Monday, February 23, 2015

Don Corleone

So what's the difference between being happy with what you have and settling? I've been thinking about that lately, honestly, I think the difference is all in the person. Someone would see it as settling others would see it as appreciating what they have. Wyatt are in an exciting part in our life but it's also a little difficult. We are looking at apartments and cars. Which, you think would be all fun and games, in reality is not. I thin I've suspected I would have a hard time with cars/homes for a long while. Because frankly, I can't have it all. There I said it. I have loved my apartment, a lot. But I think part of the reason I love it so much is because I simply can't afford anything better. We aren't making any money. Truthfully there aren't that nice of apartments in CT anyways. But thinking that I'm moving on to "bigger" and "better" things. Makes me want nice things. Granite counter tops, hardwood floors, garbage disposal, nice carpet. You know my likes, they aint cheap. But because we have a surprisingly limited budget some of these likes will not be satisfied.

On the car front. I'm not sure I'm emotionally ready to buy a car, like don't you have to be an adult to purchase one of those things? I'm not an adult, am I? I guess I don't feel like it because I'm not working? I mean I have a child (and possibly another one on the way) but I'm not an adult...? It's such a final decision too. You pick this car and you're stuck with it for the next 10-15 years (at least). Part of me wanted to wait so i could save up and buy the one that I absolutely wanted (not a Range Rover obviously) but at least something that I realistically have wanted for a while. We were deciding between a CRV and a Rav4 and we kind of settled on a  CRV (tentatively). Which seemed fine at the moment but now I'm not so sure! I was looking at them today while driving around Hamden ad theres something a bit ugly about them. Not sure what, but idk something looks a little silly with them. So then I thought a Rav4 sport, which is more the look I was hoping for. But Wyatt said they don't get good gas milage. So throw that one out. I really like the look of the Highlander too, but he said no to that one either. So this left me with a CRV and 2012 to be exact. So In reality, all I get to pick is the color of the car that has appointed me. This was a little let down, because I had always set myself up for saving up and buying myself for what I truly wanted. But like, we need a car, sharing a car just won't work. I'm surprised we've made it this far with just one car (which it's really wyatt's car, but he's never made me feel like it's not mine too) So here we have it a CRV.  Is this settling or being happy at what I will have? Interesting question eh?

As far as the apartment it will come down to smaller space with nicer things or bigger space with not so nice things. As for me myself I think i'd rather have smaller space but nicer things than bigger and not nice things. I also like the comfort an apartment complex brings. Especially in Arizona when we'll need a pool. I was so jelly of Maria, Talisha and Hilary. Them with their nice pool in CT. I can't say that their apartments were much better than mine. I think my apartment is awesome I don't like anyone else's houses or anything. I don't covet them. So now that we're going somewhere where there will be things to covet, I'm more demanding, knowing that I can possibly have better. So I'm opting for a smaller space but nicer things. Naomi Davis lives in a two bedroom apartment in NY and she somehow manages. I think we can manage having just two rooms for a while. Tandem Nursery would be tricky, but I think it can be done. Anyways, one of those two kids is going to end up in our bed anyway. really though. We can make it two or three years in a two bedroom then pick a house. Which is another animal in of itself! I want all the nice things! I want all those things. Granite counter tops, nice carpet and paint. I want it, I WANT IT ALL!!!!! I don't wanna live in a house I don't really like and then "update it" I want a cookie cutter house, new and nice.

So I think I just decided not to care. Just shrug my shoulders at it (remind you of anything?! The little reed the bent in the wind stood straight up once the wind stopped. Something like that). I mean does it REALLY matter if I have a range rover or a CRV? Well yes it does. But that's the thing I can either decide not to care about it or not. I think it's like a little switch in my mind.

