Friday, March 27, 2015

So this is love

Let me start off by saying that everything I spill onto this blog is usually things I've been thinking about for some time. On few occasions they are not well thought out posts and are more like word vomit. This post is the former.
Have I told you how much I love my family? I'm not sure I have. I complain a lot on the blog because I find it therapeutic. Other times I work out my feelings on here to better understand them. But I think I need to write down how incredibly blessed I am to have my family.
Danny is literally the sunshine of my life. of course he is a pain the rear sometimes, but he is so incredibly sweet I could not imagine my life without him. I've been worried about his sensitivity and his less than adventurous nature. But I realized, those things will probably come with age. I also had a feeling that the next baby on the way will be more active and maybe teach danny to take some risks. Maybe I'm completely wrong, but that's just a feeling. Back to my worrying about his sensitivity, I have been so caught up about worrying if he'll ever stand up for himself or stop allowing people to push him around that I haven't stopped to appreciate his sweet demeanor. He is incredibly sweet and every morning he wakes up he wants to cuddle and play with both Wyatt and I. He seems to be under the impression that we're cool. We're really not. But thanks Daniel. He's my little buddy, all day everyday. Sometimes that can be overwhelming but even when we put him down for the night I miss him when I'm sleeping. When my ears are doing bad (such as today) I like having him in bed with me when I go to sleep. I find that wrapping my arms around him and listening to his soft breathing brings me peace. If I ever feel a panic attack coming on because of my ears I try to match his breathing and hold him close. He saw me sitting on the couch the other day and I was freezing. He brought over his sweater so I could put it over my legs. How sweet is that? My wrist was hurting so he "massaged" it. To think that I was worried about somehow changing him is bananas! He's already perfect. Granted I do want to teach him to stand up for himself and I think that will come with example. I will look out for him more than for other kids. I realize that's where this problem started in the first place! He used to be a hitter and I was deathly worried that if he hit kids and didn't let them play with his toys they wouldn't want to play with him. So I made him be a pushover so kids would like him. I was making him out to be what I hated in myself! I want him to be happy, independent of whether or not other kids will like it. I want him to speak up if something that's being done for him isn't fair. Not passively be angry about it. I love my son more than I can adequately put into words, and I want him to be happy. It's hard to image in that someday he'll walk out of the house and he won't come back for a bit (mission) (college) (marriage). But I'lll always remember him walking into my arms when he was taking his first steps. I'll remember his chubby little hands on my cheeks and his laugh's. I love him so much and I can't believe I was given the incredibly honor of being his mother. He doesn't care about my faults. He doesn't care that somedays (like today) all we do is sit and watch TV because I feel like garbage. He doesn't care if the house is a mess, he simply steps over the bits of trash. He smiles and giggles all the same. He probably does care how much time I spend on the internet or with my attention divided. I've caught the sad vacant looks he gives me while I'm on the phone. Or the one's I see him giving Wyatt when he's on his phone. I see the look in his eyes when he watches us on our phones and wishes we'd play with him. It breaks my heart. He never holds it agains't us though. The next day he wakes up and asks for his "Lechee" and the rest of the day is spent being our best friend. Being excited to see us and wanting our approval and praise! He holds my heart and I wish I was a better mom.
Wyatt, what a champion. He has been my best friend, my support, my number one fan, my partner in gossiping, my lover and my companion. He is intelligent, kind, patient and supportive. I have always been blessed in that. He cried with me when we thought my ears were at there worst and he rejoiced when the tests came back normal. He always tells me it's okay when I freak out over my ears. He tells me it's okay I don't keep the house clean, when I don't make dinner. It's all fine. He doesn't mind. The other day, wednesday, he got off work early and he said he would come pick Danny and I up from the gym. We had walked there that morning because I figured that Danny had to get out of the house. Which he totally did, he loved the daycare. Anyways, I wasn't exactly looking forward to walking back from the gym and I was desperately hungry. I got a phone call from wyatt saying that he got off work and could swing by and pick us up in ten minutes! I got so excited! I told him he had to pick Danny up from the daycare because he'd be so excited to see him. I sat at the shake bar waiting for Wyatt to come, slightly worried the daycare workers would wonder where I was. It was close to noon. I saw him in the crowd as he was opening the glass door and the best way I can describe my emotions seeing him is stupid excitement. I was so happy and excited my heart actually leapt! How does that even happen after nearly six years of marriage? As he got in I went to hold his hand and was beaming with pride at my trophy husband! As we walked to the Daycare I thought to myself "So this is love". We went to chic-fil-a and then Stew leondards afterwards. It was a wonderful day and I think Daniel really enjoyed himself, which makes me happy.
It's days like today that I hang on to when I have days like today. My ears are very bad, I'm nauseated and depressed. I can't stand my ear problem. It leaves me drained and sad. I still have a small panic attack every time I go to bed, because I don't know how i'll wake up the next day. It scares me more than anything. I put off sleeping as long as I can because it makes me inexplicably sad. It's scary, it's lonely and it's uncertain. Thought I think I should really go to sleep earlier. I think that would help my condition. There was one night in particular where I had a full blown panic attack and Wyatt held my hands as I fell asleep. I wish I could say I have conquered those feelings but I really haven't. It still has it's grip on me. But I'm so happy it's me and not Danny.
Today Danny and I spent all day, literally all day, watching TV and when I felt sick or depressed, he'd run up and smile and laugh. Even though we spent all day sitting around. He was happy, he smiled, he clapped he roared and lifted my spirits, when I didn't realize how low they were. Whatever I have is pretty bummer but my family helps me through it and I consider myself one of the luckiest people because of it.


