Saturday, October 3, 2015

Lo que se espera con paciencia se logra

I do not own this picture. You can buy this print here
I have been feeling incredibly overwhelmed as of lately. There isn't enough time in the day for me to get done everything that needs to. It's getting stressful. Even if there was enough time in the day I wouldn't have the energy to accomplish it all. I'll set out to accomplish something then midway through my task I have to sit down and I usually stay sitting down. I'm balancing so many different things I'm letting some of the most important ones slip through my fingers. I looked into Real Estate about six weeks ago. I had no idea that it would lead to my life spinning out of control. The classes took a lot of time, studying took time, the tests were crazy long. I never had time to clean or cook. Not only that but I began starting to grow an instagram account around the same time. I don't really know why I started it but once I was started with it I thought it would be an excellent way for me to create on online presence specifically for real estate. I'm still not sure how I'll merge the two.

Now let me be clear, everything that is "overwhelming" me is a good thing. they are all blessings and opportunities. I think the major thing is time management. If I can learn how to manage my time better I won't be as stressed all the time and my home won't be falling apart. I have never been good with my time and it's apparent in my permanently being late. Which I'd like to fix.  A few nights ago, I made dinner and was so proud because I made fajitas and they actually tasted really good!


My Fajitas were good, but my lemonade was a major fail. There was something about that that just crushed me. It's like I do well in one area but everything else never pans out. The house was a mess, laundry hadn't been done, kitchen looked like a large animal suffered a seizure in it .We ate our dinner in mostly silence, I was exhausted. While sitting at dinner I realized, to my extreme dismay and annoyance, that i had doubled booked myself. I had planned an interview with a broker the same time I was supposed to be waiting around at home for a plumber to fix our leaky faucet. I obviously wanted to keep the broker interview, I'm anxious to get this process over with. Wyatt on the other hand said I should have to reschedule with the broker. Some heated words were exchanged when I finally exploded and said "Look! I have a lot on my plate right now and some things around here are going to suffer!" without skipping a beat Wyatt said something along the lines of the household falling apart. He then went upstairs and went to sleep, amid a pile of laundry crying out to be sorted into it's respectable drawers.  I felt dejected and frustrated. These past six weeks have busy and overwhelming. I haven't been paying attention to Danny like I used to because I'm either studying, calling brokers, blogging or trying to grow my instagram. It frustrates me to no extent that I can't seem to manage my time better. I don't want him to look back on his childhood and remember me being constantly on the phone. I feel like I'm neglecting my most important roles in life to pursue others. While the future is exciting I also feel that unless I learn to see my priorities clearly I could loose out on a lot of fun experiences and memories.

I'm not sure if it's the pregnancy or everything else I have going on but at the end of the day I am completely drained. I can say that my last pregnancy was way more chill. But that's okay, I'm grateful that I have the opportunity to do real estate and that I've been trying to grow in other areas too. I'm happy I get the opportunity to do so. It's just our household has suffered in the meantime and it makes me feel so very very guilty.


One of the other things I've been frustrated about is this whole process is just the responsibilities that get added to ones already waiting to get fulfilled. This week, for example, I've had to go out to several interviews to find a broker. Once again these are all good things. But every time I go out on an interview the pressure is on me to find a babysitter or a friend to watch Danny. It's not like there aren't people I can ask, there are. But nobody likes asking people to watch there kid all the time, well some people do, they tacky. When Wyatt went out for interviews or when he studied or when he goes to work I take care of everything else so he can focus on just that. I have to split my focus. It seemed one-sided and unfair. Like when I had to take my test, 4.5 hrs long,  I was so frustrated that I had to find someone to watch Danny for that long. When I expressed my frustration to Wyatt he said "oh you'll figure something out" staring another heated debate. I wanted him to stay home with Danny, take a half day. Obviously he couldn't and financially it didn't make sense for him to. But I had to take no the task of Danny's wellbeing while I was gone. Wondering if Danny was okay was always on the back of my mind while taking my test. so stressful.  Everything ended up working out and when I passed I wanted to cry tears of relief. I really felt like the Lord was helping me along.


I want to stress the fact that Wyatt has been picking up a lot of the slack around the home. He takes care of Danny at night so I can sleep, he cleans the kitchen, all the time, and he regularly does laundry. So we have both been drained and a little frustrated or stressed out for a few weeks. Last weekend the first weekend in a while where we went out and had a good time. I've been gone for the past four of five weekends so it was nice to be together and to not have to be studying or going to class. While we were driving Wyatt commented that it felt good to get out and do something and to spend time with me. He guessed that a lack of spending time together and going out had put him in a funk and he was just grumpy about it.

The future is bright and there is so much opportunity coming our way but unless I learn to balance my life better it will be my babies that suffer for it! They are my first priority. I will obviously have to set aside a few hours of the day where I focus on other things that aren't family. Because of this I will have less quantity time with them, I need to make up for it by making sure that the time I have with them is quality time.

In the movie Titanic when the boat starts flooding you watch as gigantic emergency doors are shut in every compartment of the boat. They were designed to keep the water to just one area of the boat in the event of the flood. Now I'm not exactly sure that them failing was the ultimate reason that the titanic was lost to the atlantic ocean. But I'm sure that if the doors weren't working properly it would ultimately lead to sinking. I once read a self help book that talked about compartmentalizing your life so you wouldn't let one area flood into another. Wyatt is excellent at doing this. I on the other hand am a hot mess. But in order to be successful I need to make sure my compartments are air tight. When I'm with Danny/ Sammy I need to be all the way with them. Not checking my phone, not wondering about a listing, not thinking of things that need to be done. When I'm working on real estate I can't be falling apart over something that happened at church, at the grocery store, or worrying about the future or living in the past.Currently my compartments are all flooding into one another and my ship is sinking rapidly.




