Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Okay, so not my best picture, I know it has been FOREVER since I last posted so I am just going to post some updates on what's been going down. I guess I'll break out the good news and saying that Wyatt is back and it looks like he's here to stay!

Irritatingly my other struggles have picked back up.I have to say that this has been one of the hardest trials I've faced because unbelief isn't something that you can go to the store and get medicine for, it isn't something you can fix with a cast or with some flowers, it really requires a lot. But last night {a particularly hard night} I prayed pretty hard that I would get help, even though I felt at the moment that I didn't really deserve it, and I feel like in response I got the answer " Be patient and let me show you how much I love you". If you have seen inception this really reminds me of when Cobb talked about taking a leap of faith, and believe me this is a HUGE leap. I figure that the adversary is working so hard against me because 1. I'm a woman, people say that if you bring down a woman you bring down an entire generation {or something to that affect} 2. My great grandma worked REALLY hard to get the church into her family and I come from that line, a line in which the church is kind of on thin ice. 3. Grandma Anthony also worked REALLY hard to keep the church strong in her family line and it would be a shame if it ended with my branch of the family tree. I was once told in a blessing that the Lord thinks I'm pretty important because he really needs the church to grow into my family line. I suppose that would explain the trial I have been battling for quite some time now. But even when I am battling this it's really hard for me to forget the feelings of anguish I felt the first time I went through the temple, and it's REALLY hard for me to forget the feelings of peace when I needed it most { see a couple of posts before this} or the stories I've heard of when Christ/God REALLY come through for women around me. Like that pregnant girl who's prayers were answered and pretty important as well the lady I gave flowers. If he didn't care about me or any other woman, would he have bothered? I guess my thing now is how scary he sounds in the scriptures towards women, especially the bible. He sounds like he can't stand them. Except for Mary, and a few other women. The bible itself sounds unkind towards women in general. But the Latter-day prophets are SO kind to women. I keep thinking it has something to do with the time and the world we live in, women were very much NOT liberated when the bible was written, while women now are more appreciated. I wonder how much of the mean stuff came from God and how much came from just natural men. The Latter day prophets say such amazing things about their wives, like elder Scott, he talked about how much he adored his wife and how much men ought to respect and adore their wives, not even stand in line in front of them! Look at the way these two were so happy. I love President Hinckley, He was so kind, and he loved his wife so much. when she died he was devastated. Because of the way "Righteous Priesthood Holders" treat their wives It makes me second guess my unbelief. Like my father in law,  LOVES his wife. He bought her a new car, new clothes, new watch, new critcut, new carpet, a new copper pot, and the list just keeps going on. So it kind of puts a damper on my unbelief. maybe back in the day when Hagar and Abraham around courting just wasn't as "in" I'm sure the world has to have some type of influence in how you live the gospel. One thing is certain though, in a time where probably lots of men abused their wives the church {the prophet} counseled women to be obedient to their husbands {probably nothing new to them} but he also commanded that men should love their wives like their own flesh, and nourish it and care for it, and LEAVE his mother and his father and CLEAVE unto his wife. Something that even to this day is EXTREEMELY rare in the middle eastern cultures. the church has also never said it okay for a man to hit his wife, ever. The world has kind of gone back and forth on that one.

Anyways, getting off my soap box here. Wyatt {yesterday} talked about how much he thought women were similar to Christ, because they give birth and put themselves in a position of death when they do it. I couldn't help but read an article I had read in a book of mine called "my home as a temple" and it talked about how most everything that women do in their home everyday is like what Christ did. Christ didn't go around taking power, hardly, he fed people, clothed the needy, visited people, cleaned their feet. All that a woman does in her home, that made me think differently about the way that I see my role. I also remember my old bishop {Ivan Beautler} very nice man. He talked about how he struggled learning his role as "Provider, presider and protecter" after he got ready but his wife "Lucy" made everything good and right for him. She would keep him updated on what was going on in their kids lives and how he could get involved in help, she gave him honor in their home so that his kids would love and respect him too. He said that he owed his kids love and everything to his lovely wife. I also remember when I went to go get my temple recommend from my little branch that my parents were attending the stake president was really serious and he got down to business and looked at wyatt and said "You are the presider of this family so man up, you take care of her. Never, NEVER raise your voice to her and treat her with the proper respect she earned as God's most sacred creation." and he looked at me and said "you are God's most perfect creation after Eve, He saved the best for last, you are his pride and joy and soon you will be the pride and joy to this fellow over here, act like what you were created to be, a beautiful daughter of God." So all these things make my unbelief hard to grow. Anyways. I'll have to blog about all the fun things that Wyatt and I have done these past weeks!



Monday, December 20, 2010

!Ay Virgensita De Guadalupe Illuminame!!