PS. Today's post title was brought to you by the movie Cinderella and the song that Cinderella sings when dancing with prince charming. My feelings for Danny and Wyatt have really made me think "so this is love?"

Monday, March 23, 2015

I'm hungry!

I'm happy to report that I'm doing a lot better today physically than I was last time I talked to you. I haven't been as nauseated as I was last week. (knock on wood, I literally knocked on wood) I have a persistent ringing on my left ear, but at least it's nothing like the buzzing of misery....... so I'm happy about that.
Danny got to play with some friends today so he didn't seem quite as miserable being stuck at home all day. Though it kills me to see him being so friendly and outgoing but yet children don't return his warmness. I desperately hope that he finds someone who will appreciate him for the incredible friend that he is someday. I sometimes worried he'll get picked on in elementary school... kids are so mean.
I saw Becca, Sarah and Sarah today. they are all such great women and very different!
We finally figured out how we were going to get me to Arizona, I'm flying to Las Vegas the May 10th and my dad is picking me up. I'll spend a few days in St. George helping my mom with the twins and Annika then the 15th my dad will drive me to Arizona. Currently, I still can't stand the thought of flying. It sickens me, it makes me physically ill! But I should hope that when d-day comes around I'll feel better about the whole thing, it's SIX HOURS,  but I won't dwell on that.
I have to mention that I went to zumba today, you know the sessi one, and it was super annoying! It started out irritating because a lady cut me in line! The line that I had gotten there early to wait in! What the heck?! I thought we all learned in elementary school not to cut lines. Maybe she failed that grade, maybe she doesn't care. At the end of the day I figured whatever, she probably won't even stand in front of me or near me, and she didn't.  So check that's fine. Then we get pick our spot on the floors, still everything is fine. Then it happens, out of nowhere a silly woman (probably american) (get it, finding nemo? :) stands smack in front of me! I'll draw a diagram below so you'll understand....

0   0   0   0
       0  <------ WHAR ARE YOU DOING?
   0   0   0
        ^ this poor soul is me.