I have a few ideas that I'd like to implement into daily living that I think will help me stay afloat. But I have to make a decision to change my entire life order. From free to do whatever whenever to strict observance of schedules and routines. which have never been me! But I have so much at my finger tips I only need decide that I'm ready for it. I really want to work out in the mornings, I want to read a chapter of my book at night, I want to do some yoga at night to help the awful nerve pain in my leg. I want time to just enjoy myself, I want to keep my house clean and cook regular meals. It sounds like a lot but I swear if I can manage my time, I can do it.

A few weeks ago when I was on my phone when I looked up to see a neglected little face. He had a small smile and gently asked "get me?". It kind of broke my heart. He won't be little like this forever and It will be a sad day when I want him to talk to me or to interact with me and he's to busy with whatever he has going on. I have no doubt that I will regret not giving my full attention.

I am being dead serious when I say I am too tired to run around with him. I really rally am so exhausted. I need to find a different way to play with him because heaven knows when this next baby comes things are going to get from busy to hectic. At that point my ship will have hit rock bottom unless I've learned to control my emergency doors and not let the flooding of one area of my life affect the other.


I learned that an easy activity I can do where I'm forced to focus my attention on Danny is baking or cooking with him. He loves it and I'm forced to keep my focus on him. Sad that I should even have to be forced, but there are so many things running through my head I don't even know what to do with them! Let's home I can get my act together. 

xoxo,
Cindita

PS. Today's post title was brought to you by one of my favorite songs. "Bachata en Fokuoka" I love the lyrics, the feel and melody of the song. In case you don't understand spanish the title said "That which you wait for with patience is accomplished". I will need patience and discipline to get to where my goals lie. 



4 comments:

  1. I remember when I was about your age with small children at home, having the feeling of guilt because I felt I was not living up to what my idea (maybe my mom's idea, or my sisters idea, or my friends idea) of what perfection was. Now it's even more difficult because we have social networking, the media, television and magazines showing us a vision of what their idea of perfection is! How to decide? Everyone elses view point (and what they are selling) looks so good!

    Now, 20 years later, I am living proof that all that stress, all the frustration and tension I surrounded myself with and caused members of my family to feel, was for naught! Everyone turned out great (even without 24/7 attention) and the earth didn't quit revolving because my house wasn't perfectly clean and organized.

    If I can offer one piece of advise to mothers out there who are your age it would be that the guilt you feel isn't worth it! You're doing the best that you can, one day at a time, one minute at a time. Ask your husbands! I bet they would answer they think the job you are doing is GREAT! Ask your mothers! Every one of them will tell you that you're doing better than they did. Everyone is winging it!!

    Fogive yourselves and love yourselves, tell yourselves you are awesome and believe it! If you must, carve out one hour just for yourself and after you chill and reclaim some of your sanity, get back in there and do what you do best!! Being a mom!! It's the most important task any woman can take on!!

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    1. Deidre thank you for your sweet words. It helps so much to know that someday I will feel silly about all the guilt I wallow in on a daily basis. Social media definitely makes the guilt I carry that much heavier. I want so badly to raise my children and have no regrets about whether I spent enough time with them or whether they felt my love. It's just so hard when I feel like I'm spinning so many plates.
      I am strengthened and inspired by your words, thank you so so much for replying. I will treasure your advice and ease up on the guilt. Heaven knows I'm riddled with it.
      xoxo
      Cindy
      Ps. Can't wait to hear about what yummy food you ate!

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  2. Hey Cindy! I have had this post open on my computer for a few days and by now I forget what I was going to respond! But a few thoughts that I have now... my dear your feelings of being overwhelmed - I think that's a very very common motherhood feeling. I've been there, at least! I feel like I'm pretty much always operating at maximum capacity, whether it is with how many children I have, what stages they're in, what callings/jobs we have going on. Feeling stretched is something that happens in my life more often than not.
    My other thought is that you will learn for yourself at each stage what things you add to your life are worth it and which cost too much. That will be different for each woman and will change over time, but I've learned that although I could do anything I want to do, I can't do everything that I want to do.... at least not at the same time or not to the level that I'd like to. Pick which roles/jobs/goals are most important to you and make sure you give yourself the time and energy and resources to do those things well. Then as opportunities come you can go from there. And sometimes it takes trial and error. I've committed to do things and then realized during/after that it kept me too busy to serve and connect in the ways that I value. So the next time around I did things differently. Anyway, my point is there are SO many wonderful things you can do as a woman, and it's an exciting and challenging thing to figure out what the best plan for yourself is as you go through life. These are my rambling thoughts.
    You are awesome, my friend! CT misses you!
    Love,
    Sarah

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    1. Sarah, wow, it's been over month that you posted this and I never read it. Wish I would have earlier. would have saved me a lot of unnecessary guilt and worrying! It's funny that you mention what things are worth it and what things cost to much. I have since come to learn that exact lesson. Now that I have my second baby I don't want to do anything that isn't focused on my kids! That is, I don't want to have so much on my plate where I can't just enjoy their company. I hate waking up in the morning and having more things on the agenda than just getting through the day with my two kids.
      I think of you often and miss you. CT seems like another lifetime, it's crazy I was there just a few months ago!

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