So, as you may, or not, be able to deduce, I am the Queen of Internal struggles, My king you ask? why Anikan Skywalker of course, we live quite happy in our kingdom torn apart by civil war. Okay, all jokes aside, I really am the queen of internal struggles, I wish I wasn't but what can I say we were all handed our rightful trials when we came here did we not? Mine just happens to be this one. Anyways, so as of late my internal struggle has based itself on what should seem to be not an internal struggle at all. Wyatt and I are doing better, we spent all day together today and it seemed to be promising for the future, however one thing still kind of doted in my mind. What am I? What type of a relationship do I want to be? What type of woman do I want to be? Do I want to be the sweet innocent Audrey Hepburn or a Sassy Meg?

I think both are great, but really do I want to be a type of Damsel in distress? Sweet, quite? That's not really me. But then there are people like Taza who seem to be a mix of them both. I want to be the type of girl that Wyatt can't help but to want to be with because they are just so dang sweet. But it's SOO HARD! Like today, we woke up at 8:30am and didn't leave the house until 6 pm. For me that is TORTURE, really, but I tried to be nice because I thought we all had to sacrifice right?

I want a romance like on Slumdog Millionaire. And it just so happens that she falls under the Audrey Hepburn category, so boom, they live happily ever after. Will I ever get to travel? Will I ever get to have fun again? Wyatt hates dancing!! Anyways, among that I am having more internal struggles. But anyways. I think that is enough venting for today. That felt good to get out though. And another thing, I still struggle with the last name Anthony. For one reason or another I am just annoyed that I have to sacrifice my very identity and I feel like Wyatt doesn't care!



PS. Today's post title was brought to you by my very own mother, when we were watching and joking about a show called "La Rosa de Guadalupe" I guess we use the term {In the post} whenever we are faced with a problem so I guess in this case I would say "Ay! Virgensita de Guadalupe, Iluminame que pueda sentirme mejor y ayuda me con mi matrimonio!!"

Sunday, December 19, 2010


My marriage has gone so long without being watered, or paid any attention to for that matter and this is the result of what has happened. A wilted rose exemplifies exactly what I'm feeling. A once beautiful rose, is now withering, and while it has all the potential in the world to be beautiful and amazing, it's closer to dying rather than coming back to life and being vibrant and beautiful. I am so annoyed with life right now, I know that supposedly after today everything would go back to being normal, but I just don't see it happening. we just don't make time to work on our marriage. Wyatt looked so happy in this last picture I posted of him. It's sad to think that he doesn't feel that way. How is he supposed to come back and just pick up where we left? I feel so lonely and so unloved it hurts. I shouldn't have to feel like priority #10 on his list, and at the moment I feel like that, and he admitted that I was probably the last thing on his priority list. He said that after he gets back from New Mexico things will go back to normal but like I mentioned before, its tough. So it would seem as though this is the beginning of the end to "Cindy and Wyatt".



PS. Today's quote was brought to you by Helen on Diary of a Mad Black woman, and I put a picture of Madea on the post because every time I have a hard time with life, I watch "Diary of Mad Black Woman" and it makes me laugh.

P.P.S. I feel the need to list things I am grateful so here goes...

*My heavenly father and him being with me throughout all this chaos. He has stood by me and has consoled me in my times of emotional pain. It's funny how when you read the scriptures you will come across scriptures that you really needed to read such as the following...
"Behold I, Jacob would speak unto you, cindy, Look unto God with firmness of mind,   and pray unto him with exceeding faith and he will console you in your afflictions, and   he will plead your cause." Jacob 3:1
That scripture brings me so much peace and comfort, I will try really hard so that I can be worthy of having this blessing.

*I'm grateful for my family, even though they aren't as close knit as most, they have been with me every step of the way.

*My mom, she really has been the most amazing support to me, trying to make me happy when I have been sad and willing to take me anywhere at anytime, I hope I can be a good enough daughter to bring her some type of happiness.

*My scholarship, Luckily no matter what happens my last semester of college is already paid for, and yes my bachelors isn't exactly in something practical, but I know that the Lord will help me find a job.

*A warm place to sleep- I am SO grateful that my family was close by, can you imagine how much worse this would have been had I been living in another state?! That would have been HORRIBLE

*The Covenants I have made with God. I know that if I work hard to keep my Covenants, the Lord will, no matter what, help me through the hard time. I once heard the term "Cling to your Covenants" and how true that is.

*My new ward- This is the first ward where I feel somewhat at home like I did with the Park 4th Ward. It's actually a spanish branch, but it makes me happy.

*My Health, my health is a HUGE one. At work on Friday this girl came in to rest on the couch because TWO days ago she had had surgery for an ovarian Cyst! OUCH. Despite everything going on God has preserved my health, my ability to walk, see and hear. Life can't be that bad when I have all those gifts, right?