Wyatt deserves to be with someone who won't be yearning for more all the time. I can choose to be satisfied and  happy about whatever car we get. I won't worry about it too much. The apartment, I think i'll insist on smaller space but nicer space but if that's not ultimately what we get I don't think I'll make a stink over it. Frankly, I'm just happy we're healthy and happy together. What more could I ask for? I love Wyatt and have grown to love him more, he knows me so well. I doubt he'd pick anything I wouldn't actually like. Well, he did pick this apartment...which I LOVE! So yes, I think I can trust him to give me what I like. Thank heavens for that. So I've decided not to worry about that.  One thing I've been thinking about lately is Wyatt himself.

My funny valentine indeed. I don't get him. I really don't! You'd think I'd understand him after almost six years of marriage and while I do understand him and can predict his likes and dislikes I feel like I learn something new about him everyday. He doesn't fit into any molds, he isn't a cookie cutter husband. My book about "the proper care and feeding of husbands" I swear never applied to him! I never cease to be baffled by him! I think it boils down to a clean house and food being the secret to his happiness. Not so much getting dolled up or paying compliment. Definitely the clean house area. Too bad I've been super lazy and not motivated. Maybe I am pregnant cuz I'm tired and unmotivated. Could it be that the two things that make him the happiest I'm just not willing to do?! Well, I like a clean house too. I kept a really clean house when he was gone. So I'm not sure what the deal is?

In other news we bought that Frank Sinatra Album I wanted.  I'm not sure what to make of that. I mean I love the album and am obsessed with the song "my funny valentine" but I think I needed to pine for it a little more. I grew up with If I wanted something I would hope and dream about it for a while then finally get it. I mean I prefer this infinitely more. Believe it or not I find myself wanting less things. But I wasn't emotionally ready to buy the frank sinatra album. I wasn't dressed right and didn't look nice. idk why ok! But I'm glad I have it though. I think I'd listen to my funny valentine every morning if I could. Which I guess I can now!

Well that's all today. It's a lot I know. Sorry
xoxo

Cindita

PS Post title brought to you by the God Father, which I think is a fantastic movie.Here's the clip from The Godfather that kind of rocked my world. It was an incredible part and I loved it. You have good taste Martin Freeman and Jimmer Fredette !



Saturday, February 21, 2015

Wild Card Bitches!!

Happy fondue friday! Today we laid around the house until the afternoon because I had a stupid migraine/clogged ears. Though surprisingly it didn't last as long as I would have though. Knock on wood because technically it could come back.

WEATHER I can say with a surety that my migraines/clogged ears have to do with weather changes (rain/snow). Wyatt let me take a nap and he didn't seem to mind that I was a lazy potato reading all morning. I appreciated that and felt pretty bad about it. On that note, honestly what has been read cannot be unread, Game of Thrones went from a gray area in my entertainment to black as night! I read ahead with Theon's plot line and read about his sad miserable tortured life and it made me sick. Sick sick sick. you can bet that his awful story will catch up to me later tonight or any other night this week/month. *shudders* I vow here and now with you as my whiteness that i will guard what I watch/hear/read more. Curiosity indeed killed the cat.  What's sad is I feel as though most good shows either have violence or nudity in them! Or they're extremely dark! I loved Hannibal but can't watch it anymore because it made me sick! The Following seems like a really interesting show but I can't imagine it getting any  lighter from the first episode... goodness sakes. I need to stick to happy or funny shows without nudity in them!  I think it will be for the best if I avoid shows that contain a lot of nudity, violence or otherwise malicious acts. I will sleep better at night I'm sure.


 We went to Trader Joes and bought all sorts of goodness. I will forever point to Trader Joes as my favorite grocery store. Really, I can't be swayed. We stopped at price right to get some tomatillos for enchiladas tomorrow and went home. Wyatt and I made Fondue! It was the perfect consistency! (though I liked the flavor from our earlier mishap better) We ate it with bread, broccoli and carrots (the most beautiful multi-colored carrots). We drank sparkling grape cider and listened to Frank Sinatra (that mans voice is silk, pure silk).







Now we're watching Wall-E and I'm on hold with US Airways trying to reserve some tickets to fly to Arizona so we can check out some apartments! Hooray!

