Sunday, November 28, 2010

Do you want my pillow?

So as of late I have had a really hard time with self-worth, and it's really only been getting worse, on a daily basis I wonder if I'm important or valued. I know that sounds crazy because of how amazing Wyatt is and everyone around me, but it tears me up inside. Today I have had a hard day thinking about it, and due to my lack of self worth my trust/relationship with Heavenly Father and the Savior is all but in shambles. I try so hard to think that God loves me, and there is so much evidence in my life that would say he does, my issue mainly being I feel like God just doesn't like women, I feel like he thinks their silly and not worth his while. it hurts so bad to think about this whether true or not it truly kills me. Today when I was pondering this I remembered something. I had this story on another blog on an old post but I thought I would copy and paste it here, because it has a lot to do with this post.

So I just had to write this post, I knew that I would forget my experience if I didn’t. So… about two months ago I was working (In pediatrics) and that day in particular was REALLY hard. I had been busy all day, on my feet, stressed and tired. My shift seemed like it would last an eternity! FINALLY six p.m. came around and it was time for me to head home. I was so tired and grumpy walking away from work. But when I walked to the security desk I noticed these BEAUTIFUL flowers! They were in a really cute tin can looking thing; they were the best flowers I had ever seen! I commented to the person sitting at the desk how beautiful they were, and how good they smelt! She told me I could have them, so I took them! I was so happy! Suddenly my horrible day was brightened, I thought to myself that surely the Lord wanted ME to have those flowers!
Walking out of the hospital to Wyatt’s car, I was sort of stuck behind someone. This woman in a wheel chair was taking FOREVER! I grew very impatient with her, she was in the middle of the door to go outside. (I know that sounds really mean of me, but its exactly what I was thinking) When I finally got close enough to pass her I realized that she smelt bad too! “EW” I thought (not that I smelt that much better, a day with sick children) She looked like she hadn’t taken a shower in weeks! I was so bothered by her! Finally I was able to pass her. As I did she lifted up her head and said “Oh.. What beautiful flowers” and as I was walking away in a hurry I said “Thanks!” I could see Wyatt sitting in the car and was excited to tell him about my flowers.
Suddenly I felt in my heart that I should give her the flowers. I felt the Holy Ghost tell me that the woman really needed those flowers more than me. I was enraged! I was angry! I thought that the Lord was giving ME those flowers because I had had a BAD day, why did she deserve them -I thought! I was getting closer to the door when I felt that feeling again.
Finally after having an internal struggle, I turned around and offered the woman the flowers. I didn’t know her name, I didn’t ask it, I just turned around and said “Do you want these flowers?” I was secretly hoping she would say no. To my dismay she said “Oh yes! I would really love them, they are beautiful!” so I handed them to her, my heart sinking. When I turned around to leave I noticed tears running down her face.
She told me about how she lived in the rest home across the street. She sobbed even more telling me that none of her children had come to see her in over a year, not even called her. She told me how depressed she had been, she didn’t want to live anymore. For weeks she had been praying for a sign from the Lord, that he cared. That he loved her. I watched as this elderly woman cried and sobbed, it broke my heart. She said “ These flowers are the answer to my prayers, I know it. You are an angel sent from God, you have such a good heart to give me these flowers. I know now that God loves me, because he sent me these beautiful flowers, through a complete stranger. He knew that no one I knew would give me flowers, so he sent them through you, an angel”
My heart broke into a thousand pieces. Here I was today, so selfish, careless. Here this woman was needing a loving word, and I didn’t even want to talk to her, nor even ask her how she was doing. I was no angel, just a BIG brat. As I walked to the car I was crying so hard I could barely see, I was so blurry. When I got to the car, he asked why I had given those flowers away, and I told him the story. Relieved and confused he said “ I sent you flowers to work today, roses, I felt like you needed them today, I was worried you gave the flowers I had given you away… but if those aren’t the flowers that I gave you, where are they?”
It turned out that the floral shop forgot to deliver the roses to me at work; we drove over to the floral shop. Wyatt went inside, and came out with a beautiful bouquet of roses. Purple, Pink, red and white roses. They were far more beautiful than the roses I had given to the elderly woman.
I couldn’t help but cry more. I didn’t want to give the woman the flowers I had earlier. I couldn’t believe the Lord was asking me to give MY flowers up. I couldn’t believe what a grand lesson I learned that day. The lord asked me to give up the flowers that I had, but he had a far BETTER bouquet of flowers waiting for me. He made it up to me. He never asked me to give them up, just trade them for better ones. Still when I think of this story it makes me cry a little.
The Lord’s love for his children amazes me. Here was this elderly woman, a woman I didn’t even care for, and apparently no one else. But yet, to show he cared, he sent her flowers. What a beautiful gift to give someone in need. He gave me BETTER flowers later, from a loving Wyatt.
I am SO grateful for my family, for my amazing Wyatt, who thought to give me flowers. I am the luckiest girl in the world, and will be for all time and eternity.

So there you have it, my extremely long post. However thinking about it brings me to tears, for this past year I have thought that it was I who was doing HER a favor. But as I have reflected on this time more and more I think that it was really me who needed this. First of all, as mentioned in my post I thought that she was a waste of life when I saw her {I am being super honest and I know I was a jerk} however what really gets me is that God took time out of his probably really busy schedule to make it possible for this woman to receive beautiful flowers. Of all the things to do for her, he gives her flowers, she must mean a lot to him. Makes me think that God can't possibly love his sons more than his daughters if he made it possible for her to get the flowers. Also another thing that I thought about is how I have long thought that I am so un important and how he thinks I must be dumb. But he trusted me to get the flowers to her, not Wyatt {not that he wouldn't have been great at it} not a man, but me, little old me.
Another thing that I have been thinking about is how on wednesday night I was having a hard time and was silently crying to myself in bed, hoping not to wake Wyatt up, I couldn't hide my tears from him, he could tell from my breathing patterns that something was wrong. Which is crazy to me because he was snoring just moments before I started crying. My tears, my breathing woke him up. He turned around and said "what's wrong dear" I tried so hard not to tell him, I just felt embarrassed telling him what was wrong for the millionth time. I told him my troubles and told him that I didn't like the pillow I was sleeping on, it was extremely uncomfortable. {I had forgotten my pillow at my mom's house}. Without skipping a beat he said "Do you want my pillow?" This only made me cry more, to think that he would be willing to sleep with my uncomfortable pillow so that I could have a nice sleep. He took my pillow and gave me his and hugged me and told me he loved me. He then rubbed my back until I fell asleep. Wyatt is the best gift I have ever had, he's better than a basket of puppies! Whenever I need him he is there. In a blessing a while back I got when i was having a hard time I was told that I would be given a husband that would make up for anything that I have or will go through. How true that blessing is, I love Wyatt he is so good to me.
And though it is hard for me to see it, I feel that God is good to me as well, he cared enough to give me Wyatt and let him shower me with love and kindness. This gives me a little more encouragement I hope that I can get over this. But for now I am so extremely lucky to have Wyatt.

Another thing I thought about was that when I thought about Wyatt saying "Do you want my pillow" I felt like it was something similar to Christ saying "Do you want my life?" That made me cry even more thinking that he cared about little old me, no one of importance, not even smart. He gave his life for me and I am grateful that whenever I have hard times I can remember that Christ gave his life for me.

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