Honestly, the nerve of some Zumba devotees. You'd think that they would understand that everyone stands in a window, so to speak,  so you can see the instructor.  Anyways, she stood there because her friends were in the row ahead of me (she got there 10 minutes late!). You see this is part of my aversion to Zumba. she actually had the nerve to try and push us back because we were in her groove space. she stood right in front of me! not ok! But I stopped to think about her. She probably works full time and a part time on the side  and this is one of her only pleasures in life. A chance to dance, see her friends, and watch herself in the mirror to feel good about herself. For this reason I don't usually take zumba classes (and I get a better workout doing my own thing). But this class is one of a kind, I promise you. I'm fairly certain some of the moves done there should not be done in public with the lights on! 
Danny's been really sweet. Though we've been stuck indoors somedays it's so sweet. I love spending time with him! he's my best friend and it makes me terribly sad to think that one day I'll turn around and my baby won't be a baby anymore! don't grow up! He is trying to learn his letters and numbers, he has long shaggy hair and his favorite words remain being apati, got it, and lechee. though, he's started to say pobu, (porfavor) and sha sha (gracias). He's my sweetheart and my love.


PS. Post title brought to you by Alan Turing from the movie The Imitation game!

Friday, March 20, 2015


 I think it is high time for a car. for sure. It's also time for some nicer weather. like what is this? It's sunny outside but you actually go outside and it's freezing. "Arizona will be awesome" uhm no it won't be, I'll get there in May then comes JUNE AND JULY. scorching heat, so aint nobody gonna be playing outside. We'll be stuck inside. Also, I've got to learn to drink more water. Arizona is going to eat me alive if I don't. I'll have migraines everyday for sure. I'm SO BEYOND read for those to end.... I'm on the fence about moving to Arizona... will it be nice? Or will I be miserable?

On the bright side I have Wy, he really is stellar. Did I tell you he let me watch Cinderella? no? Well he did! He watched Danny for over two hours so I could sit through the movie! It made me a little sad because I knew he wanted to watch it too. But it was magical! Also, I'm not sure if I ever told you about how tired I was? How I felt that I was always taking care of Danny and I never got a break? Well when we flew out to AZ to find somewhere to live Wyatt took over dead guy duty and I got a mini vacation from my Daniel responsibilities. I got a little bit of time to recharge, which was a huge necessity because our journey home was unbearable. I'm sure you remember how horrific our ordeal was....(stuck at the phoenix airport for twenty hours) (flights getting canceled left and right)  but I do have to touch on how terrible the plane right from columbus to jfk was. I feel sick just writing about it. I swear to you I have never felt sicker. My head was pounding, my ears were plugged and I was so incredibly nauseated, but I couldn't vomit!!! I wished that I could so I could leave my mark on US airlines... I hate them. All I could do was cry and hope that the flight went by quickly. It did, thankfully and we were able to get in our car and make our way home. As soon as we got home I crashed! I took a nap and Wyatt essentially unpacked and did laundry. He's a gem.

We found a place to live btw. A house that has yet to be built. well, it's currently in construction. It's supposed to be done by mid april... we shall see...! I hope it is, because we won't have anywhere to live otherwise.

Danny has been a champ!!! Quite literally the day after I wrote the last post he successfully learned to used the potty! It really just took him one day! Looking back I feel horrible about how frustrated I got with him whenever he'd have an accident. There was one moment in particular where I told him "No! no pee pee on the carpet!!! no no no! Bad!" and his face just crumbled and he cried and cried. *shudder* sometimes motherhood has these moments that your kids probably won't remember but they will definitely haunt you.  I feel bad that he wants to get out of the house as bad as I do... possibly more than I do! He's learning so much! He can repeat words pretty well and he tries to catch on to words, colors and shapes. I should really take more advantage of that but I feel like I've been treading water for the past five months. Is that a thing? to feel like you're barely swimming for that long? It has been an incredibly long six months. Mainly because of my ears.