*My ability to find jobs, the Lord has blessed me so much that I always have doors opening to me, Really I do.

I think that's it for right now, there is a lot to be grateful for but this post is WAY long.



Saturday, December 18, 2010

They say evil never sleeps... maybe that's why I'm so tired all the time

Wow, where to start. I can honestly say that this week has been absolutely insane, in so many ways. I am not going to lie when I say that these past two weeks have been pretty horrible. Wyatt and I are still learning how to be married, but we will come out stronger, I'm sure of it.

First and foremost. My sweet Grandma Anthony died, words cannot express how sweet she was to me. I remember the first day I met my grandma, I was wearing my red skirt and my new black shirt, Wyatt had come to pick me up for our date because we were just barely dating. My sweet grandma just thought I was one of the sweetest girls around. Mind you I have never had a grandma so I got excited about grandma from day one! I cried so much her last couple of hours, I didn't know what I would do without her. I almost panicked at the thought of not having a grandma. I feel like she just came into my life. She made being an "Anthony" really worth it. Yesterday at about 4 they {including her} decided that it would be best to let her go, she was doing so well I didn't think that she would leave just yet. As we sat in her room remembering her, and the fun times we had with her, someone mentioned how there would never be another "Grandma Anthony" quite like her, but then they all came to the consensus that I would be the next best thing, and that was beyond flattering. It broke my heart to say goodbye to my grandma. she said she loved me one last time, and that was the time we spoke. My Grandma, what will I do without her? She always made sure that she told me that I was pretty or that I was so smart. She was my champion, and now she's not here anymore. I am happy however that she is on the other side, probably happy with her family and her husband with the "beautiful body". I wish her the best, heaven will be a little bit more exciting. I love you Grandma Anthony, and always will.

Here she was at my wedding day, she had given me a diamond of hers so I could have a nice ring, but instead I made it into a necklace, so that I could always keep her close. I really had a meltdown in the car the other day because I thought I had lost it, but luckily Wyatt had it this entire time. I will miss my grandma dearly, she was always so kind to me. I love her and hope to see her on the flip side.

So speaking of wedding check out these pictures!

Doesn't Wyatt look so happy? We were so young and innocent and fun back then. So in love, less to fight about less to worry about. I know that couples everywhere ask themselves this, but can we ever get back there? I know it's only been a year and a half but I feel like our marriage has gone through A LOT.
I remember that Grandma before she died gave Wyatt and I some Marital advice. She said that because we were so young that our marriage would be really hard and that we would have to grow up quickly. Then she paused and said...no, you need to stay young together, like grandpa and I did.

"In order for your marriage to be a happy one you either need to grow up or stay young together forever"
-Derelys Anthony

Anyways in other news, I have done really fun things lately despite the sadness, like one of them has been taking care of my niece! in the picture above. She is SO sweet, and has already taught me so much about life, even though she hasn't been around for much of it!

#1. People will like you a lot more if you are sweet. This is probably a piece of advice I should have learned years ago. I used to be so much more sweet than I am now, and now that I have my sweet testimony back I think I might be able to turn over a new leaf!

#2. Learn to say "It's okay" in an attempt to try to keep her happy since her mommy is gone we took her to the grocery store, and she instantly saw the toy she "had to have" A grocery cart! of all things! We spent like half an hour in the store, when we had to leave she wanted to take the grocery cart with her. It broke my heart and literally made me want to cry but I said "Annie, I can't afford that, we have to leave it here" she quietly and disappointedly said "Oh, Okay". it broke my heart and made me want to get her that grocery cart even more! I will for christmas, even though its freaking 50$! UPDATE: We totally bought it for her as a Christmas present!

#3. Last but not least she softened my heart today. She has this nack of climbing up and down from the kitchen chairs and it was driving me INSANE! So finally today when she was climbing around I said "Annika! enough! that is enough! sit and stay on the chair!" Her eyes welled up in tears and she couldn't keep them in. It killed me because I suddenly realized "Here this two year old has been without her mom, her best friend in the whole world, since Sunday morning, and won't get to see her until Sunday night." I felt like garbage and comforted her.

So those were my lessons learned from Annika, I loved having her around she is so sweet. Thanks to Chrissy Marie Walker we were able to get some extremely adorable pictures of her! Oh hey while I'm here, I found some new bedding that I think is absolutely gorgeous, I want it!
lately I have felt really immature, in a lot of ways and probably won't go into it, but I am tired and I think I might actually go to sleep now. Goodnight.


ps. Today's post was brought to you by Cheryl Snelgrove in Religious Education. She can be a crack up. Also, today was my last day at the Dean's office, I will miss everyone there! I had such a positive experience and I feel like I was placed there by God so that when times would get hard I could lean on the church.