Friday, March 27, 2015

So this is love

Let me start off by saying that everything I spill onto this blog is usually things I've been thinking about for some time. On few occasions they are not well thought out posts and are more like word vomit. This post is the former.
Have I told you how much I love my family? I'm not sure I have. I complain a lot on the blog because I find it therapeutic. Other times I work out my feelings on here to better understand them. But I think I need to write down how incredibly blessed I am to have my family.
Danny is literally the sunshine of my life. of course he is a pain the rear sometimes, but he is so incredibly sweet I could not imagine my life without him. I've been worried about his sensitivity and his less than adventurous nature. But I realized, those things will probably come with age. I also had a feeling that the next baby on the way will be more active and maybe teach danny to take some risks. Maybe I'm completely wrong, but that's just a feeling. Back to my worrying about his sensitivity, I have been so caught up about worrying if he'll ever stand up for himself or stop allowing people to push him around that I haven't stopped to appreciate his sweet demeanor. He is incredibly sweet and every morning he wakes up he wants to cuddle and play with both Wyatt and I. He seems to be under the impression that we're cool. We're really not. But thanks Daniel. He's my little buddy, all day everyday. Sometimes that can be overwhelming but even when we put him down for the night I miss him when I'm sleeping. When my ears are doing bad (such as today) I like having him in bed with me when I go to sleep. I find that wrapping my arms around him and listening to his soft breathing brings me peace. If I ever feel a panic attack coming on because of my ears I try to match his breathing and hold him close. He saw me sitting on the couch the other day and I was freezing. He brought over his sweater so I could put it over my legs. How sweet is that? My wrist was hurting so he "massaged" it. To think that I was worried about somehow changing him is bananas! He's already perfect. Granted I do want to teach him to stand up for himself and I think that will come with example. I will look out for him more than for other kids. I realize that's where this problem started in the first place! He used to be a hitter and I was deathly worried that if he hit kids and didn't let them play with his toys they wouldn't want to play with him. So I made him be a pushover so kids would like him. I was making him out to be what I hated in myself! I want him to be happy, independent of whether or not other kids will like it. I want him to speak up if something that's being done for him isn't fair. Not passively be angry about it. I love my son more than I can adequately put into words, and I want him to be happy. It's hard to image in that someday he'll walk out of the house and he won't come back for a bit (mission) (college) (marriage). But I'lll always remember him walking into my arms when he was taking his first steps. I'll remember his chubby little hands on my cheeks and his laugh's. I love him so much and I can't believe I was given the incredibly honor of being his mother. He doesn't care about my faults. He doesn't care that somedays (like today) all we do is sit and watch TV because I feel like garbage. He doesn't care if the house is a mess, he simply steps over the bits of trash. He smiles and giggles all the same. He probably does care how much time I spend on the internet or with my attention divided. I've caught the sad vacant looks he gives me while I'm on the phone. Or the one's I see him giving Wyatt when he's on his phone. I see the look in his eyes when he watches us on our phones and wishes we'd play with him. It breaks my heart. He never holds it agains't us though. The next day he wakes up and asks for his "Lechee" and the rest of the day is spent being our best friend. Being excited to see us and wanting our approval and praise! He holds my heart and I wish I was a better mom.
Wyatt, what a champion. He has been my best friend, my support, my number one fan, my partner in gossiping, my lover and my companion. He is intelligent, kind, patient and supportive. I have always been blessed in that. He cried with me when we thought my ears were at there worst and he rejoiced when the tests came back normal. He always tells me it's okay when I freak out over my ears. He tells me it's okay I don't keep the house clean, when I don't make dinner. It's all fine. He doesn't mind. The other day, wednesday, he got off work early and he said he would come pick Danny and I up from the gym. We had walked there that morning because I figured that Danny had to get out of the house. Which he totally did, he loved the daycare. Anyways, I wasn't exactly looking forward to walking back from the gym and I was desperately hungry. I got a phone call from wyatt saying that he got off work and could swing by and pick us up in ten minutes! I got so excited! I told him he had to pick Danny up from the daycare because he'd be so excited to see him. I sat at the shake bar waiting for Wyatt to come, slightly worried the daycare workers would wonder where I was. It was close to noon. I saw him in the crowd as he was opening the glass door and the best way I can describe my emotions seeing him is stupid excitement. I was so happy and excited my heart actually leapt! How does that even happen after nearly six years of marriage? As he got in I went to hold his hand and was beaming with pride at my trophy husband! As we walked to the Daycare I thought to myself "So this is love". We went to chic-fil-a and then Stew leondards afterwards. It was a wonderful day and I think Daniel really enjoyed himself, which makes me happy.
It's days like today that I hang on to when I have days like today. My ears are very bad, I'm nauseated and depressed. I can't stand my ear problem. It leaves me drained and sad. I still have a small panic attack every time I go to bed, because I don't know how i'll wake up the next day. It scares me more than anything. I put off sleeping as long as I can because it makes me inexplicably sad. It's scary, it's lonely and it's uncertain. Thought I think I should really go to sleep earlier. I think that would help my condition. There was one night in particular where I had a full blown panic attack and Wyatt held my hands as I fell asleep. I wish I could say I have conquered those feelings but I really haven't. It still has it's grip on me. But I'm so happy it's me and not Danny.
Today Danny and I spent all day, literally all day, watching TV and when I felt sick or depressed, he'd run up and smile and laugh. Even though we spent all day sitting around. He was happy, he smiled, he clapped he roared and lifted my spirits, when I didn't realize how low they were. Whatever I have is pretty bummer but my family helps me through it and I consider myself one of the luckiest people because of it.


PS. Today's post title was brought to you by the movie Cinderella and the song that Cinderella sings when dancing with prince charming. My feelings for Danny and Wyatt have really made me think "so this is love?"

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