Danny is growing up too fast. I think I get sad every single night that I put him down because he doesn't stop growing! I love him to pieces! I really should be playing with him more and showing him more attention. I think it's hard in the winter. If it were summer it would be easier because I would love to run with him! Nonetheless I should be better at playing with him and teaching him.

Wyatt's next rotation will require him to take the car with him. 4 weeks of not having  a car uggh :( But luckily he will get back at around 1 or 2 so Danny and I can go to the gym later in the day. It will be sad that he won't get to see his usual gang of friends. sad. I won't see mine either!

We went to Outback yesterday and it was so much fun! we literally ordered the most expensive things. not that we were trying to order the most expensive things but we just ordered what we wanted! it was DELICIOUS!



We announced that we would be moving to Arizona and surprisingly there are a lot of people that we know that live in Arizona. Fun! I can't wait!  Honestly I think it will be fine, no it will be more than fine, it will be fabulous.


Well Danny's getting restless, I take my leave!
xoxo
Cindita

PS. Post title brought to you by Charlie on Always Sunny in Philidelphia!


Here comes the sun!

We are headed to Arizona!!!!! Wyatt accepted a job in Phoenix!! I can't tell you what a relief it is for us!!
Happy Friday! A very happy day indeed. We are still experiencing the glowing after affects of having a bright future in the dessert. 
Last night was rough, Danny was soo restless. He couldn't breath well and was therefore upset for the majority of the night. I was beyond exhausted (as was Wyatt) and we attempted to let him cry it out. Which of course blew up in our faces. No surprise there. He got so worked up nothing would calm him and at one point I was actually scared of him! He was standing on my side of the bed and screaming and trying to hit me! The. He ran around the corner, I'm not exaggerating when I say that could have easily been a scene from a horror film with a possed child ( WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU WANT LECHEEE SMALL SATAN?!) but we survived the night. Wyatt ended up taking him downstairs (thank heavens for Wy) I most likely would have snapped. 
Morning was pleasant though. I dropped Wyatt off and took Danny to the gym with me and he was really excited to play in the daycare. 
My trip to the gym was full of friendly faces which was nice. I saw Debra and she told me she had a hypo thyroid condition but is wanting to wean herself off of her medication. As I was doing push-ups Flo stopped by and told me that her youngest son Ray broke out in hives, likely due to antibiotics, and that he was ready to be done in Singapore. She recently celebrated her 35 wedding anniversary. (On Valentine's Day) and to celebrate they are going to Ireland in April! Then meeting her son Ray in Switzerland in September. She wants to do lunch again, she is so lovely and I'm happy we became friends! She's a bit of an introvert. I think she'd be a great fit for the church and she would benefit greatly from RS. The RS would benefit from her, she's genuine, warm and intelligent. 
I saw Tara and Eula as well. They were working on their chest and triceps (?). I saw Shaneen and she stopped to say hi for a bit, her hair looked lovely. She left her husband because he spent all her hard earned money on Gucci shoes while she was stuck looking like "target Tina" (I literally burst out laughing when she said that)  I saw a few other people as well. Oh! I also saw Taylor! I had asked her what her workout was and she explained it was a ebook. It's 50$! Someday when Wyatt makes the big bucks! Well she offered to send it to me via email! Out of nowhere she came up and said "don't mean to bother you but I wondered if you'd like me to email you my workouts? It's a PDF in an email" I of course obliged. It's 189 pages! And has 12 weeks worth of workouts. I was honestly speechless! I didn't even know her and she shared her workouts with me.  I watched a movie with Kristen last night and it was fun, she's very sweet, intelligent and a lot of fun. She taught high school chemistry for 2 years and loved it. She likes to read magazine covers and thinks naked juices are  liquid gold. She dated Mark Madden and was worried about holding his hand! Honestly, she is a gem and I'm blessed to call her my friend. 
Wyatt had a sock contest today at work but unfortunately did not win. He has a phone interview and left work early to do a drug screen. Busy busy man. I'm very proud of him and I'm excited about Phoenix ! His hair looks especially good today! 
Btw Wyatts on his phone interview and it's bizzare. I think there's at least two other people on the phone interview. 
My balance has been pretty great today. While I was making lunch I got pretty dizzy but was able to recover after a few minutes. I blame low blood sugar. 
Well I'm going to eat some yogurt to avoid just that!
Xoxo
Cindita 


Here comes the sun!

