Monday, April 6, 2015

Mahana you ugly!

Surprisingly not a long time has past since I last updated you on my boring life. However I feel like a lot has happened. I have a lot to say so I'm not exactly sure where it will all end up and in what order. In the end it might not even seem like a lot *shrugs shoulders* for this reason were you created.
Last week I had the migraine to end all migraines. I have had migraines before, believe me I have. This one was so different though. This was the worst migraine I have ever had, and I will explain why. 
1. It was the first time I had a migraine and had to take care of another human being! After what I'm sure was God answering my prayer Danny finally fell asleep for what seemed to be five hours. 
2. Unmedicated, I have had migraines but In the past I take excedrin then drift away into a much needed nap, three hours later I wake up and the worst is over. THAT did not happen. I was awake and suffering through all of it. I felt like there was something trying to physically break through my skull (inside out) like a violent animal clawing it's way to freedom. Horrific. I cried and cried, it was a very long four hours. I occasionally talked to my mom and told her through tears how unbearable the pain was. Do I sound like I'm being dramatic? good. Because it was drama, it was the worst pain I had ever felt. That's right the worst pain I had ever felt. What I felt went way above and beyond the limits of childbirth (or post partum). I wished I was in labor over feeling what I did. Finally after what seemed like an eternity the worst past and I stopped crying. Conveinetly timed Wyatt came home around the same time. I couldn't help but feel resentment that he came home as my pain was residing, when he was not available when I wished I would die.
After my stroll through hell we went to Brian and Christains house for dinner and "decorating easter eggs", we didn't really decorate them. Thank heavens, I really don't like decorating easter eggs. It makes a mess. But the Danny and Conner played and played, so mission accomplished! 
Our friday was spent with all day cleaning. as in all day. We must have worked for eight hours straight, washing, tiding and folding. I realized that I never again wanted my house to get to that point, so I decided then and there that I would try harder. When I was having my terrible migraine I contemplated calling emergency services, then was embarrassed at the thought of them seeing my messy house, trash everywhere and dishes littering the counter. While I'm sure they've seen worse, it would have been nice to avoid that. So i didn't. 
My sweet friend Tiffany sent over some slushes and an ice cream cake (which heartbreakingly I couldn't eat), because I expressed to her my craving of a slushee. We went out grocery shopping (stew leopards again, and I believe it is overrated! Glad I got it out of my system though!)
I have to touch on the wednesday before and how Danny played for nearly two hours at the park with other kids. This was Katie's meet up group. The ones she had spoken about and the ones that had come to Ali's birthday party. They were so incredibly kind to me and they seemed to be genuine friends of Katie, they knew what was going on in her life and they reached out with sympathy and love.  I asked Katie how she came across them and she simply replied that when she was living here in the summer and had no friends she reached out to this group and made instant connections. Here's the embarrassing part; I had met them. At her daughters party. But I was to pre-occupied with who knows what to talk and get to know these wonderful women. I am usually the nice warm and talkative one, but they had no memories of me. They did of course remember Sarah Wilkinson, because she is like that, warm, friendly and genuinely kind.
Sunday we watched General Conference and I fell asleep through a lot of it! When I was awake for the next session there were so many distractions (Daniel, neighbors, Wyatt) I was so frustrated! I wanted to have the perfect experience to make up for my sleeping through the last. Then it dawned on me that the Lord wouldn't brushed Danny (or neighbors, or wyatt) aside, even during conference, he would sit patiently and listen to toddler stories and validate feelings about them.  I realized then at that moment that maybe conference when you're a parent isn't about sitting quietly and listening uninterruptedly to all of conference but trying to and then going back and reading the talks or listening to them when you are more able to.  We listen to one talk tonight as "scripture time" and it was a wonderful talk, I appreciated being fully awake and able to listen to it (thanks Wyatt)
Today I went to the park with Danny, after having a pretty successful day. 
While I was there I heard some plans being made for a party that I was not invited to, and quite literally they were being made in front of me. I can't say that I was incredibly surprised at my brush off of an invitation, I was hurt though. More than I wish to admit, later on tears filled my eyes as I tried to tell myself that it wasn't worth crying over. But it hurt so much not to be included. It hurt to be back at that familiar state of being on the outside. Junior high, high school, college, work and now CT had all had me on the outside looking in. I realized with some bitterness that I would never be the pretty popular girl everybody flocks to. I have always been the bubbly girl everybody is friendly with but because I put forth the effort. For what seemed to be the millionth time I wished that I could be the pretty girl that people made plans with, not the other way around. It stung, I slowly got over it. Again I thought with bitterness how this doesn't happen to the pretty popular girls that seem to glide through life, but, then I realized they have their trials too. A lot of which I would not want for myself.
As Wyatt and I watched Johnny Lingo, I wondered why I could not be one of these people that others flock to. Inherently I think people are attracted to money, and fancy clothes. But, what really keeps you around is charisma. Which I have in spades. I need only have confidence. Why then could I not be an 8 cow woman too? I think what holds me up about this concept is that "We're all special we're all Gods Children" which I have always firmly believed. However, there are some that have that sparkle to their eyes that others don't. I'm determined to have that. I'm determined to be an 8 cow woman. In my next home instead of begging and chasing after women to be my friends, I will simply let them come to me. I am an 8 cow woman, I am kind and I am funny and I (try to be) am intelligent. I reach out to strangers like almost no one I know. I am always wiling to offer a smile and I want to be your best friend. that is my sparkle, that is why I'm an 8 cow woman. I think I'll tell myself that in morning in the mirror. I think if I Improve my self esteem I will be abetter wife, mother and neighbor. So I will try. I know this sounds soooo corny, but isn't this how successful people work? 

speaking of trying. I think the baby in my tummy needs more love. With Danny we were so excited about him, even early on in the pregnancy we talked about how excited we were at his arrival and all the dreams we had for him. This kid needs that. We have been so busy with graduation, moving, and being sick we just haven't given this baby the true love and praise it needs. It is a miracle and we are lucky to have it. complacency and ungratefulness really should have no space here. We're having a baby! We need to welcome it with excitement and anticipation!

well geez that's all


PS Johnny Lingo's father in law brought you the quote ;)

No comments:

Post a Comment