Thursday, February 19, 2015

Just in case

Oh my gooossshhh is it June yet? idk but I feel like June will be a big turning point in this long,  hard (he he) path. Is it possible to just be down for like six months? Pretty sure it is. you can also hit rock bottom multiple times. I know technically speaking you can't, figuratively speaking you def can. For goodness sakes, someday I'll update this sad little blog with a ray of sunshine, but not today darling. sorry!
I still haven't felt myself the following things happen to me, though not all at once:
My eyes hurt
My head hurts (almost everyday!)
The ground below me feels like it's moving!
Even just having my eyes move from side to side makes me dizzy
I'm always uneven!!
Doing dishes makes me nauseas!
Something's not working right with my eyes!
awful noise of misery
clogged ears

I just feel like it's been SO long since I've felt like myself. On so many levels I'm not myself, I'm not the bright peppy I used to be! I'm exhausted and burnt out. It's not the type of exhausted where you get up in the morning and you didn't sleep enough. It's the type of exhaustion where you think "why life?!". So I was thinking and I think I'm blue because it's been a rough six months. Wyatt was gone for forever and I was burnt out by the time he got back, but I didn't really get to put my burden down all the way because he was gone all day in Hartford, and worse, he'd take the car with him! I can honestly say those were some of the most depressing months of my life. Also, my friends were crap! I didn't have a good support system here. Then I got sicker, sick? I'm not sure if that's the right word to describe the hell I was dragged through, but honestly I can't think of whatever else i'd say? unwell? Physically unfit? Then I sorta got better I'm so happy the tests showed nothing serious but I'm still not better! Maybe it's the after affects of steroids? idk. then as if that's not enough Danny and wyatt get sick, then I get sick! Then we get news from Baylor.Then we can't get our money back for tickets we bought to go to houston, danny's sick again and we have to replace our brakes.  Field mice literally ate through our car, not sure how they even got in.All while still not having a job! We're waiting to hear back from Arizona and I HOPE they give it to him. I know I sound dramatic but this year has KICKED my butt so much. If Wyatt has to fly out to another interview I'll shoot someone! Maybe I'd handle this better if physically I wasn't feeling weird. but the fact is that I'm not. still.

I have no motivation. To do anything. Why shower? Why clean the house? why do anything? Honestly, I'm not sure what will get me out of my slump. Will Wyatt getting a job really be the kicker? I can't say for sure because will I be feeling better then? Will the world stop turning as I walk through it? Will I stop feeling nauseated? See if I was pregnant and nauseated then I'd be able to cope with it better knowing that theres a rhyme and reason for it and eventually it will end. But I don't have that! I have no guarantee this will ever go away. I know I know "Where's your faith?" hum idk  probably somewhere back in November and December. But seriously, what is this illness? Stress? Migraines? idk When will it get better? idk.

Wyatt and I seem to take turns being in slumps. But we are both a little blue any given moment of the day. These are hard times that we should pass through. But I suppose as the BOM says "This too shall pass".

I just can't see the point in anything. My favorite songs don't sound as good to me anymore, my favorite shows don't light me up like they used to. Food doesn't tastes a little more on the bland side. Don't it feel like the wind is always howling? Well it definitely sounds like that sometimes.

Danny is in both the most fun and the most challenging stage i'vehad the privilege of seeing. He's loud, active and incredibly demanding. I feel like I never quite get a break from him because he's always following me everywhere and demanding something of me! I put a show on for him and he climbs all over me, I put a show on for me and he's not satisfied with me playing with him! He hasn't napped today and it kills me! I'm not sure why I always hold out for his nap... kills me whenever he wastes it in the car. I really wish he just wouldn't nap if he doesn't take his nap earlier in the day.  But honestly it's relentless, always touching something he's not meant to, cutting in front of me when I run. grabbing the shelf on the fridge causing the contents to come spilling out. If I told you how many times i've cried of sheer frustration with him staring you'd be like I don't believe you! maybe you would believe me. Being a mom is tough business and I'm utterly convinced Danny is a tough tough cookie.

And yet, he's my ray of sunshine. My beautiful baby boy. I love him terribly and it grates away at my nerves that my emotions go from affection to anger so quickly! I could not imagine putting him in a Daycare and being away from him all day everyday. I couldn't bare the thought of having some other woman being his favorite. (I'm a jealous woman) He's my love. I would also hope that one day he will have fond memories of me.  Though, truth be told I've been slacking. I'm knackered.

Okay, little tunnels here. Let's make small goals and work from there? Showering and getting ready, it will make me feel better, reading scriptures, and gym always make me feel better too. I've actually enjoyed my one hour of fb/ week thing so I might try to keep that up. I gotta dig down to find the inspiration and the motivation that I used to have. I did so much with him during the summer, it was great. I'm probably going to use the same motivation I used to use, silly as it may be it works! though since then I've found that ordinary lives are a lot harder than I had given them credit. Sigh, oh well.

Okay goals for surviving.

sleep early (10pm)
shower everyday  (at a reasonable hour)
two pages of scriptures (I'll work my way up to more. don't judge me)
be happy (however hard it may be) (fake it till you make it right?)

All in all lets be honest. Any day above ground is good right? God is good, church is true and I'm spent.


PS Wyatt made me top ramen and it actually warmed my heart. So Hence the post title. enjoy

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