only told him four).
Let him sleep on your shoulder,
Rejoice in his happy smile.
He is only a little boy
For such a little while.

Tuesday, September 5, 2017

I downloaded the Leap second app and I really like it. Basically you take a one second video of your day everyday and make a video out of it. Here's what we've been up to lately. Newborn heaven, a new swing set and our favorite visitors in town! Blessings all around!

xo, Cindy 

Wednesday, August 9, 2017


The boys and I baking muffins 

Sometimes I have the most wonderful days. Filled with good feelings, laughter and love. Other days I don't. I imagine that's the normal for most people. Yesterday was one of those days that seemed like a dream. Almost too good to be true even. We played in the backyard all morning and it was the first time I truly felt that I got to enjoy it. We played soccer, we played catch, explored the backyard and loved each other's company. We went inside for Sammy to take a nap and Danny to have quiet time. All these years I've been doing quiet time backwards. Where we watch TV ALL DAY and for quiet time I hoped he'd play with toys quietly in his room. This,  as you might imagine didn't go over very smoothly. I've since then realized it has to be done the other way around.?
One day randomly I decided to break ties with our TV (actually I had heard someone left the TV behind and my competitive spark was lit.

 Honestly it felt like breaking an addiction. It's been a very positive thing for the kids and I. We still watch it, but maybe 1-2 hrs a day. We actually play the rest of it! I don't know how I did it. It just sort of clicked. But I've been so happy about it. Yesterday they didn't watch any TV and we all felt like we were walking on air the whole day. We had a one hour dance party before bed. Totally out of the blue. It was so fun. And wow, my energy. I have no idea where all that energy came from. I was up with them at 5:30pm and all day I had the energy to keep up with them and play with them.
I love my boys they are the treasure in my life and am so lucky they love me!



PS. I deactivated FB and don't have the IG app either. It's been very freeing. though sometimes I miss keeping up with people I love! So once a month or so I'll drop in on them to see how they're doing. last time I did a friend of mine posted a picture of her with her 2 month baby and toddler and. It was a very casual picture. Nothing special, no makeup or matching clothes or clean house. Her description of the picture really hit home with me. It's pretty much exactly how I feel! See below...

The days are long, the pictures (and reality😂) unflattering and the joy and love unmeasurable. I wouldn't trade these sleepless nights in the trenches for anything, these little humans need so much and sometimes it's overwhelming but I know I will not always be so needed and I know that right now I am their whole world and I'm just going to take a minute and soak it all in whenever I can. ❤️

Sunday, August 6, 2017

Well played Samuel

One picture wasn't enough, ugh Sammy you are so handsome!

In an impressive plot twist. Sammy found a loophole in the system. As I previously mentioned Sammy has started refusing his diaper but also refusing to potty train. All day I told him "you have to pick one or the other. You either have to wear a diaper or use the potty". After an hour or so of him running around totally naked and me taking him to the potty every 15 min hoping to stop an accident before it happens, he brought a diaper to me and asked that I put it on him. I obliged. He came back less then 10 min later took the diaper off and handed me his wet diaper. Touché Samuel

Let's see who's biggest

Danny: whoa dad! You are so much taller than mom

Us: you're right

Danny: whoa mommy you have the biggest tummy


Danny: Dad you don't have the biggest tummy

Me:... well you're not wrong

It took a village

Right after Charlie was born we flew to Utah, six days after he was born to be precise. Some (irritating) people said "Wow! You are so brave" and not only am I beyond sick of hearing people low key judge my parenting but I always think the truly brave thing would have been for me to stay in Arizona, 113 degree Arizona. All alone, with a new baby and two cooped up kids and no family.  Words do not adequatly describe the amount of love and support we received. I truly enjoyed Charlie's newborn faze and had a wonderful time. Sure, it was still tough sometimes, but I have a newborn, a 19 month old and a 4 year old. Life is going to get hard sometimes! But it wasn't nearly as hard as it would have been had I stayed here in Arizona. Everyday my kids felt love from so many people and played with cousins till the sun went down. I almost want to cry thinking about how depressing it would have been here by ourselves! I'm certain that being in Utah for the first month saved me from postpartum blues. We basically brought a circus to my in laws house and I'm eternally grateful that family not only welcomed it but appreciated and loved it. It took a village to get us through this first month of being a family of five. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. 