 PS. Today's post title was brought to you by The Beatles!!! 

Pps. I REALLY want Frank Sinatras Album! 

Thursday, February 19, 2015

Just in case

Oh my gooossshhh is it June yet? idk but I feel like June will be a big turning point in this long,  hard (he he) path. Is it possible to just be down for like six months? Pretty sure it is. you can also hit rock bottom multiple times. I know technically speaking you can't, figuratively speaking you def can. For goodness sakes, someday I'll update this sad little blog with a ray of sunshine, but not today darling. sorry!
I still haven't felt myself the following things happen to me, though not all at once:
My eyes hurt
My head hurts (almost everyday!)
The ground below me feels like it's moving!
Even just having my eyes move from side to side makes me dizzy
I'm always uneven!!
Doing dishes makes me nauseas!
Something's not working right with my eyes!
awful noise of misery
clogged ears

I just feel like it's been SO long since I've felt like myself. On so many levels I'm not myself, I'm not the bright peppy I used to be! I'm exhausted and burnt out. It's not the type of exhausted where you get up in the morning and you didn't sleep enough. It's the type of exhaustion where you think "why life?!". So I was thinking and I think I'm blue because it's been a rough six months. Wyatt was gone for forever and I was burnt out by the time he got back, but I didn't really get to put my burden down all the way because he was gone all day in Hartford, and worse, he'd take the car with him! I can honestly say those were some of the most depressing months of my life. Also, my friends were crap! I didn't have a good support system here. Then I got sicker, sick? I'm not sure if that's the right word to describe the hell I was dragged through, but honestly I can't think of whatever else i'd say? unwell? Physically unfit? Then I sorta got better I'm so happy the tests showed nothing serious but I'm still not better! Maybe it's the after affects of steroids? idk. then as if that's not enough Danny and wyatt get sick, then I get sick! Then we get news from Baylor.Then we can't get our money back for tickets we bought to go to houston, danny's sick again and we have to replace our brakes.  Field mice literally ate through our car, not sure how they even got in.All while still not having a job! We're waiting to hear back from Arizona and I HOPE they give it to him. I know I sound dramatic but this year has KICKED my butt so much. If Wyatt has to fly out to another interview I'll shoot someone! Maybe I'd handle this better if physically I wasn't feeling weird. but the fact is that I'm not. still.

I have no motivation. To do anything. Why shower? Why clean the house? why do anything? Honestly, I'm not sure what will get me out of my slump. Will Wyatt getting a job really be the kicker? I can't say for sure because will I be feeling better then? Will the world stop turning as I walk through it? Will I stop feeling nauseated? See if I was pregnant and nauseated then I'd be able to cope with it better knowing that theres a rhyme and reason for it and eventually it will end. But I don't have that! I have no guarantee this will ever go away. I know I know "Where's your faith?" hum idk  probably somewhere back in November and December. But seriously, what is this illness? Stress? Migraines? idk When will it get better? idk.

Wyatt and I seem to take turns being in slumps. But we are both a little blue any given moment of the day. These are hard times that we should pass through. But I suppose as the BOM says "This too shall pass".

I just can't see the point in anything. My favorite songs don't sound as good to me anymore, my favorite shows don't light me up like they used to. Food doesn't tastes a little more on the bland side. Don't it feel like the wind is always howling? Well it definitely sounds like that sometimes.