On the topic of my ears I feel like I should add that I haven't had that terrible roaring noise in my ear for a little while. Sometimes when I go to the bathroom I hear the ringing in my ears. But maybe that's permanent? They've been kind of stuffy since we got back. But at least the unplugged for a bit and they don't stay plugged forever. When they first got plugged, they would stay plugged for weeks at a time... so yup I suppose there is some improvement. I think to survive this I'll have to try looking at the improvements right? I wish I could be super optimistic, I wish i could be happy and peppy and be optimistic. But I can't. I don't feel like myself. I feel like someone has zapped all the enthusiasm for life right out of me. I can't really remember what I felt like to be deeply content...  I feel like I'm laying on the floor and can't get up. every time I try to get up, something knocks me down...

Anyways, Wyatt is awesome though. he's surprisingly very optimistic. He's spent all our marriage trying to make me happy and I'm happy to report that eighty percent of the time he does. It makes me want to cry how much he makes me happy. He makes me laugh and he spoils me. I went to Target yesterday because I needed some serious retail therapy. I'm on the hunt for maternity clothes. at least pants. I just want comfortable clothes that look nice! I suppose I feel crummy and I'd at least like to look nice and in cute clothes. clothes that are comfortable! Elastic is my friieeenndd!!

Okay bbbbyyyyeeee!



PS Post title brought to you by Always Sunny in Philadelphia!

hahaha! okay but how was anyone in the audience okay with this play? I think that's part of what makes it so epic!

Friday, March 6, 2015

Okay, Weeee!!

So I was originally going to title this post "want my pillow?" Not sure if you'll remember back in 2010 I wrote a fairly long post about how touched I was that Wyatt offered me his pillow one night when I couldn't sleep. It was after a huge fight so it was kind of a big deal.  There was more to it than him just offering me his pillow, idk how to explain it. But the other night he willingly (gladly) switched pillows with Danny. Danny was very pleased when I dropped the pillow in his crib and promptly re-arranged it so it would be under his little noggin. It was really cute to watch. I will forever be grateful at how willing Wyatt is to share his Pillows. He really is a wonderful husband and I'm incredibly blessed to have him. Fantastic lover as well.
Lately, I have seen a completely different side to Wyatt. Everyday he bends over backwards to try and make me happy. Especially since I've been feeling terrible. There was on particular instance where I was hoping I would have good ears and balance so I could go to a baby shower. It's not like I am obsessed with baby showers, but it had been so long since I had felt well enough to mingle with other people. I expressed my worries to him about not being able to go because of balance issues. Without missing a beat he said "Cindy, if you had wanted to go I would have driven you there and carried you inside. Then, when you were ready to leave, I'd come pick you up and carry you to the car".My eyes welled up with tears as I thought about how touched I was by this. I mean it's a baby shower, it's not a Katy Perry concert. But he knew it meant a lot to me and instead of saying "We'll stay in and watch a movie, we'll have fun" he said he would get me to that baby shower. Maybe it's not as touching to you. But to me it really really was.
Moving on. Yesterday was sort of the perfect day, I got to work out then I came home and we lazed about for a bit. We tried to work on our taxes, didn't really work out. We went to Panera and then I got my nails did. both my fingers and toes! So it was a very nice day. Besides our neighbors banging on our apartment wall. like for real? Jeez who pissed in their cheerios?
Speaking of pissing in cheerios I was up today at 530 and I couldn't help but think of Britt on the bachelor and how rude the girls were to her. I mean why did no one point out that Carly was a bully? because that's what she is! she masks her being super rude with being "funny" but that type of relentless bullying is that type of thing that drives young girls to take their lives. No me gusta. Anyways I wish I would have been on the show to defend my girl Britt.  I just wish there was some justice! It bothered me to no extent. I can't watch the bachelor anymore.


- this is hard. really hard. it's mentally draining and frustrating. But alas! I must continue at some point it will click right? he had 4 accidents. FOUR basically every time he had to pee. It was like I turned my back and he'd pee. So I spent the last two hours glued to his side to make sure he wouldn't pee anywhere else but the potty and he never peed. UGH  But i've read that it gets harder the longer you wait so whatever, we're trudging through. I mean I have to relax and realize just about everything can be cleaned. I mean we're cleaning the carpets when we move anyways. So yeah. I also have to realize that this will take a LONG time. Probably like three weeks before he really gets it. So I need to be patient.  no tv! He doesn't pay attention to his body when he's mindlessly watching TV and it makes it so much harder. So that was difficult too.