Take a deep breath, it's only the rest of your life

Maria took this picture of me and my boys and It's one my greatest treasures in life. I will cherish it forever. Looking at this picture it might seem like I have everything together, but I totally don't. Not all the time at least. Welcoming a new member of the family was really hard on me when Sammy came onto the scene. I had some form of Postpartum depression I'm sure of it. With Charlie it's been a night and day difference, being in Utah for the first month made all the difference and I'm so incredibly grateful to everyone who helped. Like this picture, it looks perfect, but not pictured are the nine people it took to get Danny and Sammy to sit still and smile. 

Even though I haven't struggled like I did with my last new baby I still have hard days. I finally realized what makes them hard. Failure. On hard days it seems like I have small failures all throughout the day. Eventually making up a draining disappointing day. Some examples of failures include, but are not limited to, failing to read Sammy that book he brought me, not playing "Hungry Hippos with Danny" or the house being a complete wreck when Wyatt gets home (ok this one happens the  most often). Sometimes I'll let two things fail in order to succeed in one area. Like I'll sacrifice book time with Sammy and a clean house to play Candy Land with Danny or I'll sacrifice the house and Danny time to focus on Sammy and sometimes I'll sacrifice time with both my kids to have the house cleaned up. Either way someone always ends up loosing out. I still haven't figured out what to do with this newfound knowledge or whether its normal. But those are my hard days in a nutshell. 

Motherhood is a funny thing. Somedays I feel as if the weight of the world is on my shoulders, other days I feel as light as a feather. Everyday I feel grateful to be able to stay home with my kids. Though somedays I long to have a job where I talk to other adults and have adult conversations. Then I remember adults kind of suck and I'm right back at being happy to stay at home.  

I love my babies more than words can say. The times I've let them down consume me if I let them. I try not to let it. But to my children I'd like to say, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the time you felt abandoned because I had to spend an hour on the phone with customer service paying a bill. I'm sorry for being on my phone while you were trying to show me something. Honestly, I'm just trying to keep it together and unfortunately paying medical bills need to happen and reading dumb articles on celebrity gossip keeps me afloat when I feel like I'm going to pull my hair out. (I will always swear by celebrity gossip as an anxiety alleviating respite). 

I had a sweet moment with Charlie yesterday where at the end of a long draining day. I sat down with him and wanted to cry, feeling like I had let down my crew in some type of way (which I suppose was all in my head because on paper it was a fantastic day) . I held him and he treated me to a  sweet smile and rested his head on my shoulder. To him I hadn't been a complete and utter failure. I fed him, I held him, I loved him, I changed him and snuggled him. As far as he was concerned I was his champion. Thank you Charlie, for that. I needed it. 

Sometimes it scares me how much Danny can remember. Take yesterday, we went to Maggie's birthday party at our old stomping ground La Aldea. He said he remembered our old house here and he remembered when a firetruck showed up right outside his door! I'm happy he remembers the good things, very happy. 

On the other hand he randomly came up to me and said "Mom I'm sorry I peed on the rocks" and I was like "What?! What rocks? When?" and he said "I'm sorry I peed on the rocks at the park" and I remembered MONTHS ago when we had had a really hard day. I bought chick filet and took it to the park with the kids. I thought I'd let them play at the park while we ate it. After being harassed by a group of what I can best describe as barbie moms Danny peed on some rocks at the park, very much in public. Worse still, was the elderly couple watching with disgust (honestly, do older folk forget how hard it was to have little kids or are they just judgy about everything?) My sheer mortification must have shown obviously on my face, because it seems to have left a lasting impact on him. Sadly!

Its memories like that that worry me!! He has such a good memory, he STILL talks about his second birthday!! Who remembers that? I'm so worried he'll remember me as being a horrible mom! Ok not horrible, but I'm worried he'll just remember the times I let him down! 

My hope for him and my other babies is that they'll remember the good times. Sure they'll probably remember some of the bad times too, but I'm trying. I want them to know I'm really really trying. These little failures in life is what truly makes some of my days hard. Luckily, not all of my days are like this, some are filled by golden moments!



On one struggling day the rain and puddles from monsoon season gave me and my babies so much happiness. I loved watching them play in the rain. It was a much needed! 

What we love about Charles Month 1!

hat worn by all three of my babies <3

Taken the day after I brought him home

My little love bug

soaking in my sweet baby

ahh! he's grown so much already, love those chubby cheeks

Funny, he won't take a pacifier anymore, like we left the hospital and he wouldn't take it anymore. None of my babies did! 