Danny is in both the most fun and the most challenging stage i'vehad the privilege of seeing. He's loud, active and incredibly demanding. I feel like I never quite get a break from him because he's always following me everywhere and demanding something of me! I put a show on for him and he climbs all over me, I put a show on for me and he's not satisfied with me playing with him! He hasn't napped today and it kills me! I'm not sure why I always hold out for his nap... kills me whenever he wastes it in the car. I really wish he just wouldn't nap if he doesn't take his nap earlier in the day.  But honestly it's relentless, always touching something he's not meant to, cutting in front of me when I run. grabbing the shelf on the fridge causing the contents to come spilling out. If I told you how many times i've cried of sheer frustration with him staring you'd be like I don't believe you! maybe you would believe me. Being a mom is tough business and I'm utterly convinced Danny is a tough tough cookie.

And yet, he's my ray of sunshine. My beautiful baby boy. I love him terribly and it grates away at my nerves that my emotions go from affection to anger so quickly! I could not imagine putting him in a Daycare and being away from him all day everyday. I couldn't bare the thought of having some other woman being his favorite. (I'm a jealous woman) He's my love. I would also hope that one day he will have fond memories of me.  Though, truth be told I've been slacking. I'm knackered.

Okay, little tunnels here. Let's make small goals and work from there? Showering and getting ready, it will make me feel better, reading scriptures, and gym always make me feel better too. I've actually enjoyed my one hour of fb/ week thing so I might try to keep that up. I gotta dig down to find the inspiration and the motivation that I used to have. I did so much with him during the summer, it was great. I'm probably going to use the same motivation I used to use, silly as it may be it works! though since then I've found that ordinary lives are a lot harder than I had given them credit. Sigh, oh well.

Okay goals for surviving.

sleep early (10pm)
shower everyday  (at a reasonable hour)
two pages of scriptures (I'll work my way up to more. don't judge me)
be happy (however hard it may be) (fake it till you make it right?)

All in all lets be honest. Any day above ground is good right? God is good, church is true and I'm spent.

xoxo
Cindy

PS Wyatt made me top ramen and it actually warmed my heart. So Hence the post title. enjoy

Saturday, February 14, 2015

STAY PUT TINY ROOMS!

For goodness sakes, this has been one of the worst weekends of my life. For reals.  Where to start? Well technically my crappy weekend started on thursday with a nice migraine, you know the special kinds I get now a days, with plugged ears and the wonderful sound of misery. It lasted all day thursday and honestly, I know I should get used to it, but it's so SO awful! I haven't felt like myself since freaking december! Even then i was having problems. Ok, so the last time I really felt like myself was september. WAY TOO LONG. Anyways so I had that sweet migraine, the house was a wreck, Wyatt was leaving to an interview in Arizona the next day so he was busy all day.  We ordered some Panera, thankfully, because there was no way I was cooking. Danny and I stayed up super late, The next day we kind of slept in then went to the gym.  Then we had a deeply unsatisfying lunch at chipotle, Danny ran around everywhere and I didn't get to eat any of my food. As if things couldn't get worse, Danny quite literally spat apple juice at me and threw food at me, all the while strangers stared silently, but not subtly, jugging me. THANKS. I went home, laid down and cried and cried and cried and cried. I finally got around to getting Danny to bed and he took a late nap. I knew he'd be up forever that night but I just wanted sometime alone.


Then Saturday came around and I still had some lingering affects from my migraine, so thursday, friday, saturday. I think that's kind of a pattern. Anyways. I knew I had to clean the house today, Wyatt would be coming home the next day and I wanted him to have a clean house. Now you have to understand the house was a WRECK like a WRECK.






