Tuesday, February 9, 2016

I never will be far away


Recently, I have seen so many of my friends lose children it makes my heart ache. I've known people who have lost children growing up, but somehow now being a mother I feel as though I more adequately "mourn with those that mourn". I felt the need to write my thoughts and feelings down. I'm not sure how to go about doing it so I will write a type of "open letter" to friends and family who have lost their babies. (babies being children, I can't imagine ever ceasing to refer to Danny as my baby, even when he's a full grown adult)

I am so sorry for your loss. When I first hear the sad news of your sweet one passing these are the first words that come to mind. There are so many more things I'd like to say but don't think it appropriate or necessary. I'd like to take a minute and tell you about how much I think about you. About how much I think of your baby/babies.  

I can't imagine the type of agony and despair that comes from saying goodbye to your child. Sympathizing with you makes me cry and feel a deep ache in my chest. Whenever I tell my husband this he replies "I don't like to think about it or imagine it" which is what any normal person would say and do. But as a mother, woman and friend, i do, think about it. The whole "mourn with those that mourn" kicks in here. I think I'm beginning to understand it.

I would find it difficult to open my eyes in the morning knowing I won't see my babies face. I would feel a deep sorrow at night knowing I won't tuck them into bed or negotiate how many books to read before we kiss goodnight. 

At graduations I would wonder what my child would look like graduating, what their first date would have been like. As the years pass I would wonder how happy they would be when they found love and what he or she would look like on their wedding day. I would imagine what they would look like with a baby of their own. At times I might scan a crowd looking for their face hoping this was all a terrible nightmare. 

I am so sorry. 

I think of you, a lot. Sometimes I think of you when I look at the sunset. I think of you when I rock my baby. I think of you when I do my kids laundry and when I wash dishes. I want you to know that I haven't forgotten about you or your baby. I think of you both. I remember the pictures you shared of them. 

Because I remember, I love deeper. I play more, rock longer. I give more kisses and more hugs. I care less and less about fads and more about being the most loving mother I can possibly be. When exhaustion and frustration kicks in I remember you. I take a deep breath to collect myself and appreciate the frustration for what it is. A blessing. 

I love you. I love you and your baby. 

I look forward to the day when I can see you and your baby reunited again. I won't say anything, I won't even wave. But I will smile knowing you have been made whole again and will share in your happiness. 

I am so sorry for your loss and want you to know I think of you and your sweet baby. 

-Cindy

Ps. Todays post title was brought to you by Billy Joel's "Lullaby"



* A note about the picture- Back in December I was racing to get home. I had two crying kids in the back and I was stressed and exhausted. Danny kept saying "mama orange!" "mama look!" "mama orange!" I kept passively saying "yeah orange" "cool Danny". He wouldn't let this "orange" thing go. At a stop light I finally looked back at him and said "WHAT?". He pointed beyond me to the front of the car and said "Cloud". When I turned around I saw one of the most spectacular sunsets I have ever witnessed. I had been too busy racing home and fighting traffic to notice it. My son was so excited about the sunset he wanted to share it with me but I wouldn't give him the time of day. I don't think I need to tell you that this was one of the moments when you realize you need to stop and smell the roses. Thank you Danny, you are a remarkable little boy.  

2 comments:

  1. Cindy, I have a similar reaction though I am not yet a mother. My heart aches for them and I am grateful at the same time that it causes me to pause and reflect on how I value my time to love and cherish what & who I have.

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    1. I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one. We should always spend our time doing what's most important, loving our loved ones! But sometimes other things seem more important. Part of my new years goal is to keep priorities in line! Also, we still need to meet up!

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