Penny for your thoughts Charles

Newborn heaven


watching the rain

How idyllic is this? There is nothing better in the whole world than knowing you have a precious newborn sleeping on your bed. 

When Sammy was a new baby I watched "Call the Midwife" during our days at home (I'm so sorry Danny, I really wish our days hadn't been filled with so much screen time, thank you for still loving me. I was trying to survive!) the series lost its luster after it lost its main character. Weird that she was still narrating it though... Anyways, a quote from that show really stuck with me. It said ...

"Are babies precious because we love them so much? Do we love them so much because they are precious?"

Im leaning towards the latter. There is NOTHING in the world like snuggling your newborn. yeah they are a lot of work. But oh my goodness are they worth it. Everytime I hold Charlie I try to really take in what it feels like to have his little body curled up on my chest. Smell his hair or kiss his cheeks. He is heavenly and he's mine. All mine :) So without further ado here is what we love (most) about Charlie at month 1. Yes, I know I'm nearly a month late, always trying to hang on to my babies a little longer!!


*everything, omg everything, we are smitten
*He is so sweet. Wyatt and I were saying that he is our sweetest baby thus far. His little spirit, his love of snuggling
*He is a cuddler! He loves to be snuggled and he'll rest his head on your shoulder and stay there for hours
* He's starting coo'ing and I melt like a popsicle on the fourth of July every time I hear him
*He laughed two nights ago! His first laugh. Friday August 4th! Yes he was sleeping but i'm still counting it! 
*He said hi to me yesterday. I swear he did. I leaned over his crib and said "HI!" and he said "hi" back to me
*he loves his brothers, I can already tell he just loves them!I keep getting the impression or feeling that he's just happy to be here! He's so content. yes he has fussy moments and yes they can be exhaustive but the good far outweighs the bad with this sweet boy
*He is so happy, I really do feel like he just wanted to be part of the family so badly. He had to make the jump. He jumped and hoped we would love him as much as he loved us and we are so in love! 
*his sweet newborn smell. nothing better in the world
*His strength. this baby is so strong!! the minute he was born he lifted his head around and took a look at the world (at his dad actually). He does tummy time and doesn't even fuss. 
*His love, he is so full of love and smiles. He already shares love with everyone and we are so lucky to call him our #5
*most nights he gives me 5-6 HOUR STRETCHES (maybe my favorite thing on this list ;) 

Time is going by too quickly!!!! Slow down because my baby won't be a baby forever, they grow so fast!!! 

Friday, August 4, 2017

Send help... and maybe Chris Hemsworth with a dozen donuts

The day has come to begin potty training Samuel. Ugh. He takes his diaper off (all of his clothing actually, he's running around in his birthday suit) constantly and putting it back on him is a straight up nightmare. So far this has been a train wreck. He's incredibly angry. all. the .time. and wants to go to the bathroom every 3 minutes. But not to pee, no, just to throw toilet paper int he toilet or to, you know, take a swim. He lets himself into the bathroom (I'm soooo happy he can open doors on his own now) and proceeds to try and get as much water outside the toilet as possible. 

Sammy, you're killing me. I have a 7 week old that needs me and a  4 year old following me around begging for ice cream and candy (and when I refuse to give it to him he yells "You're so mean!"). Cant you be ok with your diaper for a little longer? 

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

Seize the fat one!

Yesterday was really hard. Not gonna lie. I woke up at two am because I was hot and couldn't go back to sleep afterwards. All day I was tired, Charlie was fussy, and Sammy is teething. Honestly, I thought I'd loose my mind. I was frustrated that I couldn't take them anywhere. While Dany and Sammy are a good age for playing in splash pads or pools, Charlie isn't. I can't take him out in 100 degree heat! 
These are hard days, which is sad because it's when my babies are babies and soo adorable. I could kiss them all day. But that's life I guess. When they finally get to an age where we can run around together and do adventures it'll last like two years, then they'll be teenagers and hate me. uuggghhh why? Why does right now have to feel like a runaway train ride? Why instead couldn't' it be a leisure bike ride? You know, so you can "stop and smell the roses" and enjoy this time because "it goes so fast". I guess you just have to embrace the"Flying umbrella" and learn to let other things go like being well rested, eating a meal without someone pulling on your hair, or you know, your sanity. 