 It took forever to do the dishes but I did them before I left for the gym and started the dishwasher even thought there wasn't a ton of dishes in there. I went to the gym and went to a zumba class (I know, shame shame you know my name) but a group of women invited me and I felt bad saying no. It was fun, the instructor is very energetic and I was impressed at how much of a sweat I worked up.The instructor shakes his but more (and much better) than anyone I know. He did some things that I thought were rather uncomfortable! He came to the back of the classroom for the last part of class and danced next to me and did some very sexual moves and I was like looking around "are you seeing this?!" but the ladies were loving it. Like little puppies, they love him. So I decided to stop being a wet sandwich and let loose a little, which led to even more fun. Then I did my little tuesday, thursday saturday butt workout. (trying to grow a booty). Idk why i'm even trying, I feel so old! I noticed the other day ,while doing a dead lift,  how incredibly aged and ugly my face looked. Like, when did that happen?  I am definitly not fresh faced and beautiful.... idk?! Also, i'm kind of thinking the bangs are really working for me anymore. Or at least I think I look better without them. Idk! Maybe, I would feel better about them if my hair was longer? Well they look good when I actually do them! We came home and Danny napped for like two seconds. Then we were up and cleaning. The kitchen was a beast, and not to mention the fridge UGH. I had already cleaned the floor when I cleaned out the fridge. BIG MISTAKE, HUGE! Black beans had spilled all over the fridge  and when I was cleaning the fridge they obviously spilled all over the floor. Then there was Danny, seriously he was all over the place, he wouldn't leave me alone for even a minute! He was walking around biting into everything asking for cheese, then spitting it out everywhere. and he broke one of the shelves of the fridge and everything went spilling out. GREAT. I took the trash out and slipped in the snow. I was super frustrated and thought CUE  stranger who helps me up and then offers to let me run away without any consequences (oh wait, you mean the Doctor doesn't visit desperate housewives? oh darn). Then we vacuumed, I say we because Danny insisted in helping with a lot. He actually cleaned the fridge a little, and it was pretty cute. After what seemed like an ion we moved to the upstairs, the upstairs was frustrating because Danny followed me closely and insisted in making messes everywhere we went. Like pulling clothes off hangers and scattering clothes and toys everywhere. I put Danny in the bath and I stopped the water before it filled the tub too much  because I wanted to get some warm water for my shower later (Because our apartment ALWAYS runs out of warm water) He freaked out and started crying, super loud and I snapped! I spun around and said "stop it! stop crying!" He got mad and threw a bath toy at me, which I ignored, then another one which I didn't! I threw it back at him and it hit him in the chest. (it was a very soft toy and I pinkie promise it made no damage)  He was stunned for a beat but then he started to cry and reached his hand out to me. I grumbled and went over to him. his water was freezing! What?! So I turned on the water and cranked it as warm as it would go. which wasn't a lot, but I figured he deserved to have a long bath. I felt so bad about snapping at him, seeing his little face crumble. ugh I instantly felt like the worse mom every. Thank you Danny for putting up with me because I'm a work in progress for sure.  Then I got him out and we went downstairs. he ate the rest of his mac and cheese and I made a shake,  and finally sat down. to write this sob story. While danny climed all over me and threatened to spill spinach smoothing all over the lap top! though he did really like the smoothie! good for him! thus concludes the post on the worst valentines day ever.





xoxo
Cindy


pps. today's post title was brought to you by the off skit from the Emmy's, it's a funny video. Enjoy

Monday, February 9, 2015

Sugarlumps

Well another day has come and gone! A successful Monday, though it was awful weather. I am so SO ready for this winter to be over. Can you believe theres only 90 days till wyatt Graduates? I can't either. So basically there is 90 days left to living here and 90 days to not knowing where we are going! Well, actually, I would hope that we will know where we are going before 90 days.
I finally started a morning with reading my scriptures, which feels really good because I don't have to worry about doing it later during the day... I'm a terrible person! We dropped Wyatt off at Yale and the weather was pretty awful but you know whatever! Danny and I went to the gym and afterwards we went home to eat lunch. I've felt pretty good today which I was happy about. My ears got a little stuffy sometimes but for the most part fine! I had a headache this morning but it later went away. Anyways, now we're watching flight of the concords and just hanging out on the couch! Which i'm ok with :) That's all!

xoxo

Cindita

PS.
today's post was brought to you by Flight of the Conchords :)

Sunday, February 8, 2015

Running up the stairs because you feel an evil spirit chasing after you

Well you may or may not be surprised to find out that we made it through November, December and January. I can say with all the honesty I have that this has been the worst three months of my life and I would never want to repeat it. I have been dragged through misery forest and beat with the hell stick. I am very VERY ready for this to be done. 100% done! So i'll give you the long version of what happened so I can look back and remember just what we went through.