I'm exhausted,



ps. Post title brought to you by this vine that I found on tumblr. It basically gave me life

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Have I mentioned how much I love my robe?

So have I told you how much I like my robe? Probably. I love my robe.
Also, I'm 99% my ear rings significantly louder when I'm in the bathroom and I have a suspicion it's the light bulbs. My ear is ringing right now and it's driving me up the walls. Hence always playing music in the bathroom. Thank heavens for modern technology. Poor Van Gogh. If he only has a smart phone with some music he might not have been driven to insanity. Note to self, re-watch that episode of Dr Who. 
So I saw Jessica Thurber at Trader Joes and she said the changes in barometric totes give her migraines too. Thank Heavens. 

That's all


I think Zumba's making me a lesbian...

Happy free pancake day! Danny and I got free pancakes at IHOP and he was surprisingly really well behaved. Thank you Daniel.

So remember my post about not being old enough to buy a car? ya I think I'm ready. it dawned on me that yes, phoenix seems to good to be true and almost like I don't deserve it. but YES I do! It's been a tough six/nine months! Seriously May-November Wyatt was gone, then I was stuck at home for two months with my awful ear problem (which I totally think is made worse when I hang around home all day. it makes it much worse. It's been a bummer couple of months, so yes I deserve this. I deserve nice things. I freaking sacrificed for this. jeez.

Lately I've been feeling like I look beyond frumpy. It's been a huge downer, it's either the pregnancy or I just look terrible. It makes me sad to think I don't look pretty and skinny like the ASOS pregnant models or you know other pregnant unicorns. Though yesterday at zumba I  had a moment of clarity. I kept looking around and noticing that the women around me were very sexy. Let me be clear, they weren't young twenty year olds with magazine bodies. More like forty year olds who knew how to get down.  I'm not even joking, not even a little bit! Anyways, I realized. The true Bad-a**** don't have to have stretch mark free stomachs or perfect slim figures. They are comfortable in their skin and are happy!  Here in CT I'd consider myself a solid 5/10. When I get to AZ I'll be like a 3/10 in those wards. I'm imagining Lindon pool all over again. have you been to that place? All these young beautiful moms looking fly with small bikinis. I realized if I can't be happy with the way I look here in CT AZ is going to eat me alive. However, people keep telling me the area we'll be living in is nice and new! (please give me something new!) and it has kneaders DUH.  and cafe rio DUR. But everyone says it's straight up Utah and, well, Utah and i have a love hate relationship.

Another thing I was thinking about is why on earth am I being such a sissy? I felt much MUCH better after working out yesterday. I'm all worried about what I can't do. But HULLO I can probably do everything I was doing before. I never used heavy weights, always stuck with 10 at the very most 12. Mainly 8 these days. Jeez. You'd think I was dying "omgosh what will I do to work out?" uh dur the same things you did before. I even read that Abs are safe and GOOD for you to do during pregnancy. That was from WEBMD so pretty legit! I think I'll be fine... I need headphones though, nothings more unpleasant than running/biking next to a stranger with heavy breathing. *shudder* I gotta get to the gym early though. I can't do this whole after Wyatt gets back to work crap. I spend all day in a bad mood with awful ears, and lazy.

Did I mention how much I deserve another car? no? okay let me expound. So Sundays Wyatt has to work. He says it's every other sunday but honestly it feels like every. single. sunday. Maybe because they keep canceling church. So i have to constantly find rides home and while I always find someone more than happy to do it, it's a little embarrassing. I seriously would not be complaining a bit if I had my own way of getting home, but I don't, I'm at the mercy of really nice people.  I'm not the only person who hates asking for rides home. scouts honor, everyone does.