Nice thing is that for every two hours of wanting to pull your hair out you get golden moments. Like when your 4 year old says "Mom I just love you SO MUCH" or when your 20 month old tries to breastfeed his stuffed animal. 

Ah, life is wonderful.

PS Robin Hood and Maid Marian, babes on babes on babes. Why does Disney make their animated animal characters so attractive?!
What we love about the kids rn

The way Danny asks for a Striaffe (pronounced like giraffe but with an s in the front)
Charlie coos and is such a happy baby he smiles all the time!
Sammy signing "all done" is so adorable he's really starting to communicate more!
Danny and Sammy are starting to play together and it makes me so happy

What we didn't love so much... using an entire package of wipes to "clean" our window. smh, parent struggle 

I Spy

On a particularly overwhelming day in Utah I emerged from the basement at my in laws house looking to get a bottle for Sammy and put him down for a nap ASAP. Sammy and Charlie had both drained me for the day and I was SO ready for nap time. When I got to the kitchen I saw Danny and Linda looking through an I Spy book. My heart melted, when did he become old enough to enjoy I Spy? I didn't grow with those books so it was new to me. He looked so grown up and cute I was jealous that it wasn't me playing I Spy with him. I just love Danny so much. He's sweet, kind, intelligent and fun. Anytime he see's someone sitting out of a game or looking lonely at all he'll say "Hi! I'm Danny, come sit next to me". One time at a store he told a girl she looked "Beautiful in her pretty flower dress" heart eyes for days.

While looking through his backpack for school I found his "treasures" a bag of rocks Linda bought him while they were at the cabin, a set of keys, batman action figure and ziplock bag full of nickels and dimes. I thought my heart would explode, I think i've waited my whole life to have a little boy who liked spiderman, the flash, ninja turtles (angry turtles, as he used to call them) and ironman (we're not super keen to superman yet). I'm so lucky to be his mom and I'm trying so hard to be a good mom to him. It's hard having two other babies to take care of but Danny is very patient with me. Thanks Danny, You're the best boy!

Monday, July 17, 2017


The Good, The Bad and The Hideous

I had a growing experience yesterday. My morning was kind of crazy, I was trying to get Danny ready to go to the cabin with the family, wash our clothes, and keep an eye on Sammy (both eyes!). All while juggling a fussy Charlie. It was stressful!  Plus I couldn't find Sammy's orange and white hoodie and it was killing me. I felt like I couldn't move on with my life until I found that thing, I never found it, I still don't know where it is! (update, Linda found it! YAS! Finally)

What I see on my phone when Wyatt calls, cutie.

In the middle of it all Wyatt called, I looked at the phone and screened his call. He called again, again I let it go to voicemail. I was certain that he was calling to tell me something to stress me out. Our lack of money a medical bill, or asking about pediatrician appointments. Whatever it was I didn't want to hear it! I didn't answer any of his calls until after five. I wasn't prepared to talk to him, the straw that would break the camels back would surely be whatever he had to tell me. I wondered if it was sad that I was avoiding talking to my husband because I secretly felt that whenever I talked to him anything he had to say would stress me.

I finally called him and, as I suspected, the phone call was overwhelming and mentally taxing. I tried to get off the phone as fast as possible. Afterwards I sat and cried, finally feeling defeated over the course of the day. our conversation ranged from lack of money to an appointment he had made to shut our baby making factory down forever. It isn't that his reasoning is wrong. It's logical and it makes sense. I've prayed about it and I haven't felt an answer of yes or no. More like a shrug of shoulders... it's up to you type of thing. However, the thought of never giving birth or holding a newborn baby of mine made the tears flow freely. I decided that I would accept that we are closing this chapter in our lives and move on. Be grateful for the babies that we have and our health and move on to the new chapters we have yet to open.

I confessed to my mom that I don't love talking on the phone to Wyatt as of lately because our conversations have been stressful. She shook her head and said "Well, who do you expect him to talk to?". "You don't want him talking to anyone about his stresses but you" "you are his wife". I realized then that what she was saying was true. I don't want him stressing anyone else out. Because that would mean that he has an emotionally intimate relationship with someone who's not me!

We're married, we're a team. We have to face the good, the bad and the ugly together. When I got married people told me how hard marriage was and how much work went into it. I can vouch for every word. But I've been surprised at every turn how easily it is to slack off in a marriage. By avoiding Wyatt's calls and stressful conversations I was failing to be an emotionally supportive spouse. Sometimes it's hard, though, to look at the brutal facts.