September 29 I woke up and my left ear was stuffed up. It stayed like that for a week before I finally decided to visit the doctor. She thought it was an ear infection and prescribed anti biotics. My ear got better but two weeks later it came back, so again i went to the doctor and she gave more antibiotics. once again, it went away for a week but came back in the next two weeks. At this point I figured I should go to someone else. I tried to get in to see a specialist but none would accept my insurance. So i just went to a different doctor and she said she could honestly see nothing bad with my ear but gave me augmenting just in case. Whatever, it went away but came back in two weeks. I went to the urgent care and saw a different physician who said that there was nothing wrong with my ears and that I needed to see a specialist. He said that it might be permanent. The secretary there told me that I should go to the ER, she said that they would probably have specialists there who would have to treat me. So I went to the ER and waited there forever and didn't even get helped, they told me that there was nothing wrong with my ear, they gave me augmentin and told me to see an ENT. which i couldn't get into see because of my insurance.... So a couple days later I sold my soul and I finally got in to see a specialist. He was super cranky and thought I was making my condition up. He told me to come back when my ears were doing poorly. three days later they were doing poorly and I moved heaven and earth to see the man. He had tested my hearing when my ears were fine and he tested my left ear when my ears were coin poor. There was some significant nearing loss... It was terrifying taking that test to be honest. I actually pretended not to here some of the lower notes so he'd take me seriously but there was a gap of 20 seconds when I didn't hear anything and I panicked. He told me it could be Menieres disease but that he would need a test to be sure. I left being so happy that I was finally being taken seriously. But guess what? I needed an ECOG test and my insurance wouldn't cover it.... but they wouldn't let me pay out of pocket either, the hospital wouldn't budge about that because they would get audited... thanks obamacare. So lo and behold I was back at square one. Muffled hearing, sometimes ringing and stuffy ears. I was pretty low. Then one day when we were coming back from a friends house I lost my balance going up the stairs and I had an all out panic attack. I decided to take the steroids that the urgent care doctor had prescribed just whatever you know. I woke up monday and I felt so happy and normal. It was the most normal that I have ever felt! I was so happy!! I made Tamales and I started my steroids. I can't tell you what I felt that night, but Danny was up till nearly midnight and I was more than happy to stay up with him and read him books. some deep sadness set in that night, I could tell that my battle wasn't over. I could tell that something was coming, it was going to get worse before it got better. So I held Danny close to me and cried knowing that for the next who knows who long I wouldn't be able to love him the same. Sure enough the next day came and I had the stuffiest ears and roaring in my ears and it lasted days. This happened to be christmas eve and christmas. I had just about lost hope but continued on with the steroid treatment. Slowly my ears stopped roaring. But I never stopped feeling awful, I hated the steroids and it was the longest 10days of my life. I started feeling slightly better, still fatigued, and sick. Then Monday hit and I could tell something was off but couldn't put my finger on what it was. Tuesday came and my balance was WAY off. Neighbors helped me (literally) get to Urgent care and the doctor told me it was labrythitis. I didn't quite believe him because he hadn't taken any tests and how would he know? Whatever. I tried his medications and they only made things worse. Meanwhile my in laws came to visit and they were such a big help with Danny. Poor dear had been so neglected by me. All we did was watch TV all day because that's all I felt well enough to do. I continued to feel awful. Finally my friend Kami told her husband Elliot what I was going through and he hunted down a specialist online and emailed him and asked him a personal favor to accept me as a patient. You see Elliot is a radiologist at Yale and he used that to ask a personal favor. This was the best present anyone could give me! Literally he was my salvation! I went to see a specialist called Dr. Navaratnam and he tried a few things on me and test a few things, lots of balance tests. I then had my hearing test and my hearing was AWESOME! Yahoo! So I scheduled a VNG and an MRI, and I got an appointment to see Dr. Michaelides who was sorta the big name around for hearing and balance. Elliot being awesome was able to schedule me in for an MRI sooner than what I had been scheduled. So I had my MRI and it was the weirdest experience. You had to lie COMPLETELY STILL for 45 minutes with an IV! So yeah it was less than pleasant. I worried myself away that day wondering what I had wrong. Elliot being amazing read them for me that day along with one of his coworkers and he said everything was clear! HOORAY! We actually went to Disney on ice that night and it felt soo good to sit there and watch it with Danny and Wyatt knowing that my MRI was clear! I then had my VNG and to say it was a bizarre test is mild... it was crazy. You can ask me about that later... But my VNG was awesome.  January 30 finally rolled around and I finally got to see the Doctor to get a diagnosis. Wyatt wasn't able to come with me because we woke up late. But The doctor was only in the room with me for all of three minutes. He gave me pamphlet on migraines and told me I was suffering from Migraines. He told me it was not Menieres disease, it was not vestibular neuritis or labrynthits. He told me to control my stress and get more sleep. Stay hydrated and avoid certain foods.  So istarted doing these things. still not sure if I believe that's what I have but everything else was ruled out so. whatever. I still have these awful episodes but you will think it's crazy but they are actually headaches too. It's absolutely miserable. So this brings us to now. btw I didn't mention in this story that I had no car!!! Danny and i were stuck inside and it was long boring and miserable. Whenver I needed to get to doctors appointments I literally had to move heaven and earth.