Danny kicked me all night long, and my ears were on the fritz! I don't get it, I went nearly two weeks with awesome ears and now they've gone to crap. It's because I don't have a car and can't workout in the morning. and I ate that da** fettucini alfredo. TWICE. They were ringing all night, that and I was cramping. I thought death was imenent. Seriously, what's up with these cramps? I did manage to sleep for a while and had interesting lesbian dreams. Which isn't really surprising because I had lesbian dreams while I was pregnant with Danny. They were pleasant, unsettling, but pleasant.

Speaking of weird. I'm not really feeling Joseph anymore (my top choice baby name)... weird right? I was so dead set on it. Maybe it's a girl? Joseph just doesn't seem right. When I was pregnant with Danny I was confident with the name Daniel from beginning to end.(Wyatt would argue that this is in fact a dirty lie)  But with this one, Joseph just isn't fitting right. I'm not sure why, maybe Joseph will come one or two babies later?  Whatever the reason is, I just really really don't think the baby I'm caring is a a "Joseph" It's not settling with me right. I keep rolling it around my mind and it's just not right. "Joey Anthony" is an adorable name but for some reason it's not holding the same feelings it did. Not that I don't want to name a baby Joey, I really REALLY do. But this baby doesn't feel like a  joseph... idk. :|
I'm not sure it feels like a Sofia either. though that feels a little bit better. Maybe it's a girl.

Mikey is feeling right though. funny, maybe I'm partial to the name Mikey? Michael Eric Anthony. Michael Everet Anthony. hmm I like the latter one the best. Look at the two name written

Michael Everet Anthony "Mikey"

Joseph Everet Anthony "Joey"

Both fantastic names, but I'm really feeling Michael over the Joseph. *shrugs shoulders* maybe I just need to see the baby. Might even  be a girl! I still feel good about the name Sofia!

okay, that's it.


PS. post title was from my thoughts during zumba. They keep making us "pair up" and for some reason I'm always the man... I charm my dance partners with jokes and great dance moves. I actually have multiple women wanting to be my partner.... so yup, I'm slowly morphing into the man half in a lesbian relationship. Luckily I'm already pregnant so we don't have to find a sperm donor. Soon we'll be a happy lesbian mixed race family.

Sunday, March 1, 2015

I should have bought a tampon not a pregnancy test

Are you tired? I'm exhausted. I feel like crap I have no idea why... maybe I'm getting sick or something? idk. nonetheless this week has been pretty wonderful as of late. I wish I blogged more frequently this past week. It would make keeping up with current events easier. I think I should try to blog at least once a day. it's just tough to find the times sometimes. That and I'm a total slob and lazy person these days. Which i'd like to change. I mean I was thinking about it the other day and I was thinking about who someday I'll get old fat and wrinkly and wonder what I did with my beauty. I dressed like a slob and didn't shower. Or maybe you just need to dress nicer and shower when you get older. btw speaking of older did I mention I'm pregnant? no? oh yes, I'm pregnant!

So here's how it went. Wyatt and I went to PHANTOM OF THE OPERA on Saturday. nbd! Baouyen and Jake took care of Danny so we could go fulfill one of my lifelong dreams. No, I'm being completely serious. It has been a dream of mine since I was 13 years old! I remember the day, the last day of the 8th grade. A friend gave me the Phantom of the Opera CD'S  I rushed home and played them on my super cool CD player (considering our iPods and iPhones the thing was ancient) I laid on my bed and listened to it, all two hours of it. I cried and cried and cried when it ended. From then on out the songs in that musical would haunt and annoy all the members of my family.  Long car rides to St. George were filled with my CD's, It's only until the movie came out that I realized there was a track with the song "Music of the Night".  Speaking of that movie it came out on Christmas day and all my family went to watch it together, it was pretty special. Though, if I recall i had to for everyone's tickets out of my christmas money, sheesh. ANYWAYS long story short I've been waiting for this my whole life.