 Which brings me to my favorite podcast, the last episode was titled "The Brutal Facts" and it could not have been more relevant to my situation. What Justin had to say really stuck with me...

"Being positive isn't about ignoring the brutal facts, it's about being able to stare them in the face and know you can succeed anyway"

That really resonated with me. So it's time to grow up and look at the brutal facts.

Brutal Fact One: I'm on a tight budget, like really tight.
Brutal Fact Two: I'm not going to be well rested for the next year or so.
Brutal Fact Three: We can't afford a new car.
Brutal Fact Four: Having three kids will absolutely be a challenge!
Brutal Fact Five: I can't have a job. Earlier today I got offered a job, and honestly it made me feel like a million bucks. I've been feeling a little sensitive after someone commented that I've let myself go. ouch. But getting this job offer made me feel excited and valuable. However, after talking it over with Wyatt he said no. Our monthly student loan payment would go up, so unless I was making a substantial amount of money it just isn't worth it. He didn't sound that excited for me either, in fairness I called him at work so He was probably distracted. But all in all it broke my heart.

When I look at the facts though, the brutal facts, it really isn't that bad. If these are the biggest challenges in my life then I will take it! No one has health problems and each one of these has some type of solution.

Brutal Solution One: Learn from our mistakes and adapt to a budget. Also, as I was folding my kids clothes and putting them away. I realized how nice my kids' clothes. Seriously you would never know that we are hurting for money, we have nice things. like, really nice things. I am so grateful to my parents, Wyatt's parents and Wyatt for showering me and my babies with amazing things! Plus we took our family to Disneyland earlier this year, like who can afford to do that? Thank you to my tribe for supporting me!!
Brutal Solution Two: What da do, plenty of people are sleep deprived and I've had some of my most memorable days when I've been sleep deprived. I can run off of 5 hrs of sleep and still win at life! I can still succeed!
Brutal Solution Three: Seat belt extender and two new carseats will make it super manageable. At least I have a car!
Brutal Solution Three: It only lasts a minute. Kids grow so freaking past. Babies turn into toddlers and toddlers turn into little boys. In 5 years I'll jump into a new stage of life when my sweet Charlie goes to Kindergarten (cries all the tears) enjoy it. Enjoy this struggle. Because life will always bring new struggles. Such as retirement/menopause, yikes, my troubles are physically and mentally demanding but relatively simple.
Brutal Solution Five: Focus on what I CAN control. Who knows maybe in the future I'll work and wish I could go back to the days when my babies were little and I didn't have to work. If there's one thing I've learned about being a mom to toddlers is that life can change moment from moment. So instead of thinking in my mind "okay what am I going to do to entertain them next" I just need to enjoy the moment because in the next moment they might be tired and want a nap. Or they might throw a tantrum. Just enjoy the moment, and don't worry about rushing off to the next place.

Here's to facing the brutal facts and knowing you can succeed,


PS. If anyone reads this and decides they'd like to buy me a new car I'm currently crushing on The Honda Odyssey's. A black one.  I know I said I'd never drive a minivan but by golly, I need one. I dream of it! So spacious. ahhhhh! Someday maybe.

PSS. I recently finished watching Castlevania on Netflix and I really liked it. If you have a penchance for anime and can handle gory battle scenes, this show is awesome. Check it out. Mature Viewers only yo.

PSS. Thanks US Government for crushing my dreams with your crazy loan repayment programs. Ya'll so savage, and greedy.

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

Somewhere Only We Know

I had a sweet moment with Charlie out on the deck today. I sat on the porch swing with him and just rocked with him. I tried so hard to take him all in. Babies grow so fast, they change everyday. I know I'm going to miss the moments when he needed me to hold him and snuggle him. I listened to the song "Somewhere only we know" on Youtube because I'm too broke to buy the song, ha. exhausted and poor. It made me want to have that moment with him everyday and I think I will, it'll be my special moment with Charlie. Sitting somewhere only we know.