I can happily say that I have more good days than bad. but the bad days are still around. even my eyes are weird... it's like they don't focus right or something strange like that. I thought things would get better but then we got the news that Baylor had gotten themselves into a hiring freeze and would no longer be able to offer Wyatt the job they had originally given him. Needless to say that was stressful. So friday Saturday and sunday I have been plauged with an AWFUL migraine. Saturday we were supposed to go to the temple but Wyatt and I just could not agree on going or not, we fought and yelled, and I cried saying we had to go! But i realized It wouldn't be fair to me him or anyone else if I dragged us to the temple with the attitudes we had. So I gave up as we were getting ready, I cried and said we didn't have to go. I went downstairs and laid on the couch and cried. After an hour I decided to get up and go to breakfast to cheer myself up. as I was walking out the door I thought about how unfair it was to leave Wyatt and Danny. So I turned around and went upstairs. Wyatt was sitting on the bed and he looked miserable. I knew the look on his face, defeat. He was legitimately sad over upsetting me. So I suggested we go to breakfast together, which he thought was a fantastic idea. WE waited for danny to wake up (that's a first) and we went. Danny was kind of restless but you know, that's how he is. We took him to Monkey Joes and Wyatt played with him. He got his wiggles out and then we went home and sat inside all day. napping and laying on the couch and watching shows. i got the worst WORST migraine. I was nauseated my head hurt and i couldn't sleep. it was awful. Sunday we made it to church which I was happy about because it had been a solid seven weeks since we had gone and made it on time for sacrament and stayed for three hours. Wyatt had to go to work so I had to find a ride back home but it turned out not be a huge deal.

I think I speak for Wyatt when I say that the last two months have really defeated us. We have both cried, and been frustrated so much. We have leaning on each other for strength but we are pretty low! Its been nice to have each other to share in sadness. But it's been sad. We lay around and sleep all the time because not only is it winter but there is nothing to do! WE are low and we feel sad so we just sit around. Our house is a constant mess! I wish I felt better so I could keep it clean! goodness sakes!

Not all is bad, I have learned lessons from the Lord through all of this. I have learned compassion, faith and sisterhood. I have whitnessed the power of prayer. I have seen what a blessing it is to RECEIVE help from the relief society and not just give it. I have cried over the gratitude I feel over people calling me, offering to take care of danny and simply saying they are praying for me.

So there it is. My sad tale, no our sad tale. Hopefully good times are coming ahead because we as a family have been brought low.

xoxo

Cindy