Watching it was beyond real. What struck me the most about the experience is that the whole thing seemed so attainable. The stage was actually a lot smaller than I expected it to be, it felt like I could maybe reach out and touch it. It felt like just anyone could walk in and watch the show for almost nothing (not a ridiculous 100$! Though, it was worth every penny!) The actors seemed like ordinary people yet they have all long been part of my dreams. It felt like, hmm, I can do this. I can be a cast member. I then remembered  that these people are the best of the best. The cream that rose to the top of the milk. Out of hundreds upon hundreds of people who tried out, they were picked, and honestly they were absolutely fabulous. This was their life. Made me feel a little sad about my place in the world. But I suppose there needs to be a lot of ordinary people so that extra ordinary stand out. Also, it was done in the blink of an eye. literally! I waited forever to watch it and it was over just like that. Not captured on film so I could watch it over and over, but a magical moment I'll remember only in a memory. Like flowers in a garden, beautiful, but temporary. I loved when the Auctioneer said "Gentlemen!" and put the power cords together and they sparked! When the pit orchestra started playing the theme I honestly thought I would die from excitement (I actually cried). Another mental image I took was Piangi trying to climb up the elephant prop. Then of course, when Christine and the Phantom singing their song. Magical. I captured when they were going down the trap door then all of a sudden they were going down a ramp that seemed to hang from the top of the stage to the middle (body doubles?) I remember the way it looked when she looked back and he tugged her towards him. I remember the way the boat looked (Wyatt's favorite part) and the way the candles seemingly rose out of fog. I remember the way he sang Music of the night to her. Wyatt leaned over and mentioned how he looked more like a hypnotist at that point. That makes so much sense. I remember when the Phantom would run on the balcony of the top of the theater, at that point he really did seem attainable. When he made fire rise from the stage when he declared war on both raul and christine. Gold it was pure gold. It was possibly made even more exciting because literally minutes before watching this dream we bought a pregnancy test at walgreens and I went to the bathroom at the theater and took it! It said Positive! I was over the moon and I wanted to tell all the strangers in the bathroom. Though, it wasn't the ideal situation there was really only one other person in the bathroom. Though, honestly It's sad I didn't just tell everyone! I thnk I was most worried about people thinking I'm gross as I walked out of the bathroom with a positive pregnancy test.

But yes there you have it two incredible experiences in one day. The rest of the post might be a bit of a disappointment to you so you can stop here!

I got to go to the theater on wednesday as well! Margi paid for it and it was fun. There's something neat about live theater. enchanting. Knowing that the performers are giving you 100% and it's not just a filmed one time thing. I think I might like going to the theater more often. It's a nicer form of entertainment. Theater, ballet, orchestra concerts. Am I just getting older or am I just being refined? Not sure, maybe this happens to all that go through adulthood? *shrugs shoulders*.  We went to Shake Shack as well. gosh I love that place.

I'm so sick of looking at apartments, places to live. I just want to live in an apartment complex with nice things and also a three bedroom. Can you blame me? Ok maybe you can.I want it all. sue me. There's one house I'm going to look at while I'm out there but other than that I've just about given up. Yup, definitely pregnant. soooo unmotivated.

On that note, jeez I feel sooooo crappy. I feel like trash. My ankle is by far the worst pain of it. yesterday while I was running from the train to the car it clamped up and it hurt so bad I almost couldn't walk but whatever. Today it hurts really bad as well. WHY?!

I'm not sure I'm ready to turn my body over to pregnancy again. As in, watch it ballon beyond reasonably acceptable. I've also started to re-examine what it means to be "fashionable". For example, being pregnant is hard enough on an ego and then add "unfashionable" to it and it's even worse! But, I was looking at old pictures of celebrities and their fashion was on point at that time it looks beyond silly now. So maybe it doesn't matter as much?

Not sure

anyways, BYE

ps. Today's post title was brought to you by me when I was waiting in line at the bathroom to take my pregnancy test. I could have sworn I felt my period coming on