So far I've had a song special to each one of my kids and I love this one for Charlie. Danny and I used to sing Do Re Mi together (sound of music) before we went to bed. I rediscovered the song Reverie Sound Revue with Sammy.  I remember I used to listen to Reverie Sound Revue before Wyatt came home, trying to hold on!  I also remember that I used to go on walks everyday with Danny and Sammy, trying to kill time. It was sooo stressful for me, I was worried Sammy would fuss or that I'd have to feed him while I was out and about. But on the bright side it was always beautiful weather, cool crips air and watching the sun go down. I saw some of the prettiest skies and sunsets. I also saw birds fly over us, a lot, and somehow they always felt like a reminder of how beautiful my life was...  or if it was a bad day that I would get through it! Memories!

 I'm happy to say I don't worry  about breastfeeding in public anymore with Charlie. I feed him anywhere and anytime. I guess third time is the charm right?

Well, Charlie is still awake and possibly requires a little more effort on my part then just using my foot to rock his crib.



Monday, July 10, 2017

Don't forget!

* Everyday Danny says "Charlie looks born" idk what that means... maybe he's saying that he's been born, finally!

* Sammy says "Thank you", "Mom", "Mama", "Dada", "Nanny (Danny)", "Hello", "Shoe", "Show", "Frie", "Off/On". 

*Sammy is such a mover and shaker!!! I have to watch him 24/7! He jumps the stairs when he gets to the bottom two steps and I'm constantly paranoid he's going to break something. 

*Charlie is the most adorable baby, I'm smitten.

*I'm exhausted! But happy, I have had a lot better post partum experience this baby than I did with last. I'm pretty certain it's because I'm getting so much help!

Saturday, July 8, 2017

Yesterday I almost had a long crying session! While I'm doing really well mentally and emotionally this time around post baby I still have hard days. I have a lot of help, which I am so grateful for, but sometimes when I sit and think about it I get overwhelmed thinking that I now have three little people depending on me. To love them, teach them and take care of them. When I do have these moments I feel like throwing up! Somehow throwing up seems as though it would alleviate the pressure I feel. I've never actually thrown up because of it, but I have that thought every time I'm overwhelmed!

Yesterday I had an emotional break, I decided it would be best to stay back while the rest of the family went to Thomas and Laura's cabin for pizza. I had just been at my parents house with my mom and trying to keep Sammy from touching things he wasn't supposed to and Charlie happy did me in. As I was driving back to my in laws house tears pricked at my eyes thinking about watching an 19 month old at a cabin AND a newborn. I knew that plenty of people would have helped but I didn't want to burden everyone. Holding back tears I called Linda and told her that Sammy, Charlie and I wouldn't be coming to the cabin.

I was parked in front of a beautiful house, seriously it was gorgeous. It was a new build and no one was living in it. I thought it would be the perfect place to have a cry. I tried telling Linda I wasn't coming, but she wasn't having it. She tried to convince me to come saying that everyone was there to help. Thank you Linda. I needed that boost.

I had spoken to Wyatt earlier on the phone and he said that he definitely wouldn't go. He admonished me not to go, that it would be stressful. So I had decided to take his advice, but when I was driving back I thought "Well, Wyatt wouldn't have driven to Boston in the middle of the night either!" (or explored Boston ALL DAY, or track down Benedict throughout the city or spend his birthday in New York with baby on his own with his friends) (you get the idea!). This is me, I'm adventurous, I don't mind struggling with babies somewhere new and exciting (within reason)!

Somewhere along the Menieres Disease and second baby I lost a sense of who I am. I lost my sense of adventure and became afraid of the world. Always afraid to venture out of my house for fear of a migraine. Well no more! I want to be a fun adventurous mom, like Becky! I feel like if I wait around to have fun until my babies are grown I might resent them a little, don't you think?  So from here on out I'm going to take adventures and opportunities when they arise! Do my best with my three boys.

Thank you Linda, for helping convince me to go to the cabin. I am so happy I went and I did receive a lot of help. It took a village :)


Good grief, In case anyone was wondering I am beyond exhausted. I think hands down this is the most tired I've been in the past two weeks. Potentially the nights that sammy wasn't sleeping too rival tonight. I don't even know why I'm so tired! I got a decent amount of sleep last night (decent considering I just had a baby and I have three kids). But wow, I'm so tired.

I went to Target with my mom and all three kids and it was insanely draining!! I think it's safe to say I won't be going to Target with all my kids again anytime soon. Oh well, Like I have the money to blow there anyways!!

Charlie, it's midnight and you still haven't gone to sleep. Sammy I'm worried about checking on you because if you wake up I might loose my mind. Danny, I consider myself the luckiest girl in the world to be your mom! I get to see your smile and enjoy your sweet spirit everyday! I love all my babies, but I'm not going to lie, this is hard!

I write this down so that someday when I'm pinning to have another baby I remember the hard times! Because honestly whenever I have a sweet moment with Charlie I feel like I could have five more babies.  But this is me reminding you how hard and tired you are!!

Friday, July 7, 2017

Remember when it rained

On a particularly rough evening with my kids seeing my in laws and Alex and Maddison come home was like rain after a drought. When Alex and Maddison came through the door they said it was raining. I quickly asked Mads if she'd hold Charlie and I ran outside. I held my arms out and let the rain come down on me. I felt like it was washing away the bad feelings of the day and cleaning me,so I could be a clean slate. It was exactly what I needed. Remember when I couldn't enjoy the rain because of Menieres? I remembered that too, my heart swelled with happiness and gratitude. 

I let the rain wash me clean and decided that from here on out I would enjoy every minute with my babies because someday I'd miss their days of being little and the problems we would face would be more complicated... affording college, school, homework, soccer, piano, problems with friends etc.  For now I'll try to just enjoy the simplicity of just taking care of my little people. It's physically hard, because I'm surviving off of 35 seconds of sleep and holding babies all day. But someday I'll be getting full nights sleep and my babies will be older and won't need (or want) to be held. 

So this is me from here on out trying to enjoy this stage of life so that when this chapter closes I'll know I loved it to the fullest extent. 



Tuesday, July 4, 2017


She was standing like this candidly!!! She wasn't posing! 

God bless America. I am so grateful for those who have laid down their lives so that my babies and I could have a wonderful life in the land we love.  We celebrated fourth of July twice, once with the Anthony's and once with the Almaraz's. As would be expected, we had a blast!

One my way back from my parents house I took a small detour and drove past my old stomping grounds. I always do when I visit UT. I want so desperately for my kids to play on the playground across the street from the Orem Rec Center. Where I used to play. I want to take a walk around the walk way there. I want them to go swimming at the rec center with me. I want them to walk home form "school" with me. A home which isn't my families anymore, sad. Coming back to Utah always brings on the nostalgia, but tonight in particular was special.

As I was driving around there were fireworks going off, it was magical. Danny and Sammy squealed whenever they spotted the colorful explosions. Everytime we saw what we thought was "The best ones" I debated stopping and admiring the view, but ultimately kept driving. I got to my old neighborhood and remembered that the Gallegars always had the best firework show, the best. I didn't think they'd mind if I showed up with my crew. However the road was blocked, construction and a plethora of cars. The literal way to my old neighborhood was shut. It was almost symbolic to me "Stop, there is no going backwards, you must continue forward". So I drove back to my in laws house. Again, seeing fireworks left and right. Danny begged to stop but I thought it best to get to our final destination, where we were supposed to be. It wasn't easy, we saw some pretty amazing ones. Finally we made it and I quickly got everyone out of the car and shuffled my little people to the backyard where I could sit and nurse Charlie without worrying about someone running off to the road.

We never expected our own private showing of Lindon's finest firework show. My in laws have a clearing of trees in their backyard and someone, somewhere, was lighting fireworks so that they were positioned perfectly in that clearing. We sat on the porch and watched them. Danny sat to my left and Sammy to my right. Their little faces, I wish I could have taken a picture. Sammy was so excited he looked at me with an excited smile when he saw one go off as if to say "did you see that ma?!". It was bliss. A spellbinding moment that I would never relive. I tried my best to soak it all in, knowing someday I'd miss seeing their cute baby faces, once they had been replaced by adolescent or adult faces. My babies, I love them.

As I sat watching the fireworks I realized that life had taught me an important lesson. I am right where I need to be.

I struggle to find self worth and purpose after I've had a baby. It hasn't consumed me this time around, but still it lingers on the outskirts of my mind. The doubts that I chose the right road to take, the feelings of failure at living the "best life" and settling for the mundanity of everyday living with babies.

Our firework experience was best enjoyed when we were where we were meant to be. Not trying to live someone else's magic moment. Life had a better one waiting for us, where we wouldn't have to crane our neck to see or take a detour from our course.

Here's to enjoying our own magic moments in life,



PS Tragically both Sammy and Danny's cute 4th of July shirts are stained beyond repair :( breaks my heart. I seriously loved those shirts... glad I got a good picture of them wearing them!